I took my dog, Bunny, to get spayed this morning.
She just turned 2 last month, so Ben and I finally made the decision that the right thing to do is have her spayed. It was really a topic we didn't want to address while we were in the depths of infertility and IVF. I guess we just assumed that if we couldn't ever have our own babies, some day we might breed her and keep one of her puppies. It wasn't a clear thought out plan but nonetheless it was on the back burner.
We've been through three heats with her, and let me tell you, it sucks for all of us when she has to wear doggie diapers for 2-3 weeks. With an approaching 4th heat we've decided that now that we have a baby due in just 3 months it's as good a time as any to get it taken care of. We definitely don’t need to worry about our newborn AND changing our dog’s diaper at the same time!
I drove her to the appointment this morning and felt this icky feeling in my stomach. I know that 99% of the time dogs make it through this procedure without a problem, but I couldn't help but thinking, "What if something horrible happens to her? What if they call me and tell me that she didn't tolerate the anesthesia?" I know...I was being totally paranoid and perhaps a little over dramatic. I just love her so much, so naturally I was worried.
They called and everything went perfectly. I could pick her up at 2 PM.
When I got there I paid the bill and they explained how to care for her over the next 14 days. Then they brought her out and put her in her pet taxi. I thanked them and got out the door with her as quickly (and carefully) as I could. We barely made it into my car before burst into sobbing tears. I cried and cried. She looked so small and miserable in her crate and I felt so overwhelmed with guilt and shame.
What the hell was going on? I was a puddle of tears as I drove down the road...yeah, really safe, I know! I just couldn't stop crying. As crazy as it sounds I felt (feel) so awful for taking her ability to have babies away from her. Damn! I just started crying again as I typed that! What is going on with me? I know dogs don't dream of the children (puppies) they'll have someday...at least I don't think they do. I'm pretty sure all my Bunny thinks about is her favorite ball and the park where I throw it for her. That and treats!
So why am I crying like an insane person? Pregnancy hormones? Yes, I'm sure they are adding a lot of unnecessary drama to this day. But I feel like there is something else...I guess I'm projecting my history of sadness about not being able to become pregnant on my dog. All those emotions have come roaring up from inside me and they make me feel guilty for taking my dog's fertility from her.
Call me crazy if you want. I know I sound like a loon.
Getting this out has already made me start to feel a little better. I know my dog will forgive me...in fact she will probably thank me for never having to diaper her again. She probably has no clue what even happened to her today.
This isn't really about her at all....it's about what Ben and I have lived through...INFERTILITY....you bitch! You move into our lives and you never really go away. You leave some of your stuff behind and clearly those things pop up at random times and places. We are definitely scared from our past. I suppose I have to accept that and try to move forward knowing that my heart will always ache (from personal experience) for those who have trouble or cannot pregnant. PEOPLE that is. I will try not to cry every time a dog gets spayed.
He’s my little sleepy angel: