Friday, May 7, 2010

What are these unstoppable tears all about?

I took my dog, Bunny, to get spayed this morning.

She just turned 2 last month, so Ben and I finally made the decision that the right thing to do is have her spayed. It was really a topic we didn't want to address while we were in the depths of infertility and IVF. I guess we just assumed that if we couldn't ever have our own babies, some day we might breed her and keep one of her puppies. It wasn't a clear thought out plan but nonetheless it was on the back burner.

We've been through three heats with her, and let me tell you, it sucks for all of us when she has to wear doggie diapers for 2-3 weeks. With an approaching 4th heat we've decided that now that we have a baby due in just 3 months it's as good a time as any to get it taken care of. We definitely don’t need to worry about our newborn AND changing our dog’s diaper at the same time!

I drove her to the appointment this morning and felt this icky feeling in my stomach. I know that 99% of the time dogs make it through this procedure without a problem, but I couldn't help but thinking, "What if something horrible happens to her? What if they call me and tell me that she didn't tolerate the anesthesia?" I know...I was being totally paranoid and perhaps a little over dramatic. I just love her so much, so naturally I was worried.

They called and everything went perfectly. I could pick her up at 2 PM.

When I got there I paid the bill and they explained how to care for her over the next 14 days. Then they brought her out and put her in her pet taxi. I thanked them and got out the door with her as quickly (and carefully) as I could. We barely made it into my car before burst into sobbing tears. I cried and cried. She looked so small and miserable in her crate and I felt so overwhelmed with guilt and shame.

What the hell was going on? I was a puddle of tears as I drove down the road...yeah, really safe, I know! I just couldn't stop crying. As crazy as it sounds I felt (feel) so awful for taking her ability to have babies away from her. Damn! I just started crying again as I typed that! What is going on with me? I know dogs don't dream of the children (puppies) they'll have least I don't think they do. I'm pretty sure all my Bunny thinks about is her favorite ball and the park where I throw it for her. That and treats!

So why am I crying like an insane person? Pregnancy hormones? Yes, I'm sure they are adding a lot of unnecessary drama to this day. But I feel like there is something else...I guess I'm projecting my history of sadness about not being able to become pregnant on my dog. All those emotions have come roaring up from inside me and they make me feel guilty for taking my dog's fertility from her.

Call me crazy if you want. I know I sound like a loon.

Getting this out has already made me start to feel a little better. I know my dog will forgive fact she will probably thank me for never having to diaper her again. She probably has no clue what even happened to her today.

This isn't really about her at's about what Ben and I have lived bitch! You move into our lives and you never really go away. You leave some of your stuff behind and clearly those things pop up at random times and places. We are definitely scared from our past. I suppose I have to accept that and try to move forward knowing that my heart will always ache (from personal experience) for those who have trouble or cannot pregnant. PEOPLE that is. I will try not to cry every time a dog gets spayed.

He’s my little sleepy angel:


  1. you are sweet for caring so much. your baby girl will be much happier and healthier because you made this choice. hugs to you and Bunny.

  2. I get sad every time we have to operate on any of your pets too. Which is really funny since my husband is a vet and does the surgeries! I hope she gets better soon!

  3. Aw, girl, I just want to hug you! Of course it was upsetting, hormones or not. And even though you're right - I'm sure she doesn't hope and pray to be a mama dog someday, it still means that she's now what? Infertile. The enemy. To us girls everywhere, including little Bunny. But you did it FOR her cause you're a good mommy. And you'll do what you need to do for Morgan when she gets here - and I'm sure lots of that stuff will be gut wrenching too (first shots!), but you'll do what a good mama does.
    Lots of love xoxo

  4. Infertility does that to you. You start to project your emotions onto other people and animals. Your dog will be glad to not wear any more diapers. And she doesn't think anything a bout not having babies. There is not an emotional level with dogs having babies. With us, we had that emotional attachment to the dream of being a mother. Pregnancy hormones make us cry and infertility emotions make us more sensitive to situations like this. It just shows how much of a great mom you will be with your understanding and sensitive nature!