Ever since my 3rd beta test on Friday I've been feeling a little more at ease.
I'm sure that it may seem silly to some that I needed 3 blood draws and a positive home pregnancy test to help me believe that I am indeed pregnant, but, as my blog buddies know, infertility really changes you. It takes away innocence and adds a lot of fear. There is no way to change that reality, but I'm doing my best to at least be conscious of it so that I can try to calm myself whenever I get swirled up in fear and worry about the health of this pregnancy. After all, I have no control....I never have, but being so 'technically' involved somehow makes one think that they do.
I am still so early in my pregnancy that if it had been achieved naturally I may not have even contacted a doctor yet. Hell, if I didn't track my period so closely I may not even be aware that I'm even pregnant. But in my reality I have gone to the doctor over 10 times in the last month. I got daily reports of our embryos when they were in culture, and I even have a photo on the Fridge of the two they transferred back inside my uterus. Talk about a different conception experience!
Intervention and IVF?... I have fully accepted that this was our path. In addition, part of me feels special that I got to experience it this way. How many moms out there have a photo of their baby when he or she was only 5 days past conception? How many know the exact hour their child was conceived? Not many!! As much grief and hardship as this road has presented us with I feel confident in knowing that there isn't a single grain of doubt about how much we want this baby. If we had gotten pregnant when we first started trying and not gone through all this soul-searching pain I'm not sure we wouldn't have some fear and doubt about whether we were ready. But now, WE ARE, and it feels great to know that we're headed into this with such conviction.
I feel totally confident about my desire for motherhood, now I'm trying to find as much confidence to believe that this pregnancy will continue to move along with health and success. Like I said, infertility breeds fear and doubt in the natural process. We get stuck in thinking that we'll always be doomed, so its been a challenge to allow myself to find the innocence I once had before I knew so much. To be able to believe that this can work and that we won't be crushed, AGAIN.
It's odd. It seems like no matter how you conceive there is always going to be a certain amount of fear and worry. For those who conceive their first baby easily I imagine their worries would be more focused on the labor and delivery and their readiness to be a parent or maybe their worry about loosing their "child-free" self, but for those of us who have had a lot of trouble conceiving, these are really the least of concern. We are terrified the moment we are told we're pregnant because its something we thought we might never get and the thought of it being taken away is truly our worst nightmare. We KNOW we're ready to become parents and definitely wont miss the time of being "child-free." Getting to full term and going through labor and delivery will be the biggest gift ever no matter how much pain we'll have to endure. I can't say from experience because I've never given birth, but I imagine that there is no physical pain that can trump the emotional hurt of being infertile.
I'm not trying to say that infertiles are more enlightened than fertiles...I'm just trying to point out how different it can make a person's experience when it comes to pregnancy. We ALL have our fears, but the fears seem to be different based on our conception history.
I'm finally getting to the point where I can find my faith over fear...the 3rd beta definitely helped. I know that our first ultrasound will be huge confidence boost as well if it goes smoothly. I am SO EXCITED and anxious to hear the heartbeat that it's becoming very hard to be patient!!!
I've been trying to stay busy with holiday preparations!! Just 8 more days...I can do it!!
SIlence is bliss?
5 weeks ago