I went to a sweet baby shower on Saturday for a friend of mine who is also having a little girl. The weather was gorgeous and it just seems like the perfect day for such an event. When I walked in I was greeted by the three hosts who are all good friends to the mother-to-be. I gave everyone a hug and was really glad to be there with such a nice group of ladies. As I walked in the kitchen the host, whose house it was, offered me a "non-alcoholic" beverage since everyone else was drinking a champagne punch. I smiled and accepted. Last time I saw her, two months ago, she had just announced that she was 10 weeks pregnant. I loved hearing the news as I was only 4 weeks ahead of her so I instantly envisioned all the fun play groups we would have with all these pregnant girls expecting around the same time! As she handed me a glass of sparkling juice I happily asked her if she had found out if she was having a boy or a girl yet. Her face went straight and she said, "I just lost the baby last week." Her pain stung through my core and I felt SO stupid for asking her that question...especially in front of 3 or 4 other women. Of course I said I was so, so sorry. The mood totally changed int he room. I felt sick as she awkwardly changed the subject. She was very gracious and moved through the party as if nothing bad had happened recently and that someone (ME) hadn't brought that pain right to the surface with her question. She was amazing.
I enjoyed watching the big bellied momma open her gifts and smile at all her friends for being there celebrating this with her, but in the back of my mind I couldn’t fully focus. I kept thinking about what it must have been like for the host. How the hell could she still hold her head high at a baby shower at HER house after loosing her own baby only a short week before at 18 weeks along? Talk about a nightmare!!
I wanted to go hug her and tell her that her news made me hold back tears. I didn't know what to do. I left the party feeling like a complete ass for bringing it up. How was I supposed to know....She still looked pregnant because it had JUST happened!! I feel terrible for her and all the women who have lived through this. It is just heartbreaking!!
The Resurrection
3 years ago
Oh my. That must have been awful. I am sure you are not the first person to ask her. Maybe you should follow-up with a phone call or email to extend your apologies again.
ReplyDeleteOh dear. I agree with pp that maybe you should try getting in touch with her again. I think most times ladies going through this would rather the baby be acknowledged and mourned rather than ignored. I'm sure she'll appreciate the extra step you take.
ReplyDeleteJust to let you all know I have already planned on sending her a note and following up. I'm not planning on ignoring what happened. I just blogged about it because it felt horrible that I had to be the one to mention it first in front of everyone and that things like this have to happen in the first place. Just very sad. Thanks for the advice. :)
ReplyDeleteUgh, that's awful...but totally not your fault. In fact I'm surprised that someone (guest of honor maybe?) didn't send word around to give everyone a heads up about it. I can't imagine how she must have felt regardless of your question..it had to be a rough day.
ReplyDeleteSelfishly of course after hearing this story, my mind goes straight to how not-out-of-the-woods I really am. I know, I know, everything will be fine, but then I hear these stories of late miscarriages and get all nervous again...
Lastly, while I know I don't KNOW you, I feel like i really know you and I'm sure this lady can see what a gigantic heart you have and that you would have never wanted to put her in the position to talk about it...
Right after my miscarriage, a neighbor came to my house while trick-or-treating with her kids and told me congrats on my pregnancy. I felt so guilty for having to embarrass her in front of everyone else. So, I wasn't upset with her at all. I just felt terrible for ruining her night.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Tracey. Someone, your PG friend, should have let you know!
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up about it. I wouldn't apologize to her again, instead, why not bring her a "Pamper kit" with bubble bath, soap, and loofah with a note that you are thinking of her.
That sucks!! It is SO not your fault though, you are not a psychic. You are obviously a wonderful person to still feel worried about it and to follow up later. This woman is also a trooper to still throw a shower after having that happen to her. So sad . . . .
ReplyDeleteOh that is awful. What an amazing woman to still hold the shower. I don't think I could've done it. Hold it, I do know, I couldn't have. Don't be too hard on yourself. You couldn't have known.
ReplyDeleteHello, this is my first time reading and commenting on your blog. That story brought tears to my eyes. That poor woman! I just can't even imagine losing your baby that late (or at all) and then having to host a baby shower at your house. What an amazing friend she must be. Don't feel bad about bringing it up. Maybe you could ask for her contact info and write her a little something about how sorry you are and how impressed you are with the way she handled the situation.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on your pregnancy! I'm excited to read the blog of a fellow pregnant lady. I'm 30 weeks and having a great time. It's so amazing to have finally made it. I look forward to reading more about your experience.
Kait @ esperanzasays.wordpress.com
AWFUL. I'm so sorry for your friend. What a strong girl! I think I would have made an emergency location reschedule and not attended the shower! Actually, yeah, for sure I would have done that.
ReplyDeleteStuff like that REALLY gets to me, in some ways more so now that I'm pregnant. :( Oh my heart hurts for her.
Wow, I'm with Nicole on that one -- I definitely would have re-located the shower. Talk about twisting the knife deeper watching a super pregnant woman open baby gifts. How horrible. =(
ReplyDeleteAs for what you said, first I'm really surprised your friend (the one the party was for) hadn't given you a heads up. That would have been the sensitive thing to do. Second, I agree that a follow up of some kind could help just so she knows you're thinking of her through this incredibly difficult time. But don't beat yourself up, Cilla -- there's no way you could have known.
Just recently loosing a baby myself because it was ectopic I don't mind people asking because I don't want to treat it like it never happened. I was pregnant. And I'm lucky of that. People forget that some miracles just look different than others.
ReplyDelete