Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Day 32 - It's My Birthday!

So I turned 29 this morning at 8:43 AM. I know this because it says so on my birth certificate that I keep carefully in our filing cabinet. I can't wait to hold the birth certificate of my baby. Like a diploma of motherhood.

I'm in great spirits today because my sweet husband is taking a half day off from his busy executive world so he can spend the day with me! Ben taking a spontaneous day off is very rare so I'm extra thrilled to have him all to myself today! We're going hiking with our dogs and then out to dinner, so it should be a wonderful birthday!

I have to admit that I NEVER imagined I would be 29 years old and still have no children. I learned from a book I've been reading entitled, "Unsung Lullabies," written by three psychologists who have all experienced infertility themselves, that from an early age we all have a reproductive story that we've written. To quote a segment from the book....[Your reproductive story is an unconscious narrative that begins in childhood and runs through your adulthood. It is your story of how you think your life as a parent will unfold. You begin "writing" you reproductive story when you are a child, and it continues to be modified and "rewritten" as you become an adult. That your story isn't unfolding as you hoped it would explains, in part, why infertility is so emotionally painful.]

My mother had her first, my older sister, when she was 25. My older sister had her first when she was just 21, and my paternal grandmother had my dad, her oldest, when she was 21 as well. Practically all my aunts and uncles on both sides of the family had their first children by the time they were 25. I bring this up because when I was a child my family, who is very important to me, was my primary example of how to move through life. Setting ballpark examples of the timing of things...marriage, children, etc. So when I was a young girl I remember imagining that I would most likely be married and have babies by the time I was 23 or so. Obviously this isn't how things work and a lot of my generation is waiting longer than our parents did to get married and have babies, but for me, this is how I had pictured it for a long time.

So it's a little unnerving to turn another year older and still not know the sensation of pregnancy, the power of birth, or the joys (and challenge) of parenthood. Many people would tell me, and they have (trust me), to just relax and stop worrying because I'm "still so young." First of all this is the MOST ANNOYING thing anyone can tell someone who's having difficulty conceiving. It's patronizing and unnecessary. Period. Once a married couple makes up their mind that they want to have a baby and then they face years of challenge trying to get there, their age becomes irrelevant because the pain and frustration is no joke. Granted it's better to be addressing this problem at 29 vs. 39 for obvious biological clock reasons. Either way, being told to relax because of our age, especially by those who don't get it, is beyond infuriating to infertility patients...so please DON'T do it!

With another birthday at hand, I suppose it's time to "rewrite" my reproductive story yet again. So long imaginary baby that was born when I was 28 years old! Perhaps my 29th year will be the magical one!

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