Ben and I had a joyful weekend celebrating our news. My parents took us out to a fancy restaurant and we couldn't stop smiling...still haven't. It's been wonderful, but also very surreal and thought provoking.
We just keep saying to each other, "Can you believe it's actually true that we got a positive beta and we're really pregnant?" We're still trying to grasp it.
We also talked about how we feel like we're playing make-believe or something. We have been bogged down by infertility for so long that now when we say "we're pregnant" we feel like we're just fantasizing about the future (like we have for so many months) and that it's not really real right now.
For so long we metaphorically gritted our teeth and rolled our eyes at the easily impregnated fertiles out there and sometimes even the infertiles that left us in the dust. Now that we've just crossed over from "infertile" to "pregnant" its almost a sensation of being a traitor. It's a very bazaar feeling and I'm pretty sure I'm not doing a terribly good job of explaining it. Maybe you would have to have once be an infertile who eventually became pregnant to really get me. I don't know...
Part of me feels like I am now a resented "pregnant person" amongst the infertile community of friends that once made me feel so understood and not alone. I know how I felt when friends of mine joined the pregnant club and left me behind in miserable infertile land. It sucked a lot.
Now I am beyond thrilled to be on the other side of the line, but I am definitely aware of how my news might affect others who are still waiting to get their positive results. My heart is still with them because I remember how awful it feels. How strange to FINALLY be one of those "pregnant people" I have spent so many months snarling at.
I went in for my second beta test this morning...I will be updating with those results when I get the call later this afternoon.
SIlence is bliss?
5 weeks ago