Back after 8 years!!

I started this blog in 2009 to share the intimate details of how I became a mother through means that very few in the general population can understand.

In 2011 I was forced to take an extended absence from blogging while I’ve endured a series of life events so extreme, each experience so riddled with injustice and unspeakable abuse, it was all I could do to just survive.

Now in 2020 I’m returning to my blog to expose the intimate details of how my child was stolen away from her mother through ends that likely even fewer in the general population can comprehend.

My revised narrative will pick up exactly where the old left off more than 8 years ago.....

10 & 11 Months

I have no time to write, but I figure I can at least post some pics for those out there who might still be following my blog. :)

10 Months:

11 Months:

And these are the two reasons (other than my baby girl) why I have so little time to blog...

Me and my horse, Clover

Ben and his horse, Polly

When we moved to Arkansas we bought two horses. An industry I've always wanted to get back to since I met Morgan's daddy and we got married.

My little girl keeps me very happy and we are busy playing together most days, but when I'm able to find a few hours here and there...I'm usually at the barn. Life rocks!! :)

9 Months!

Morgan is starting to talk....well, sort of she says, "mom-mom-mom-mom-mom"...and she got her first tooth on April 20th. She weighs 18 lbs and is 27.5" long. She loves bananas and sweet potatoes and is just the happiest baby! She started really crawling on the 21st of April and now she's moving everywhere super fast! We think she'll be walking in no time....I started walking at 9 months so maybe she's taking after her mama. We'll see! Every day is more joyful than the next. She's just breezing through her milestones and we are the happiest parents around!!

8 Months!

Morgan's mobile! She claps her hand and eats cheerios all by herself. She's silly and loves to splash in her tub and blow raspberries with her tongue!! My baby is turning into a little girl!! Every time I look at her I see hearts flying around like in the cartoons! What a blessing to be able to experience all of this!! :)

7 Months!!

Morgan is 16 lbs 8.5 ounces now and sitting up very well on her own. She's almost crawling but still needs to figure out how to lift her chest up and pull her knees under her at the same time. She does both of those things independently now. I know its just a matter of time til she figures it out and when she does she'll be a movin! We had our first round of sickness last week. She had her first cold. It was so sad to see her feeling crappy, but now she's all better and I'm totally relieved. There were a number of long sleepless nights because she was so stuffy she couldn't sleep or eat or stop crying! Ugh it was awful!! What made it worse was the fact that I was sick too and her daddy was on a business trip. It was definitely our toughest week yet! Glad its over!

Other than our bought with illness things are great. She's a busy girl who loves her toys and lots of attention. She's also very vocal. She loves to make all her sounds at full volume...even when we're grocery shopping. She's definitely living up to her Leo spirit and is anything but a wall flower! She is determined  for everyone to notice her. haha...oh boy!! She's gonna be a handful when she's a toddler!!!

She's eating all the vegetables and fruits now. Also she likes Mum Mum crackers and little puffs. She's getting pretty good at feeding herself. I put lil' biscuits and frozen banana chunks and apple slices in her munchkin food pouch so she can chew on those and she LOVES it! She still doesn't have any teeth and doesn't show any signs of one coming, but that doesn't stop her from munching on anything I let her get her hands on. She definitely likes to eat! This month I plan to introduce some meat and yogurt.

She's sitting up in restaurant high chairs and shopping carts all by herself (with her floppy seat cover of course) and she loves being able to see whats going on! She laughs and smiles a lot and it feels like she's turning into a little girl. She's definitely still a baby, but her personality is developing so quickly!! We love our little miracle so much!!!

And she's got lots of little buddies!!!

(This was the moment she got her first cold!!!)

Here are some recent videos:

And here are her 7 month shots:

Six Months!!

She's 16 lbs and 1oz (50th percentile) and 25.5 inches long (also 50th percentile.) She's healthy and very happy. Our new life in Arkansas is great so far! Everyone is so friendly. Life is good!!

Bouncy Baby Girl! (5 months & 5 days old)

5 Months!

My goodness...where has all the time gone? Moagie is FIVE months! Holy Crap! I can't believe how fast time goes when you have a baby....(and how slow times goes when you're pregnant.) I wish I could reverse the two!!

A lot is about to change in our life...we're moving across the country from Ohio to Arkansas for Ben's job. We're excited about the new adventure but with all the preparation it sure doesn't leave much time for blogging. Here's a quick update:

Morgan is a very smiley baby. She is happy and that means the world to me! She's sitting up on her own now which is exciting. She doesn't have any teeth yet, but we're getting close to starting her on solid food. I think we'll get out the rice cereal once our move is complete...three weeks from now. She still sleeps through the night and seems to be content with just formula so putting it off seems fine. Plus our pediatrician mentioned that some research shows that waiting until 6 months can be beneficial. I am getting excited about seeing her faces when she tastes different foods for the first time, but I'm happy to put off the extra mess and feeding time until we're settled in our new house.

She LOVES her Luv U Zoo Jumperoo so much. She just goes bonkers in it and its hilarious! She also loves putting her feet in her mouth along with anything else she can get her hand on. She loves her toys....especially Jacques the Peacock and Sophie La Giraffe. Its so fun to watch her try to figure her world out. She is very engaging and alert. She loves people and dogs and all kinds of stimulation...a total party animal!

She really is my pride and joy!!! Here are some photos (and a video) from the last month...



4 Months!! Some reflecting back...

Ok I know...way too many pictures of the same pose, but I just couldn't decide which one was the cutest! I'm a typical mom no matter how many times I swore I wouldn't be!! I used to think it was going over board to post 10,000 pics of your baby on facebook, but now I am guilty as charged. It's like this thing takes over your mind and makes you believe that everyone wants to see a billion pictures of your child. Ahhh motherhood...you win! I'm drunk on my baby's cuteness!!! :)

The last four months have been a blurry whirlwind to me. So many new things to learn and experience. Literally since I left the hospital with my tiny new baby and a majorly sore who-ha the world has been a new place all together. There are no books or classes or tips from friends that can truly prepare a new mother for the adventure she is about to begin. 

 On a side note:

The who-ha has long healed...I went to my Obgyn yesterday for my annual and he confirmed that everything has totally healed normally and that I'm very healthy. It all goes back together again...who knew?? That is the last time I have to be in stirrups for a year?!?!? Wow that's liberating after 3 years of infertility testing and treatments and 9 months of pregnancy!!

Back to the main train of thought:

 That little baby we brought home from the hospital has grown (a lot) and I am finally able to look in the mirror and see a confident mother looking back. In the beginning I got nervous when my baby cried because I wasn't sure if I knew how to help her. Breastfeeding was a disaster and ultimately I had very little confidence in my abilities. What I was an expert at was knowing all about infertility. The tides have certainly changed!!

These last four months have been nothing short of a steep learning curve. Although, it's a kind of learning that I didn't master in college. With no professors or advisors, I could only rely on my own instincts to teach me how to be a mother. There are books and classes and helpful tips, but I've found that really being a good mother has to come from within. I still have a long way to go and I know that I'll never be perfect, but now I've learned how to listen to that voice inside that tells me what my baby needs to keep a smile on her face.

In the beginning I was overwhelmed. I didn't blog about this at the time because I didn't want to sound ungrateful or pathetic especially given what we went through to become parents. Also I'm the type of girl who doesn't like to admit her weaknesses.

I remember those first few nights being home with our brand new baby and I was actually afraid of her. When she was inside me, in my womb, she was part of me and I could rub my belly and feel the love. But when she came out it was very apparent that she was separate from me. She was her own being and that was a LOT for this new momma to wrap her head around. I know that might sound silly...I knew all along she was going to be her own person, but in the darkness of night through a very sleep deprived blur she seemed more like an alien that had just emerged from my abdomen then a baby human that belonged to us. I literally hadn't slept in a week after my extremely long labor and my hormones were crashing after the birth, both of these I know were the main culprit, but there were moments late at night when I watched her sleep and I feared her eyes might open up and glow green like the that of an extraterrestrial. Scary! I was actually afraid of my helpless new baby.

Crazy! I know!! Baby blues? Maybe? Yikes! That's why I did NOT blog about it at the time. I was too ashamed. It just seemed wrong after how much I had prayed for a baby of my own. As I recovered from the birth and got some sleep those terrifying thoughts in the night vanished and I started to see Morgan the way everyone describes you'll feel about your newborn. I began to fall head over heels in love with her.

What I learned from this experience is that not all mother's have that instant "love at first sight" phenomenon at the birth of their child. Perhaps I didn't experience that because of the length and trauma of my labor. Maybe I was so exhausted that my heart and mind couldn't function normally. What I do know now is that the love does eventually arrive and it takes you over by storm!

Next was trying to master breastfeeding. My sweet baby girl never had any trouble latching, but my POOR, POOR nipples, oh they had all kinds of trouble! They were cracked and bleeding and when my milk came in they flowed like a garden hose. Morgan's little throat and belly couldn't handle that and threw up a lot which made her choke. Holding a choking 4 day old is the most terrifying experience of my life. Granted she recovered in moment, to me it felt like ages. When she would take a breath again I couldn't help but cry with relief. It was terrifying and stressful and wasn't at all how I picture breastfeeding. Everyone I knew who had successfully breastfed their babies described it as sweet bonding while you tenderly nurture you child. NOT! I had a baby who would fight to gulp down milk pouring from my over engorged boobs then she's swallow the wrong way and vomit everything back up all over both of us. One time the milk she threw up was red with BLOOD! It totally freaked me out when I was alone at 3AM feeding her in her nursery. After a momentary panic attack  I realized that was MY blood from my shredded nipples. Oh great now the blood was up-setting her stomach and I was almost out of milk and she was crying and so was I. It was not at all how I had pictured. It was awful, and I felt like a failure.

So I started pumping to tackle the fast flow issues and we ran into more problems. She took a bottle of breast milk just fine...again she was easy it was me who the problems stemmed from. There was something in my diet that was causing her extreme discomfort in her belly. I could never figure out what it was? I tried leaving things out and changing things up, but it never seemed to work. Sometimes right after I fed her she would scream and stiffen her body in pain. I new she had gas pains so I gave her mylicon, but that didn't seem to help. It was agonizing for both of us. Not a day could go by without having feeding problems. And finally as she turned 6 weeks old I couldn't even keep up with her demand. I pumped and pumped and pumped and still could never make as much as she wanted, let alone a surplus to store in the freezer. I would only get about 2-3 oz with each pumping session. I knew something had to give when I was getting up in the night to go pump when the baby lay sleeping. She was sleeping though most nights by 6 weeks yet I was still getting up to pump every few hours so I could keep up my milk supply to keep her fed. The whole experience totally sucked! It was stressful and I felt anxious all the time about feeding her. I was afraid that I wouldn't have enough or it would upset her stomach and she would scream for hours. Or that she'd throw everything up and then I would be out of  milk to feed her. It really wore me down being worried all the time.   

Finally when she was 7 weeks I gave in and supplemented some formula. It was something I swore I wasn't going to do, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Immediately she took to the formula and was a smiling, contented, full baby after each feeding. She was never writhing with gas pains and there was always more if she wanted it. I was hugely relieved! I stopped breastfeeding almost immediately after I found how much easier this feeding method worked for us.

The lesson I learned here is NEVER say never!! I used to believe that breastfeeding was what was best for my baby and that formula was an excess cost and effort and a lot of dishes, but boy was I wrong! It is a total life saver. I thought I would never touch the stuff, but now I am very grateful for the belly filling/soothing effects it has on my baby. Feedings are now sweet and pleasant and the fighting/crying/struggles of breastfeeding have all gone out the window. Not to mention I don't have to worry about getting my nips out in public. They make breastfeeding covers, but some babies cry if you put them under them...hmmmm, yet another lesson learned. Formula = Good

Now that months have gone by from these two major lessons learned I can look back and laugh a little. That's why I'm sharing them here. I was horrified with myself for feeling fearful of and overwhelmed by my newborn and I was overcome with guilt for giving up on breastfeeding. Now when I look at her smiling face, I'm realizing that I'm really doing ok. I got through those first few months and all the things that seemed like a big deal are now just a memory. At the time I thought that I was doing a bad job, but now I learned that listening to myself and choosing "what works" verses "what I thought would work" is the best thing I can do to be a good mother.

In the beginning it was really tough to see myself as a mother, but now it feels so natural. We snuggle and laugh and I know just how to sooth her. She crys very infequently, but smiles often and I have a lot more confidence. I guess I'm growing right along side my beautiful baby!

Merry Christmas! I hope this holiday season brings everyone joy and laughter!

This video was from almost a month ago, but I had to share it.

3 Months!

I have officially become the worst blogger, but I want to assure my bloggy friends that I DO still read all your posts on my Blackberry, but I am not able to comment that way. Please know that I still follow your stories!!

Motherhood is completely amazing. All of the tears from our past struggle have become distant memories and all the pain was completely worth it. I see hearts flying through the air every time I look at my daughter. She smiles so much now and my heart melts with each grin. I would go through all the doctor appointments, the shots and all the heavy hearted times just for one of her smiles!! She is my heart and nothing can compare to this love I have for her.

She giggles and coos (loudly) and listening to her baby noises in our house is a dream come true. I constantly feel the need to pinch myself that this is real. All of my prayers have been answered. We are parents!!!! I feel like the happiest wife and MOTHER alive!!

Here is our last month in photos...

Learning to sit up...with the help of my bobby pillow

At the park with Daddy

Stolling at the park

At the park with Mommy in my FAVORITE sling

Learning how to ride our big dog, Libby.

My first trip to a pumpkin patch (I slept the whole time.)

We went with Auntie Rachael and Cousin Logan

Communicating with my "Home Planet" again...

Mommy blinged out my pacifier to make it prettier!

 

I had a stare-down with a bug...

Dressed up as a 'Pea in the Pod' for Halloween

Went 'Trick or Treating' at Auntie Brooke's house

I learned how to splash water all over the place during my baths...super fun!!

We went out to celebrate Mom's big 3-0 birthday with all her friends! Mmmm...Margaritas!!!

And of course, my 3 month photo!! Watch me grow...

The little dog, Bunny, joined in this month!

Try diapering or dressing this baby!!! She's a wild one!! :)

Love to all my blogging sisters out there.....You are in my thoughts!! XOXO