Monday, December 7, 2009

Thoughts Over the Weekend...

Ben and I had a joyful weekend celebrating our news. My parents took us out to a fancy restaurant and we couldn't stop smiling...still haven't. It's been wonderful, but also very surreal and thought provoking.

We just keep saying to each other, "Can you believe it's actually true that we got a positive beta and we're really pregnant?" We're still trying to grasp it.

We also talked about how we feel like we're playing make-believe or something. We have been bogged down by infertility for so long that now when we say "we're pregnant" we feel like we're just fantasizing about the future (like we have for so many months) and that it's not really real right now.

For so long we metaphorically gritted our teeth and rolled our eyes at the easily impregnated fertiles out there and sometimes even the infertiles that left us in the dust. Now that we've just crossed over from "infertile" to "pregnant" its almost a sensation of being a traitor. It's a very bazaar feeling and I'm pretty sure I'm not doing a terribly good job of explaining it. Maybe you would have to have once be an infertile who eventually became pregnant to really get me. I don't know...

Part of me feels like I am now a resented "pregnant person" amongst the infertile community of friends that once made me feel so understood and not alone. I know how I felt when friends of mine joined the pregnant club and left me behind in miserable infertile land. It sucked a lot.

Now I am beyond thrilled to be on the other side of the line, but I am definitely aware of how my news might affect others who are still waiting to get their positive results. My heart is still with them because I remember how awful it feels. How strange to FINALLY be one of those "pregnant people" I have spent so many months snarling at.

I went in for my second beta test this morning...I will be updating with those results when I get the call later this afternoon.


  1. I think as long as you dont act like you have no idea what it's like to be infertile, those of us still waiting will excitedly cheer you on all the way! I'm praying for a great beta :) Thanks for being so sensitive to those of us still waiting for the day we can make our big announcement- it means alot!!

    Congratulations again! I'm so glad you got to go out to a nice dinner and celebrate!!

  2. I know exactly what you mean ... it feels like it can't be real and that you're still infertile. How can the nightmare actually be over? But then you feel like you're out of the "infertile club" too -- which isn't really true because it's not like you're crazy fertile or something and you have met so many good people that you want to stay friends with through it. It's a weird place to be.

    Thanks for your comment by the way! I have been meaning to update and probably will today or tomorrow. I have just been a bundle of nerves as the date of the u/s rapidly approaches (3.5 days!!) ... I am terrified of bad news.

    I am psyched, however, to hear about your 2nd beta!! I will be checking frequently! I totally check your blog all the time, too! =)

  3. Looking forward to hearing how your 2nd beta turns out. Praying for HIGH numbers!

    The fact that you're even aware of the fact that it might be difficult for some on the IF side of the line still to know how to process the news is all that matters. There are so many (paricurlarly non-IF'ers) who don't even stop a moment to have that thought.

    I don't know why, but it's so much easier for me to celebrate when other IF'ers "crossover." Perhaps it's because you've walked in our shoes, too, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. How could I not celebrate when you no longer have to walk that awful part of the journey?

    Please know that I am here celebrating right along with you!

  4. I say, "once an infertile, always an infertile". You just get to move on to a new part of the journey. (Lucky girl). But I know exactly what you're saying. Hoping for a great 2nd beta!!!

  5. I think Amber said it best! Good luck & Congrats!

  6. Sweetie, I am so happy for you... and I understand that you want to think about everyone else, but make sure you take sometime to celebrate (and not just a day). You have been waiting for this for a long time. Can't wait to hear your numbers!

  7. Just want you to know I understand...and so do most people. So happy for you!

  8. Girl, forget about us!! Enjoy this time and let the guilt go. Anyone who isn't ecstacially happy for you now that you're on the "other side" is horrible person so forget them. This is sooo exciting for you!! And our we jealous? Heck yeah! But this is what we all want, so we can't be mad at ya! =)

  9. I totally get where you're coming from. I even wrote a bit long post about this same thing, but didn't publish it because I didn't feel like I've conveyed my feelings adequately :( I feel guilty in a way for being pregnant now, especially among my IF sisters, but at the same time... none of us would wish this on anyone else... it's such an emotional conflict in a twisted kind of way. You worded it well.