Thursday, December 3, 2009

Day 62 - It All Comes Down To Tomorrow

I realize that blogging every day during my two week wait has brought forth almost no new news and my recent writing is most likely not very interesting. I will say, however, that having a place to focus my thoughts through this agonising period has helped with my temporary insanity.

When in doubt BLOG!

When I sit down to write my daily entry it gives me a focused mantra to hold on to for the next 24 hours as I've tried to end each blog in hopeful words.

So finally this is the last entry I will make until I have my test results tomorrow. I have never felt more in the dark before. Totally on the fence....utterly clueless about what my future holds.

There have been plenty of times in the last couple weeks that I have had hopeful thoughts like, "Of course it worked!" Then the very next moment the confidence I just had scares me right back into the old familiar way of thinking, "Don't get your hopes up Cilla. You know what it feels like to be devastated...so protect yourself and stop being so optimistic."

I am imprisoned by my own thoughts. I know that I could take a home pregnancy test to just get my answer now, but I am too afraid too. I have cried in my bathroom too many times. If the news isn't good I don't want to find out that way....again.

It's during this two week hell that my envy has peaked for those couples who get pregnant the "old fashioned" way. Going through In Vitro Fertilization turns our focus to medical details like egg quality, EXTREMELY early embryo development, blood HcG, uterine lining thickness, progesterone levels and on and on. We know so much that we know what can go wrong. We live in fear and anxiety and I don't believe that we, as humans, are programmed to be able to gracefully handle this amount of information when it comes to our own procreation. It feels so unfair. I wish I knew what it was like to wake up one morning and think, 'hmm, I haven't seen my period in a while." Then take a home pregnancy test and be surprised. "Wow! We're expecting!! No wonder my period is 5 days late!" How lovely that must be instead of feeling like a ticking time bomb through every grueling minute of this wait to find out if our $20,000 will result in happiness. God!! It's SO UNFAIR!!!

Obviously by now we've accepted that this IVF thing is our path even though we still feel the loss of normalcy sometimes. After 62 LONG days in this IVF cycle, and the many months before that of anticipation, it all comes down to a blood test tomorrow. We will finally learn what the next year holds for us...the much wanted pregnancy and parenthood? Or heavily feared second failed IVF heartbreak?

Your guess is as good as mine....someone flip a coin!!

13 comments:

  1. Oh I am praying for you girl! I totally envy those who get pregnant naturally too! They have no idea what it is like to shell out $15k for a "shot" at having a baby.

    (((HUGS)))

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  2. I am sooooooo right there with you! You are so right - I wonder if those naturally concieving people appreciate their body's ability to function normally. I bet they don't. And you're right about having all this information that just gives us more reasons to think things are going well or not. It is truly excruciating. Take comfort in knowing that at least tomorrow you will know - one way or the other. And stay positive!!!

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  3. I am praying hard for a positive beta!!!

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  4. Ugh to be normal! To think that a positive test equals a guaranteed baby! To never have to shell out so much money and go through so many procedures to even have a CHANCE at conceiving. If only.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so hopeful for you!! I will be checking frequently and praying for a super exciting update!

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  5. Crossing fingers and hoping that you will get great results tomorrow!!!

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  6. I'm anxious for your results...I can't imagine you'll even be able to sleep tonight! Do you have a time frame for tomorrow? (((hugs))), thinking of you!

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  7. Here supporting you tomorrow all the way! You've got your very own bloggie cheering section! :-) Seriously, all the crossables crossed, tons of prayers and HUGE HUGS!!

    I'm so glad you blogged everyday in the 2ww...it hasn't been boring at all and it's great that it helped you so much. It helps those of us soon to be going through it to hear, too! So, Thanks!

    You're paragraph about natural conception envy really hit home with me today. Those are the words that I've been looking for and haven't been able to find. Thanks for that!

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  8. Oh, I am hoping, hoping, hoping you are pregnant right now! Praying for you as you enter this last, anxious day. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and crazily checking for updates!

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  9. This time tomorrow you will know! I will be thinking about you and hoping for good news!

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  10. Hey there, Cilla...I know I posted last night. But, I just wanted to drop you a note to say that you've been on my mind all morning! Can't wait to hear the results today!

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  11. Cilla, I have been checking the blog like every 10 minutes. I am so hoping for the good news for you and Ben! Crossing all my fingers and toes!!
    Molly

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  12. i keep checking. no matter what we are all here for you! Fingers crossed!! lucky ladybugs released, horseshoes turned up, four leaf clovers surround you!!!

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  13. I think I have checked your blog 20 times this morning! Hoping you are celebrating a little one!

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