Today was a huge blow to the happy-go-lucky optimism of yesterday. We were told that ALL of the remaining embryos "pooped out" over night. That's fucked up doctor lingo for "they're dead." We were sure that at least a couple would make it to freeze so we could use them as second chance if the unthinkable happens again this time, but it seems that our good fortune with all the embryos we thought we had has run out. I know that I wrote earlier on this very blog that we weren't expecting to be lucky enough to have any extra embryos to freeze, but when my doctor looked in our eyes yesterday and told us that he thought we would have a few we got our hopes up....really high. And SPLAT! Apparently they just "pooped out" of the existence just like our safety net.
We are now trying desperately not to loose hope for the two that I currently have inside me. We are praying like crazy that they fight hard, grow fast and burrow in to stay with us because the thought of them also "pooping out" is very much unbearable! Really, I don't what we would do with the pain.
As I move through this day I am constantly checking myself to think positive thoughts. "DON'T focus on the fear!! Try to picture what you want and not what you're afraid of!" It's being excruciatingly hard. I feel like I'm battling myself internally (probably exactly the wrong environment for our two embryos). The reason it's so hard to stay positive and focus on the what we DO want rather than what we DON'T, is that we only know the later. We only know disappointment and tears. We don't know what success or celebration feels like when it comes to pregnancy. It's just natural for people to take on mind sets that we are familiar with. SHIT!! This is not how I want to be feeling right now!!!!!! I want my positive energy back, but I feel like it got sucked out of me when we received the bad news.
When I spoke with my doctor I asked him how it was possible to go from 18 eggs retrieved to 14 viable, to 11 fertilized eggs, to a great day 3 report, and a good day 5 report to now only 2 embryos (that may or may not still be alive)? He explained that 4 out of 5 embryos will usually just "poop out." (UGH!! There's that obnoxious expression again.) That's when I asked him, "how does anyone EVER get pregnant naturally?" He responded by explaining that in any given month even the most healthy 18 year old girl only has a 22% of getting pregnant and that's becauseof the "4 out of 5 embryos just don't make it" phenomenon. REALLY?? (Why does this explanation seem so annoyingly convenient? I always thought that the challenge of getting pregnant was getting healthy eggs and sperm to link up at exactly the right time, not for already conceived embryos to be strong enough to live beyond 5 days. Whatever. I have NO IDEA how people get pregnant by accident...it just seems impossible!!) He went on to explain why he still thinks we should feel great about this cycle...watching them all grow for five days allowed the two strongest embryos to show themselves and those were the two he transferred back into my womb. He assured me that he's pleased with the two he replaced and encouraged me to look at this as a success that they were able to discern the strong from the weak. He ended our conversation by saying he still believes that we have a 50-55% chance of success so we should keep our heads up.
I plan on working hard to do just that. I'm gonna keep my head up no matter how much I feel like crying my eyes out. It ain't over 'til it's over and I really want to believe that this could finally be it for us! It was just a hell of a lot easier to be positive when we believed we could have a second chance if these sweet, little embryos inside me don't hold on. So much for some breathing room...all bets are on the table. And we thought this IVF round was gonna be less stressful than the first? Emotional roulette is a bitch!!!!