Tuesday, December 15, 2009

6 Weeks Along

Ever since my 3rd beta test on Friday I've been feeling a little more at ease.
I'm sure that it may seem silly to some that I needed 3 blood draws and a positive home pregnancy test to help me believe that I am indeed pregnant, but, as my blog buddies know, infertility really changes you. It takes away innocence and adds a lot of fear. There is no way to change that reality, but I'm doing my best to at least be conscious of it so that I can try to calm myself whenever I get swirled up in fear and worry about the health of this pregnancy. After all, I have no control....I never have, but being so 'technically' involved somehow makes one think that they do.

I am still so early in my pregnancy that if it had been achieved naturally I may not have even contacted a doctor yet. Hell, if I didn't track my period so closely I may not even be aware that I'm even pregnant. But in my reality I have gone to the doctor over 10 times in the last month. I got daily reports of our embryos when they were in culture, and I even have a photo on the Fridge of the two they transferred back inside my uterus. Talk about a different conception experience!

Intervention and IVF?... I have fully accepted that this was our path. In addition, part of me feels special that I got to experience it this way. How many moms out there have a photo of their baby when he or she was only 5 days past conception? How many know the exact hour their child was conceived? Not many!! As much grief and hardship as this road has presented us with I feel confident in knowing that there isn't a single grain of doubt about how much we want this baby. If we had gotten pregnant when we first started trying and not gone through all this soul-searching pain I'm not sure we wouldn't have some fear and doubt about whether we were ready. But now, WE ARE, and it feels great to know that we're headed into this with such conviction.

I feel totally confident about my desire for motherhood, now I'm trying to find as much confidence to believe that this pregnancy will continue to move along with health and success. Like I said, infertility breeds fear and doubt in the natural process. We get stuck in thinking that we'll always be doomed, so its been a challenge to allow myself to find the innocence I once had before I knew so much. To be able to believe that this can work and that we won't be crushed, AGAIN.

It's odd. It seems like no matter how you conceive there is always going to be a certain amount of fear and worry. For those who conceive their first baby easily I imagine their worries would be more focused on the labor and delivery and their readiness to be a parent or maybe their worry about loosing their "child-free" self, but for those of us who have had a lot of trouble conceiving, these are really the least of concern. We are terrified the moment we are told we're pregnant because its something we thought we might never get and the thought of it being taken away is truly our worst nightmare. We KNOW we're ready to become parents and definitely wont miss the time of being "child-free." Getting to full term and going through labor and delivery will be the biggest gift ever no matter how much pain we'll have to endure. I can't say from experience because I've never given birth, but I imagine that there is no physical pain that can trump the emotional hurt of being infertile.

I'm not trying to say that infertiles are more enlightened than fertiles...I'm just trying to point out how different it can make a person's experience when it comes to pregnancy. We ALL have our fears, but the fears seem to be different based on our conception history.

I'm finally getting to the point where I can find my faith over fear...the 3rd beta definitely helped. I know that our first ultrasound will be huge confidence boost as well if it goes smoothly. I am SO EXCITED and anxious to hear the heartbeat that it's becoming very hard to be patient!!!

I've been trying to stay busy with holiday preparations!! Just 8 more days...I can do it!!


  1. You've said it!! I totally understand how you need 3 betas to start to think that maybe this is real. I'm sure you won't totally relax until you're holding him/her in your arms - and then even more worries will start! And i totally agree that we've been given the opportunity to realize how precious life is and we will never take our children (regardless of how we get them) for granted.

  2. I needed 4 betas to calm down, lol. And I still wouldn't mind getting more every other day if it was free! Maybe my veins would mind though... Ah, the U/S countdown! It has been nearly as bad as the initial beta ticker for me! But the last week of it really really flew (it's tomorrow!). I hope yours does too. I'll hope everything is still going beautifully in there :)
    Oh, and your viewpoint about pregnancy fears is spot on from my perspective :)

  3. It is so incredibly hard to feel 100% excited when you are fully aware of how much is at stake. I feel so much jealousy at those who get a positive test one day and buy baby stuff right away. I will be praying for you though!!!

  4. I really love this post. It totally hits home for me. Also, I am so glad to hear you're finally able to relax (not like I can talk lol). Waiting for the u/s is hard, but maybe it won't be so bad since you'll have holiday stuff to prepare for? I just know everything is going to look great on the u/s screen, so just sit back and enjoy your pregnancy! I am so excited for you!! =)

  5. I am so glad things are going well and you're feeling more at peace! I can't wait to read about your u/s- praying everything will look perfect!

  6. I have decided now to stop waiting, and start to enjoy it, but it is hard to let go of the fear and in the back of my mind I´m in now a 12 days wait for 8 weeks ultrasound, but I´m struggling to let go of my fear. I don´t think it will ever go away but I´m doing my best. I can´t wait to hear your ultrasound results, whether there is just one or more. I´m sure that everything is going nicely as you had such great beta test´s.

  7. Great post, and so true. But just remember - YOU ARE PREGNANT!!!! Try to enjoy every minute, and I hope 8 days fly by for you