It only takes one time...Not!

10 & 11 Months

2011-08-02T15:22:00.000-04:00

I have no time to write, but I figure I can at least post some pics for those out there who might still be following my blog. :)

10 Months:

11 Months:

And these are the two reasons (other than my baby girl) why I have so little time to blog...

Me and my horse, Clover

Ben and his horse, Polly

Me & Clover

Horsing around the barn bareback...

When we moved to Arkansas we bought two horses. Something I've always wanted to get back into since I grew up riding but had to sell my horses when I went off to college.

My little girl keeps me very busy and when I have any free time from her I'm at the barn. Life rocks!! :)

I'll update again after Morgan's first birthday on August 13th!

9 Months!

2011-05-18T17:38:00.000-04:00

Morgan is starting to talk....well, sort of she says, "mom-mom-mom-mom-mom"...and she got her first tooth on April 20th. She weighs 18 lbs and is 27.5" long. She loves bananas and sweet potatoes and is just the happiest baby! She started really crawling on the 21st of April and now she's moving everywhere super fast! We think she'll be walking in no time....I started walking at 9 months so maybe she's taking after her mama. We'll see! Every day is more joyful than the next. She's just breezing through her milestones and we are the happiest parents around!!

8 Months!

2011-04-20T13:38:00.000-04:00

Morgan's mobile! She claps her hand and eats cheerios all by herself. She's silly and loves to splash in her tub and blow raspberries with her tongue!! My baby is turning into a little girl!! Every time I look at her I see hearts flying around like in the cartoons! What a blessing to be able to experience all of this!! :)

7 Months!!

2011-03-14T19:38:00.000-04:00

Morgan is 16 lbs 8.5 ounces now and sitting up very well on her own. She's almost crawling but still needs to figure out how to lift her chest up and pull her knees under her at the same time. She does both of those things independently now. I know its just a matter of time til she figures it out and when she does she'll be a movin! We had our first round of sickness last week. She had her first cold. It was so sad to see her feeling crappy, but now she's all better and I'm totally relieved. There were a number of long sleepless nights because she was so stuffy she couldn't sleep or eat or stop crying! Ugh it was awful!! What made it worse was the fact that I was sick too and her daddy was on a business trip. It was definitely our toughest week yet! Glad its over!

Other than our bought with illness things are great. She's a busy girl who loves her toys and lots of attention. She's also very vocal. She loves to make all her sounds at full volume...even when we're grocery shopping. She's definitely living up to her Leo spirit and is anything but a wall flower! She is determined for everyone to notice her. haha...oh boy!! She's gonna be a handful when she's a toddler!!!

She's eating all the vegetables and fruits now. Also she likes Mum Mum crackers and little puffs. She's getting pretty good at feeding herself. I put lil' biscuits and frozen banana chunks and apple slices in her munchkin food pouch so she can chew on those and she LOVES it! She still doesn't have any teeth and doesn't show any signs of one coming, but that doesn't stop her from munching on anything I let her get her hands on. She definitely likes to eat! This month I plan to introduce some meat and yogurt.

She's sitting up in restaurant high chairs and shopping carts all by herself (with her floppy seat cover of course) and she loves being able to see whats going on! She laughs and smiles a lot and it feels like she's turning into a little girl. She's definitely still a baby, but her personality is developing so quickly!! We love our little miracle so much!!!

And she's got lots of little buddies!!!

(This was the moment she got her first cold!!!)

Here are some recent videos:

And here are her 7 month shots:

Six Months!!

2011-02-15T16:46:00.000-05:00

She's 16 lbs and 1oz (50th percentile) and 25.5 inches long (also 50th percentile.) She's healthy and very happy. Our new life in Arkansas is great so far! Everyone is so friendly. Life is good!!

Bouncy Baby Girl! (5 months & 5 days old)

2011-01-18T13:37:00.000-05:00

5 Months!

2011-01-12T17:41:00.000-05:00

My goodness...where has all the time gone? Moagie is FIVE months! Holy Crap! I can't believe how fast time goes when you have a baby....(and how slow times goes when you're pregnant.) I wish I could reverse the two!!

A lot is about to change in our life...we're moving across the country from Ohio to Arkansas for Ben's job. We're excited about the new adventure but with all the preparation it sure doesn't leave much time for blogging. Here's a quick update:

Morgan is a very smiley baby. She is happy and that means the world to me! She's sitting up on her own now which is exciting. She doesn't have any teeth yet, but we're getting close to starting her on solid food. I think we'll get out the rice cereal once our move is complete...three weeks from now. She still sleeps through the night and seems to be content with just formula so putting it off seems fine. Plus our pediatrician mentioned that some research shows that waiting until 6 months can be beneficial. I am getting excited about seeing her faces when she tastes different foods for the first time, but I'm happy to put off the extra mess and feeding time until we're settled in our new house.

She LOVES her Luv U Zoo Jumperoo so much. She just goes bonkers in it and its hilarious! She also loves putting her feet in her mouth along with anything else she can get her hand on. She loves her toys....especially Jacques the Peacock and Sophie La Giraffe. Its so fun to watch her try to figure her world out. She is very engaging and alert. She loves people and dogs and all kinds of stimulation...a total party animal!

She really is my pride and joy!!! Here are some photos (and a video) from the last month...

4 Months!! Some reflecting back...

2010-12-14T12:46:00.002-05:00

Ok I know...way too many pictures of the same pose, but I just couldn't decide which one was the cutest! I'm a typical mom no matter how many times I swore I wouldn't be!! I used to think it was going over board to post 10,000 pics of your baby on facebook, but now I am guilty as charged. It's like this thing takes over your mind and makes you believe that everyone wants to see a billion pictures of your child. Ahhh motherhood...you win! I'm drunk on my baby's cuteness!!! :)

The last four months have been a blurry whirlwind to me. So many new things to learn and experience. Literally since I left the hospital with my tiny new baby and a majorly sore who-ha the world has been a new place all together. There are no books or classes or tips from friends that can truly prepare a new mother for the adventure she is about to begin.

On a side note:

The who-ha has long healed...I went to my Obgyn yesterday for my annual and he confirmed that everything has totally healed normally and that I'm very healthy. It all goes back together again...who knew?? That is the last time I have to be in stirrups for a year?!?!? Wow that's liberating after 3 years of infertility testing and treatments and 9 months of pregnancy!!

Back to the main train of thought:

That little baby we brought home from the hospital has grown (a lot) and I am finally able to look in the mirror and see a confident mother looking back. In the beginning I got nervous when my baby cried because I wasn't sure if I knew how to help her. Breastfeeding was a disaster and ultimately I had very little confidence in my abilities. What I was an expert at was knowing all about infertility. The tides have certainly changed!!

These last four months have been nothing short of a steep learning curve. Although, it's a kind of learning that I didn't master in college. With no professors or advisors, I could only rely on my own instincts to teach me how to be a mother. There are books and classes and helpful tips, but I've found that really being a good mother has to come from within. I still have a long way to go and I know that I'll never be perfect, but now I've learned how to listen to that voice inside that tells me what my baby needs to keep a smile on her face.

In the beginning I was overwhelmed. I didn't blog about this at the time because I didn't want to sound ungrateful or pathetic especially given what we went through to become parents. Also I'm the type of girl who doesn't like to admit her weaknesses.

I remember those first few nights being home with our brand new baby and I was actually afraid of her. When she was inside me, in my womb, she was part of me and I could rub my belly and feel the love. But when she came out it was very apparent that she was separate from me. She was her own being and that was a LOT for this new momma to wrap her head around. I know that might sound silly...I knew all along she was going to be her own person, but in the darkness of night through a very sleep deprived blur she seemed more like an alien that had just emerged from my abdomen then a baby human that belonged to us. I literally hadn't slept in a week after my extremely long labor and my hormones were crashing after the birth, both of these I know were the main culprit, but there were moments late at night when I watched her sleep and I feared her eyes might open up and glow green like the that of an extraterrestrial. Scary! I was actually afraid of my helpless new baby.

Crazy! I know!! Baby blues? Maybe? Yikes! That's why I did NOT blog about it at the time. I was too ashamed. It just seemed wrong after how much I had prayed for a baby of my own. As I recovered from the birth and got some sleep those terrifying thoughts in the night vanished and I started to see Morgan the way everyone describes you'll feel about your newborn. I began to fall head over heels in love with her.

What I learned from this experience is that not all mother's have that instant "love at first sight" phenomenon at the birth of their child. Perhaps I didn't experience that because of the length and trauma of my labor. Maybe I was so exhausted that my heart and mind couldn't function normally. What I do know now is that the love does eventually arrive and it takes you over by storm!

Next was trying to master breastfeeding. My sweet baby girl never had any trouble latching, but my POOR, POOR nipples, oh they had all kinds of trouble! They were cracked and bleeding and when my milk came in they flowed like a garden hose. Morgan's little throat and belly couldn't handle that and threw up a lot which made her choke. Holding a choking 4 day old is the most terrifying experience of my life. Granted she recovered in moment, to me it felt like ages. When she would take a breath again I couldn't help but cry with relief. It was terrifying and stressful and wasn't at all how I picture breastfeeding. Everyone I knew who had successfully breastfed their babies described it as sweet bonding while you tenderly nurture you child. NOT! I had a baby who would fight to gulp down milk pouring from my over engorged boobs then she's swallow the wrong way and vomit everything back up all over both of us. One time the milk she threw up was red with BLOOD! It totally freaked me out when I was alone at 3AM feeding her in her nursery. After a momentary panic attack I realized that was MY blood from my shredded nipples. Oh great now the blood was up-setting her stomach and I was almost out of milk and she was crying and so was I. It was not at all how I had pictured. It was awful, and I felt like a failure.

So I started pumping to tackle the fast flow issues and we ran into more problems. She took a bottle of breast milk just fine...again she was easy it was me who the problems stemmed from. There was something in my diet that was causing her extreme discomfort in her belly. I could never figure out what it was? I tried leaving things out and changing things up, but it never seemed to work. Sometimes right after I fed her she would scream and stiffen her body in pain. I new she had gas pains so I gave her mylicon, but that didn't seem to help. It was agonizing for both of us. Not a day could go by without having feeding problems. And finally as she turned 6 weeks old I couldn't even keep up with her demand. I pumped and pumped and pumped and still could never make as much as she wanted, let alone a surplus to store in the freezer. I would only get about 2-3 oz with each pumping session. I knew something had to give when I was getting up in the night to go pump when the baby lay sleeping. She was sleeping though most nights by 6 weeks yet I was still getting up to pump every few hours so I could keep up my milk supply to keep her fed. The whole experience totally sucked! It was stressful and I felt anxious all the time about feeding her. I was afraid that I wouldn't have enough or it would upset her stomach and she would scream for hours. Or that she'd throw everything up and then I would be out of milk to feed her. It really wore me down being worried all the time.

Finally when she was 7 weeks I gave in and supplemented some formula. It was something I swore I wasn't going to do, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Immediately she took to the formula and was a smiling, contented, full baby after each feeding. She was never writhing with gas pains and there was always more if she wanted it. I was hugely relieved! I stopped breastfeeding almost immediately after I found how much easier this feeding method worked for us.

The lesson I learned here is NEVER say never!! I used to believe that breastfeeding was what was best for my baby and that formula was an excess cost and effort and a lot of dishes, but boy was I wrong! It is a total life saver. I thought I would never touch the stuff, but now I am very grateful for the belly filling/soothing effects it has on my baby. Feedings are now sweet and pleasant and the fighting/crying/struggles of breastfeeding have all gone out the window. Not to mention I don't have to worry about getting my nips out in public. They make breastfeeding covers, but some babies cry if you put them under them...hmmmm, yet another lesson learned. Formula = Good

Now that months have gone by from these two major lessons learned I can look back and laugh a little. That's why I'm sharing them here. I was horrified with myself for feeling fearful of and overwhelmed by my newborn and I was overcome with guilt for giving up on breastfeeding. Now when I look at her smiling face, I'm realizing that I'm really doing ok. I got through those first few months and all the things that seemed like a big deal are now just a memory. At the time I thought that I was doing a bad job, but now I learned that listening to myself and choosing "what works" verses "what I thought would work" is the best thing I can do to be a good mother.

In the beginning it was really tough to see myself as a mother, but now it feels so natural. We snuggle and laugh and I know just how to sooth her. She crys very infequently, but smiles often and I have a lot more confidence. I guess I'm growing right along side my beautiful baby!

Merry Christmas! I hope this holiday season brings everyone joy and laughter!

This video was from almost a month ago, but I had to share it.

3 Months!

2010-11-13T14:07:00.001-05:00

I have officially become the worst blogger, but I want to assure my bloggy friends that I DO still read all your posts on my Blackberry, but I am not able to comment that way. Please know that I still follow your stories!!

Motherhood is completely amazing. All of the tears from our past struggle have become distant memories and all the pain was completely worth it. I see hearts flying through the air every time I look at my daughter. She smiles so much now and my heart melts with each grin. I would go through all the doctor appointments, the shots and all the heavy hearted times just for one of her smiles!! She is my heart and nothing can compare to this love I have for her.

She giggles and coos (loudly) and listening to her baby noises in our house is a dream come true. I constantly feel the need to pinch myself that this is real. All of my prayers have been answered. We are parents!!!! I feel like the happiest wife and MOTHER alive!!

Here is our last month in photos...

Learning to sit up...with the help of my bobby pillow

At the park with Daddy

Stolling at the park

At the park with Mommy in my FAVORITE sling

Learning how to ride our big dog, Libby.

My first trip to a pumpkin patch (I slept the whole time.)

We went with Auntie Rachael and Cousin Logan

Communicating with my "Home Planet" again...

Mommy blinged out my pacifier to make it prettier!

I had a stare-down with a bug...

Dressed up as a 'Pea in the Pod' for Halloween

Went 'Trick or Treating' at Auntie Brooke's house

I learned how to splash water all over the place during my baths...super fun!!

We went out to celebrate Mom's big 3-0 birthday with all her friends! Mmmm...Margaritas!!!

And of course, my 3 month photo!! Watch me grow...

The little dog, Bunny, joined in this month!

Try diapering or dressing this baby!!! She's a wild one!! :)

Love to all my blogging sisters out there.....You are in my thoughts!! XOXO

2 Months!!

2010-10-13T15:16:00.001-04:00

All is very well!! Here is our month in a few photos and videos...

Her 2 month photo

Hello blue eyes!!

She always does this with her hands in her sleep....we joke and say that she's communicating with her home planet! ha

Chilling on the deck with dad

Bath time!

First time in her Bumbo.

She likes it!! :)

SO IN LOVE!!!

2010-09-27T16:27:00.001-04:00

6 WEEKS OLD

No time to write much especially since I'm typing with one hand but i had to post just to tell everyone who's still reading this how much i LOVE being a mother. these photos show the rewards i get and they mean more to me than any gifts I've ever received.

Moagie is a happy baby who sleeps 5-8 hours a night and cries infrequently. I know how lucky we are!! I thank heavens every single day. We've never been happier or more fulfilled!!!

She Smiles!!!

2010-09-17T09:47:00.000-04:00

The first time my little girl smiled (on purpose) for her mommy and I had the camera rolling!!! I am so head over heals in love its just plain silly!!!!! :)

One Month Old!

2010-09-13T10:45:00.000-04:00

Morgan has been here for a whole month already!! So hard to believe! Here is some of our month in pictures...

Last Belly pic taken on my due date (8-11-10) while I was in LABOR!

Morgan's first minutes on the outside!

Her First Outfit (1 day old)

First time at the park (11 days old)

First trip to the grocery store (1 week, 6 days old)

One of our first outings to a restaurant (3 weeks old)

I'm wearing my "push present" (the necklace) that Ben gave me after her birth...three stones: one big, one medium and one small (daddy, mommy and baby) that represent our little family. I LOVE it and I'm never taking it off!!

Her NFL Debut...

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Her first Bengals Game!! (4 weeks old)

And finally, her ONE MONTH PHOTO:

She even gave me a smile!!

Happy One Month Birthday, Morgan!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!

Part Two: Our Labor & Birth Story

2010-09-07T13:15:00.000-04:00

Sorry to leave everyone hanging. I have been very eager to get back to typing this story up, but with the holiday weekend now is the soonest I found the opportunity. LABOR Day....ugh! Now that word will ALWAYS evoke a shiver down my spine!! Back to the story...

So, where did I leave off? Oh yeah, it's mid morning on Wednesday, August 12th, I've been laboring for 32.5 hours and my doula walks out the door since she is sure that I still have several hours before I'll really "need" her. I am in a puddle of tears in my living room sitting on my birthing ball as I wasn't aware of that until that moment. If I'd know what she was thinking all along maybe it wouldn't have felt so awful when she left me. I thought I was much further along and getting close to leaving for the hospital, but our doula wanted to see my body to make a few more changes before we'd leave. Ultimately she was waiting for my contractions to get closer together (3 minutes), for bloody show or for my water to break. She just kept encouraging me which I translated as, "you're almost there."

After she left all the feelings I experienced while battling infertility came flooding over me. Our doula had not been available to me the evening before because she was with another woman who was pushing her baby out, and now she had just left me again because yet another woman was on the verge of delivering a baby. It was how I felt when everyone around me was getting pregnant and I was stuck in the cycle of month after month of getting bad news and feeling like we weren't getting anywhere. Now when I was in labor a similar pattern seemed to be happening. Contraction after painful contraction, like month after painful month, it seemed as though I was getting no where. And now my doula had just left me behind the way I felt left behind by all the women who moved into motherhood while Ben and I were stuck fighting the odds that infertility had dealt us.

It was a low, LOW point. I sobbed into Ben's chest both during and between my contractions. I cried because I was really pissed at the person I'd hired to help me had just left to help someone else. I cried for the pain, and for my exhaustion with the whole process. But most of all, I cried because I was reliving the leftover emotions that resided deep in my heart after enduring infertility for 3 years.

Eventually I was able to pull myself together. I wiped my tears away and began to focus on my contractions. They were so intense that I could get really panicky if I didn't work to stay on top of each one. My mom, dad and husband were an incredible support group for me. I definitely wasn't alone even if my doula had gone. As I took in the support of my family I began to really regret hiring this stranger to help me through it. I dreaded her return.

She did get back to our house in a couple hours just like she said she would be, but by now I had convinced myself that I didn't need her and her presence was making me angry. I couldn't even make eye contact with her. The room was definitely tense. I knew everyone could sense it. The calming vibes that were there when she first arrived early that morning were out the window and now our rooms were filled with awkwardness. Lovely laboring environment, don't you think?

Not wanting to be the focal point of 4 sets of eyes in the weirdness that now surrounded us, Ben helped me get my ball upstairs and into our big shower like our doula had suggested we do. The hot water ran across my belly and down my back and my tears began to run down my cheeks again. I pleaded with Ben to agree with me that we had made a huge mistake hiring this person. The I was done with her and with this labor bull shit and that it was time to go to the hospital. It's infuriating to be in the middle of a very serious (one-way) conversation with your husband to be interrupted by yourself. I was in the middle of making a point and would be cut off by my own animal like sounds that would come from a place inside me that I didn't know existed. I wanted to yell, "shut up!! I was talking!" to myself. I wanted the contractions to stop! I wanted Ben to understand what I was going through. I wanted someone to understand me! I'll never forget sitting there naked, having my head against the tiles, exhausted, looking down at the drain as I fought what seemed like the millionth contraction. It felt like it was never going to end.

After about 20 minutes in the water I finally started to be able to relax some. The pain intensity eased enough and I was able to start to think straight again. Ben and I were able to have half normal conversation. We went back over our birth plan. He reminded me that I was determined and that I would be proud of myself for sticking it out. He encouraged me to forgive the doula and allow her to help us again. He pumped me back up and gave me the second wind I so dearly needed.

We came back down stair to find my parents having lunch with our doula. I told everyone that I felt stronger again and that I was able to keep going. Our doula acknowledged that she knew I was upset, but I was able to express to her that what I was really upset with wasn't about her. I was upset that my labor was taking so long and that's not her fault. She apologized for not being more clear when she left that she thought I was so well supported by my family that she wouldn't be missed. We made peace and the day picked up for a while.

We decided to put on a movie to help give me something else to focus on in between the 5 minute intervals I was riding. I chose to watch the Stepford Wives....GO FIGURE!?!? Perhaps I was wishing I was a robot incapable of feeling pain like the characters in the the movie instead of enduring the raw humanity I was in the midst of. Who knows! Ben instantly passed out on the couch as soon as the movie started. He was exhausted...poor guy. As the movie played I wasn't really able to pay attention. My mom and the doula would crack up together as they watched and I can't remember where my dad went, but no one was paying attention to me and for a few minutes it was nice to have that break even though I was still no getting any breaks from the pains.

Eventually the pain and fear of loosing control caught back up with me again. I looked at the clock and it read 3PM. I had been laboring like this for close to 40 hours and the thought of going into another night was almost too much for me to bare. I wanted to know EXACTLY how much I had progressed since doula's don't do cervical checks. I needed to know what was happening... 4cm? 6cm? How much longer could I do this?? I annouced to everyone that I was ready to go to triage to get checked. No more laboring blind...I needed to know! I couldn't go into another night of darkness without knowing something and I wanted to go now to avoid the rush hour traffic. Everyone was supportive and agreed it was time to go to the hospital.

My parents stayed behind and we agreed to call them as soon as we knew anything. The drive to the hospital really wasn't as awful as I anticipated. I was really affraid of having contractions in the car but somehow I got through them. I guess having a change of scenery after laboring in my livingroom for what seemed like forever was a nice change of pace. When we walked into the lobby of the hospital I was hit by another wrenching contraction. We had to stop right there and I put my hands on Ben's shoulder for support while our doula compressed my hips. Those deep gutteral moans rose up out of me again and it just didn't matter how many men, women and children were watching. "I'm in labor folks...sorry! Stare all you want!"

After a few contractions the three of us made it all the way up to triage. I was taken into to a room and was very happy to see the doctor's gloved hand headed towards me. Never thought I would ever think this, but after that long I was ready for the knowledge her hand could give me! She gently prodded around with her fingers while we waited for the verdict.

The following news caused all of our jaws to nearly hit floor:

I was still only 1cm, 75% effaced. **GASP!**

That's right, after 40 hours of intense laboring my cervix hadn't budged. I was beyond devastated.We were instructed to go walk the halls while they called my OB to see what he thinks the next course of action should be.

Our doula gave us some privacy since we clearly needed it after news like that. I was too shocked to even cry. I couldn't believe that I had been through all that and NOTHING had changed. We were now fearful of being taken in for an emergency C-section (our biggest fear btw). Our minds were spinning and this all seemed like a sick joke. How could this really be? I was STILL dealing with my horrific contractions every 5 minutes but now my mental imagery had completely changed. Before I was visualizing her head coming down and my cervix streching open nicely, now all I could see (and FEEL) was her head being slammed down into my closed cervix. Just being pressed against a closed door over and over again. Ugh! I was DONE!! I didn't want to feel anymore....give my an epidural!!! I can't feel this anymore!! Every contraction was mocking me...a horribly painful reminder that my body wasn't working properly.

Ben said "I think how you feel right now....I felt this way when we first learned that I make really crappy sperm." It was a very sweet moment despite everything. We connected and truly felt for one another. Then we laughed at how bad we were at procreating. It's a bad joke, but in the moment it was comforting to ackowledge and laugh at how both of our bodies had completely let us down when it came to creating and birthing a baby.

45 minutes later we were back in our room in triage with word from my doctor. He thought that maybe there was scar tissue on my cervix that would cause it to be essentailly be glued shut. There was a procedure they could try ... basically scraping the inside of my cervix ... to see if that could get it to open, but that woud be way too painful to do unmedicated so I need to be admitted and given the epidural...fine!

This was when I totally turned myself over the medical process. My body had proven that it needed help. I had planned on avoiding all interventions unless they became medically necessary...well it was necessary to get the epidural! I was ready for some sweet relief and as far as I was concerned they couldn't get it in fast enough!

Luckily once we agreed to be admitted they moved pretty fast. The epidural was in within half an hour and oh my GOD the relief it brought!! I can't even explain how grateful I was. My doula was able to really commiserate with the pain I had been in. She said based on the contractions on the monitor she would have guessed that I was 8cm!

Now that I was numb it was time to scrape my cervix for scar tissue and strip my membranes (Stripping the membranes is when a doctor inserts two fingers into the vagina and makes a sweeping motion inside the cervix to loosen not only the mucus plug but the bag of water from the uterus.) After it was over Ben was really surprised by the amount of blood that came out of me and said, "Thank goodness you couldn't feel that...you probably would have died!!!" They didn't find any scar tissue, but since she was able to force two fingers in my cervix they were hopeful that I coud start to dilate now.

Over the next couple hours they continued to watch my contractions and monitor the baby. My contractions stayed very intense, but like clockwork were STILL ONLY every 5 minutes. Baby's heartrate was high...not in distress, but still quiet high so that was concerning. After another cervical check I still had made no progress. Very disapointing.

At this point my doctor suggested that we try some Pitocin to increase the frequency of my contractions. I was concerned that the long hard contractions that pitocin can cause would put the baby over the edge since she was already showing early signs of distress. But in this situtation all I could do was fully trust my doctor. I had faith that he would take good care of both of us if an emergency c-section became nessecary. Again another medical invertion...Pitocin... that became totally necessary....birth plan out the window!!! Whatever!!

As soon as the pitocin was in my system I started contracting every 2-3 minutes! Baby tolerated it just fine and I finally began to dilate!! This was a huge relief...finally the fortress know as my cervix was looking like it might actually open up at let our baby out!!

Around midnight we heard a loud POP and that was my water breaking! I had no idea that it could break with enough force to literally be heard across the room!! Amazing. That was the final key and I went from 5cm to 10cm in just a couple hours.

Once it was finally time for me to push I felt a huge burst of energy. The only thing standing between me and holding my baby was my ability to push her out. Our doc thought it might take about two hours, but I had other plans. I was SO READY to meet my little girl that I pushed her out in 1/2 an hour. Using a mirror was great incentive and amazing to see!!

At 9:02 AM (after 55 hours of active labor) Morgan was placed on my chest. Her first apgar was a 6...poor baby was a little limp and blue after such a hard labor...but she quickly came around and was given a 9 for her second score. She nursed soon after that and has been beautifully healthy since.

Having Morgan home with us for 3.5 weeks now has been totally amazing. I am more in love with her each day. I didn't get my unmedicated birth, but I did a vaginal birth that delivered a healthy baby and that is all we really wanted. I am beyond grateful for modern medicine otherwise there is now way Ben and I could have created and birthed this beautiful child.

I thank God every day for this blessing.

Part One: Our Labor & Birth Story

2010-09-01T11:03:00.000-04:00

At last!! I'm back to blogging!! This is the first time in 3 weeks when I've had the time and ability to write. I have either had visitors at my house, been way too exhausted to think, had a baby in my arms, or all of the above at the same time. Whew! Having some time to write is really nice!!

Please don't misunderstand me...I loved all the family and friends who came visiting for days on end and I LOVE the hours I spend tending to all my new baby's needs, no matter how tired it makes me, but having a few quiet minutes to reflect and write about the experience I've been through, i.e. LABOR AND DELIVERY, is important to me.

From the beginning, I have planned on trying to go unmedicated and I wanted to labor at home for as long as possible with the assistance of a doula who has 26 years experience working with laboring women. Ideally we wanted to arrive at the hospital just prior to pushing. This is our story...

Tuesday, August 10th
For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, maybe you'll remember where I was when I got the call from my RE's office informing us that our second IVF was successful and that I was pregnant...Walmart. Yup, well as luck would have it, that's where I was...that same exact store... when the Braxton Hicks contractions I'd been having for weeks turned into labor pains. It's not like I even go to Walmart that often...wtf!?!?! Anyway, at the time I remember the contractions being strong enough that they would stop me in my tracks in the isles, but by that time in my pregnancy (39 weeks 6 days) I was so used to the frequency of the Braxton Hicks that I didn't think too much about it other than, "wow that one hurt!"

When we got home from the notorious Walmart I was exhausted and decided to lay down for a nap. (This will be the last time I get any rest for literally a week!) As I'm laying in bed a couple more of those painful BH contractions come and at this point I start watching the clock. "Hmmm, they are coming ever 10 minutes...that's different." We have dinner that night and go about the evening normally all the while these intense BH contractions keep coming. Ben and I go to bed.

Wednesday, August 11th
I tossed and turned in restless sleep and finally at 2AM the contractions have gotten too intense to stay in bed. (This is the time we officially start counting the beginning of my labor.) I would start to drift off then be awoken at the height of the pain during another contraction. It was terrible to be caught off guard by the pain....I'd wake up screaming because I wasn't prepared. The pain would paralyze me if it caught me while I was still on my back. Sometimes I would be able to scramble to my feet just prior to the peak and I would slump over my bed in agony....but still standing was WAY better than laying down. It really sucked to woken up like this repeatedly so I chose to stay awake since by now I KNEW this was not just painful BH contractions....this was LABOR. I wanted to be conscious so that I could feel the onset of another contraction and prepare myself for the pain. This made them bearable as I could concentrate and breath through them.

We were both excited. It was our official due date and something was really happening. I was aware that we might have a ways to go since some of my contractions were still 10 minutes apart, but I was encouraged that some would come as close as 5 minutes. I knew that the early stages of labor can sometime take hours (especially for first time mamas) for contractions to get consistently close together, so I knew I needed to be patient and just ride them out. A call to my doula at 8:30AM confirmed this. She encouraged us to just keep doing what we were doing and call her if they got 3-5 minutes apart for an hour straight. The morning quickly turned into the afternoon as we timed each contraction using the contraction master website. Since we already had our regularly scheduled weekly OB appt that afternoon at 1PM we decided to just go see my doc instead of calling him. We loaded up the car with all our hospital bags just in case he sent us straight there. By now my contractions had gotten closer together but still not consistent, every 5-8 minutes, but were definitely picking up in intensity. I was eager to have my doc check me to see how much I had dilated now that I'd been having really painful contractions for almost 12 hours.

When we got there I was aware the other women in the waiting room were probably thinking, "uh, lady, you go to the hospital when you're in labor not the doctor's office!" as I was clearly having to focus intensely on each breath when contractions came. I'm sure I looked crazy, but I didn't care. Soon we were escorted back to the exam room. My doctor looked pleased when he came in and half-jokingly said, "So I hear you're having some contractions...a delivery tonight would be great timing for me!" He proceeded to check my cervix...

Only 1 cm and about 75% effaced. I was really disappointed. No change since my appointment last week and I'd suffered through 12 hours already?? ugh!! He told me not to get discouraged....that sometime early labor just takes a long time. "Boo!! It's already been a long time!!" We were sent home to labor some more and instructed to call him if my water broke or if my contractions get to be consistently under 5 minutes apart.

On our way home at 3PM we called our doula again to give her an update and we learned that she was already at another birth. Great. She told me to stay in touch and she could send her backup if necessary, but the mama she was with was close to pushing so she didn't think she'd be too much longer.

We got home and the routine continued. I contracted sporadically, every 5-8 minutes, and each one seemed to hurt worse then the prior one. It wasn't able to eat much and I certainly was NOT able to sleep. Our doula called us at 6PM to tell us that she was home and HAD to sleep for at least 4 hours since she had been up 24 straight. She gave me the number of her backup, but I was not planning on calling a person to my house whom I had never met. I was on the fence about hiring a doula in the first place, but Ben convinced me that having an experienced coach there would be good for both of us...well fine, I like the one we hired, but I wasn't prepared to have to try to get to know and trust someone else in my current condition.

This update I posted seems to sum up the night pretty well:

"It's 3:30 AM....I'm still home, still laboring, and still no doula. It's been 25.5 straight hours of contractions and I'm exhausted. My body is shaking and nauseous from the pain that has gotten close to unbearable. I'm starting to think that it's time to go to the hospital...so I'm gonna call and wake up our doula to see what she says. My contractions are still wavering between 5 and 8 minutes apart, but they last more than 60 seconds and I'm barely able to make it through them..."

We called our doula at 4AM and I told her that I needed her now. I couldn't wait any longer. She was appreciative that I waited so long so that she could get some sleep. She arrived an hour later. Her presence brought a calming vibe over our house. I felt re-empowered to keep going despite my exhaustion and the raw pain of it all. For hours I'd been going back and forth from the birthing ball to standing using Ben's shoulders for support. When I was on the ball I could sway or bounce my hips to help ease the pain and I envisioned each movement helping to bring my baby down closer to coming out. The rhythm of my movements and intensity of the contractions put me into the trace-like state. My sunglasses helped dim the world around me and helped me focus more inward. Since I already looked a little goofy, my doula thought it would be funny if I put on the special party hat that my hostess made for me for my shower and took a picture while I labored. She was right...I'm glad to have this picture now. (Since I'm smiling, this pic was clearly taken between contractions...)

By 7 or 8 AM my contractions were steadily 5 minutes apart...one after another and another they coursed through me with wrenching pain. I tried to envision the pain as a productive, good pain. Believing that the stronger the pain to more productive is was and telling myself that this was good...this means that our baby is getting closer with each contraction to coming into the world!!

I held on to this strength and positivity for a couple of hours as I allowed the contractions to crash over me. Welcoming their intensity and force, they were the power that was going to bring me my baby. I chose to work with them and not fight it. I became comfortable with the deep sounds that were instinctively coming out of me. I made peace with this primal version of myself that needed to appear for this labor to happen. I was determined not to loose control of myself and in order for that to happen I had to let my instincts take over. I had to let go of my conscious mind and let my body do the work.

I really thought we were getting close to when my doula would say, "Ok, it's time we head out to the hospital. I think you're very close to the end!"

It turns out, not so much...

All morning my doula kept asking if I'd had any bloody show and I hadn't, but I did tell her that I'd noticed my cervix plug passed earlier in the morning before she's arrived. My contractions were STILL just 5 minutes apart...no closer, and my water hadn't ruptured. These were all signs to her that I wasn't as far along as I thought that I was. (HUGE MISCOMMUNICATION....wish I could turn back time and fix this one.)

Throughout the morning my doula had been answering her cell and stepping out of the room...I hadn't thought much about it until at 10:30 AM when she asked me if it would be alright if she left for a couple hours to help another mama who was on her way to the hospital and feeling the urge to push already. She told me that she was sure I still had plenty of hours and that she'd be back before I knew it.....I was totally stunned!!!

"You're leaving me and I still have a long way to go? WHAT??"

There I was sitting on my birthing ball groaning my way through each horrid contraction thinking I was getting very close to having my baby and the doula I'd hired felt comfortable enough to leave me! Really?!?!

I agreed for her to leave since I didn't want to make a scene and I only had a couple minutes before I had to prepare for another gut wrenching contraction. I didn't have the ability to communicate verbal thoughts...I just had to stay inside myself to focus on the pain at hand or I was going to loose control.

Out the door she went....

Leaving me behind...

I totally lost it...Tears and more tears compounded by hideous contractions. It was one of the lowest moments of my life. I was ready to give up. I was exhausted, DONE, and I really didn't believe I could get though one more contraction...

Little did I know, it would still be another 23 hours before Morgan was delivered.

More pictures....

2010-08-24T08:57:00.001-04:00

I still am trying to get around to typing up my birth story, but I have been very sleep deprived and busy with visitors, etc, etc...SOON! I am looking forward to the reflection of the whole process. I think about it all the time. The miracle of birth is still so immensence that I still can't quite wrap my mind around what I have been through. Wow...motherhood is incredible!! In the mean time, here are some newer pictures of our little sweetie...

First Bath!! (At home)

Someone is trying to be the baby!! Poor pup! How cute is she?!?!

Ps. I HAVE been keeping up with all your blogs on my blackberry....sorry I have been terrible at commenting. I will get back into it soon!!!

Baby Morgan PHOTOS!!!

2010-08-16T17:59:00.000-04:00

I look forward to recounting the birthing story in detail, but as you all know my computer time is very limited these days. Here are the much anticipated photos...

Morgan is born!!! 8/13/10 @ 9:02 AM

Getting to know eachother on the outside....most amazing moment of my life!!!!

Daddy with his brand new daughter.

First family photo taken just minutes after delivery!!!

Our AWESOME birthing team: Dr. F, the L&D nurse (Judy) and our amazing doula, Eileen.

7lbs 11ozs, 21 inches long!

First time in her car seat

Finally bringing OUR baby home after all this time...a dream come true!!!!!!

Home at last!!

Taken over my shoulder while toasting her arrival (champagne in background!)

3 days old

Thanks again for all the loving support during this amazing experience!!!! XOX

SHE'S ARRIVED!!!! (After a very LONG labor)

2010-08-15T07:14:00.000-04:00

Morgan Perry was born on August 13, 2010 at 9:02 AM after 55 hours of labor. She weighs 7lbs 11ozs and is measuring 21 inches long. Both of us are healthy and very happy together.

I will post pictures and our birth story when things settled down. She is even more wonderful than we could have imagined. Ben and I are just head over heels in love with our new baby!!!!

Thanks for all the bloggie support during my labor updates!!! All of you in this community are so wonderful!! XO

Labor Update #3

2010-08-12T06:06:00.000-04:00

It's 6 AM and the sky is lightening and so is my spirit. I feel renewed strength that I CAN do this.

Our doula arrived and she is making things seems much more manageable. Also a hot shower helped.

We are making progress...probably headed to the hospital in an hour or so.

Almost baby time!! :)

Labor Update #2

2010-08-12T03:30:00.000-04:00

It's 3:30 AM.

I'm still home, still laboring, and still no doula. It's been 25.5 straight hours of contractions and I'm exhausted. My body is shaking and nauseous from the pain that has gotten close to unbearable.

I'm starting to think that it's time to go to the hospital...so I'm gonna call and wake up our doula to see what she says.

My contractions are still wavering between 5 and 8 minutes apart, but they last more than 60 second and I'm barely able to make it through them...

Questioning my choice for an unmedicated labor....If this weren't taking SO long....good God this is so tough!!!!

Cervical plug passed around midnight so hopeful that I'm making some progress.

This labor is no joke!!!!! I just want to hold my baby....

Due Date & Having Contractions UPDATE #1

2010-08-11T15:33:00.000-04:00

My OB determined that I'm STILL only 1cm dilated and 75% effaced. Boo...I was hoping to hear that more had changed now that I've been having contractions for 12 + hours.

He sent us home saying that this early labor could continue for 12-18 hours or things could turn quickly and I could start progressing faster. Only time will tell.

We are to call him if my contractions become more intense (I feel they are already headed in that direction since he checked me...ouch) or if they get closer together. Right now I'm contracting about 60 seconds every 5-9 minutes.

We called our doula on the way to the OB to give her an update (since we had only been texting earlier today) and I learned that she is already at the hospital with another mama who is getting ready to push. We signed off quickly and I told her I would be in touch when we knew anything. I've texted her and have yet to hear back. I'm sure she's in the midst of delivery with her other client. Yikes...I wonder how many hours she's already been awake?? We'll see how this goes as well.

I'm going to try to get some rest now since it appears I have a long night ahead of me. I'll update as things change....

Due Date & Having Contractions

2010-08-11T10:57:00.000-04:00

Today is my long awaited due date and I started contracting at about 2 AM!!! It's looking like we might have a very punctual baby!! :)

Nothing too serious yet, but my contractions were strong enough to wake me up throughout the night. We've been timing since about 7 AM and they are lasting 30-60 seconds and coming anywhere from 5-10 minutes apart. Some are mild and others are more intense. I'm still leery about this being "real" early labor and I'm aware that this could go on for many hours (or even days .... heaven forbid!!).

We contacted our doula, Eileen, at about 8:30 AM to let her know what's up. She agreed that this could be a great sign that things are about to get going or it could just be the babe doing some positioning. She told us to call her back when my contractions were lasting 60 seconds and consistently coming every 3-5 minutes. This works for us since I'm coping just fine so far and don't feel like I need her yet. Ben is home and being wonderful to me.

We have our weekly OB appointment this afternoon at 1 PM, so I'm really looking forward to seeing him to hear what he thinks. (Since my water hasn't broken, we haven't bothered to call since I know I'll be seeing him in a few hours anyway.) Hopefully he'll discover that I've begun to dilate and we're on our way to meeting our little Morgan.

Here's to hoping that today is our finally our baby's birthday!!! :)

(I'll continue to update as we learn more.)

1 DAY LEFT

2010-08-10T10:30:00.001-04:00

It's so weird and amazing to look at my tickers and see only 1. I remember when I first started those and they read 265 or something. It was a lot of days to go, but now I have reached the last day....according to the tickers...who knows how many more I actually have left???

Breast pump!

A lot of you have suggested using a breast pump to help get things started...but I have one little problem. I don't have one. My plan was to rent one from the hospital and eventually buy one when I knew something about them and could get a better idea of what model I wanted. I guess I need to revise that plan. This is where you come in...

What pump should I buy?

I will be a stay-at-home-mom so I wont need to be mass pumping every day in the long run, but I know I would appreciate efficiency and quality vs. a difficult manual pump. I've heard that Medela are the best brand...is that right?

Please help!! Any and all advice will be much appreciated!!

And finally here is my (hopefully LAST) update...

How far along: 39 weeks, 6 days

Total Weight Gain: 10 million lbs....or something like that. (really only 35.5 but it feels like more..ugh)

Symptoms: Heartburn, braxton hicks, slightly swollen ankles, slight impatience and pure excitement.
Sleep: Fortunately I still sleep very well with almost no pain....its all about the Tempurpedic mattress!! Best investment ever!!!

Most recent Doctor’s Appt: 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. Blood pressure was low and baby looked great. All good news.

Best Moment Last Week: Watching my cleaning lady scrub my whole house. She really helped to calm the nesting instincts I have but am too pregnant to act on. :)

Movement: Baby's movements have become more subtle since she is so cramped and her arms and legs are facing in. She gets the hiccups all the time.

Food Cravings: Nothing particular.

What I Miss: Being able to go out in public and not worry that my water could break at any second making it look like I peed my pants.

What am I looking forward to: GIVING BIRTH TO MY BABY GIRL!!!

Milestones: Reaching the last page of our pregnancy journal...now we're in the full term + pages....oh dear!!

How is Daddy? SUPER READY to meet his little girl. He just can't wait!!!!!

Still pregnant...home remedies for inducing labor?

2010-08-09T09:44:00.000-04:00

Day left until my due date: 2

Apparently our Morgan is still very cozy in my womb. I'm glad that I've provided such a warm and nice home for her, but come on Baby we want to see you!!!

I walked 4 miles the last two days and spent 3 hours wondering around IKEA yesterday. I was hoping all that time moving around on my feet would do the trick, but alas here I am still as round as a pumpkin feeling no closer to L&D.

People keep giving me the funniest advice..."lift a couch or something really heavy, go play tennis, do jumping jacks, eat some spicy Indian food." I highly doubt these are scientific and three out of the four sound a little dangerous to me. Indian food will most certainly give me the worst heartburn of all time. I'll pass...

Our doula and doctor have both suggested sex.

Making love at 40 weeks pregnant when your parents are staying with you just down the hall is about as unromantic as it can possibly get, but desperate times call for desperate measures.....still, we've had no luck.

Also our doula, my doc, my sister (who's a midwife) and our childbirth educator have all suggested nipple stimulation for 30 minutes a day to help my body produce oxytocin, the labor inducing hormone. In theory it sounds like a great idea, but who wants to sit around for half an hour every day and squeeze their own nipples repeatedly like a monkey? I just can't quite get disciplined enough to follow this one, but give me a few more days of this endless waiting...I might change my mind. :)

I'm telling you, it seems our baby does not want to be coaxed out yet. She is very cozy and content for now, so we just have to continue to be patient.

Oh and some others have suggested castor oil. NO thanks. I would rather wait and be induced medically than experience this self inflicted hell:

"Castor oil almost always causes diarrhea. Its primary use is a stimulant laxative. It has an unpleasant taste and may cause nausea, vomiting, and abdominal cramping. If you do not wish to experience these symptoms, do not try castor oil."

Yeah.

Here's a picture of me from last night. Football preseason has started and my team's jersey is a little tight this year...only one solution for this. GIVE BIRTH!!

No Baby Yet...

2010-08-06T10:31:00.000-04:00

5 days left until our due date.

So I never really expected her to come early, but I hoped she might. It seems to be the popular trend these days...most of my bloggie cycle buddies have delivered their babies (early) and so have all my pregnant friends in real life.

I love studying all the baby pictures they've posted on their blogs and facebook accounts. It still just amazes me that those precious little faces came out of those baby bumps I've been admiring for months. Then I look down at my bump and I still have trouble believing that there is a sweet little face in there waiting to greet me one of these days.

It still seems surreal. The longer I wait and the longer the time goes by after receiving news of my friends' deliveries the more I have trouble believing that this is actually going to happen to me too. I feel the way I did when I first got that positive pregnancy test. It was so wonderful that I couldn't seem to wrap my head around the great news.

Yes, I feel her kick constantly, but in a way I've gotten used to pregnancy. It feels normal to me now...even if I am becoming increasing less comfortable.

I know this is a finite process and eventually she will HAVE to come out, but today it feels very far away.

I don't want to seem impatient like I'm trying to will her out since I prayed so hard in beginning for her to implant after our embryo transfer. This wait is just very long and seems to get harder every day and I'm running out of distractions to keep me busy until her arrival. Not to mention my energy is limited so doing all kinds of thing is out of the question. My parents are here waiting for her to arrive...all her clothes have been washed and her car seat is installed. I have my hospital bags packed and I've checked all my lists twice. I AM READY, but apparently SHE ISN'T quite yet...and I respect that. I know eventually she will arrive when she's ready.

I just hope that it's sooner than later. I am prepared to be patient for 5 more days, but I know once I pass my due date it's going to get very difficult!!!

Come on baby...PLEASE COME OUT SOON!!! WE CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOU!!!!

39 Weeks - Ultrasound Update

2010-08-04T16:05:00.000-04:00

Today Dr. F did an ultrasound at my regular weekly appointment to check baby Morgan to make sure all is still going well. This is what we learned:

My blood pressure is normal at 118/70. I am still only 1 cm dilated and about 50% effaced.

Morgan's heart rate was 151 and she is head down, in an anterior position, and at -2 station. Great news!! Perfect position to come on out!!! Her fluid is measuring 10.2...also perfect! He estimated that she's weighing about 7lbs 10ozs. Her legs are measuring long so that might make the weight estimate a little light. He guessed we're going to have an 8lb baby or maybe even 9lb if she waits another week or so before her big debut. Good news is that her head is measuring on the smaller side so hopefully that will make things easier on me. (Ben has a huge head, so I was worried...phew! She's taking after my hat size!!)

All great news!! We're both very healthy!! I feel really blessed!!

I hope this is my last doctor's appointment update before she arrives...if not, our next appointment in on our due date...August 11th.

I am feeling really ready, confident and very excited to welcome our little one into the world. I keep trying to picture what it's going to be like the first moment I get to hold her and look into her eyes and touch her tiny little hands. I know it's going to be magical and I can hardly wait!!!!

Its hard to believe that this special time has really arrived...I, Me, Priscilla is really about to have a baby any day now! I feel like I'm living in a sweet dream!!!

Update

2010-08-02T14:06:00.000-04:00

How far along: 38 weeks and 5 days (only 9 days left until my due date).

Total Weight Gain: Who gives a sh*t at this point....last week I was at 30 lbs. I don't want to look at the scale anymore...it depresses me.

Symptoms: Heartburn is only kept manageable by Zantac...I have no room left in my abdomen! Contractions have started to get more painful. Some swelling in my hands, feet and ankles.

Sleep: Some nights are better than others. I have even more trouble rolling over now....I feel stuck sometimes.

Most recent Doctor’s Appt: My BP was 110/62, baby's HB was 145. I was dilated 1 cm and about 50% effaced. Everybody is very healthy! Ultrasound scheduled for this Wednesday to check her size and fluid level.

Best Moment Last Week: Getting an full body massage...from my mama!! She set up her professional massage table in the babies room and it was heavenly!!!!

Movement: My baby is getting really, really strong. She likes to push against my bones now...I hope that means she's getting ready to come out!

Food Cravings: All I want is junk food and I know that's the last thing I should be eating. I dream about cheeseburgers, ice cream, and candy....ugh! Good thing my parents are here and doing lots of healthy cooking otherwise who knows what I'd be feeding myself. I have just lost my motivation in the kitchen.

What I Miss: Having pregnant friends to hang out with in real life...I'm the last one left! Not much longer I hope!!! I can't wait to hold my baby too!!!!!

What am I looking forward to: MEETING MORGAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Milestones: Getting EVERYTHING done from my list of things to do before baby comes. Now I'm just playing the waiting game....

How is Daddy? He's getting anxious for baby to come. He's trying to be calm and patient, but I can tell that he's getting tired of waiting just like I am.

A LONG Mental Gestation

2010-07-29T10:47:00.000-04:00

I'm officially the last of my friends in real life who is still pregnant. My good friend and prenatal yoga buddy just gave birth yesterday...a week and a half early. Our due dates were only 3 days apart. I had two other women who were pregnant with me (they were both about 8 weeks ahead of me) and it was so fun to be around them when we all had our baby bumps. They've all had their babies now (all went early to boot) and I'm the only one left wondering when mine will decide to show up. I still have 13 days until my due date, so I realize I shouldn't hold my breath...Chances are I'll probably go late since they were all so early....

It's just this...I FEEL like I've been pregnant for almost a year now. I know you other IVF mommas out there will get me on this one. When you make the decision to get underway with an IVF cycle you're already in the mindset of being pregnant. Your daily focus is on prenatal vitamins, hormone injections, ovary sonograms, doctors appointments and eating healthy. We are completely aware that our bodies may be on the verge of pregnancy so we mentally have already begun our gestation. The truth is, it could be two months of this before we are actually pregnant. By the time we actually conceived we have been thinking about this pregnancy day in and day out for weeks and weeks or even months.

So my other friends (one excluded because she conceived via IUI so she went through a lot of that mental prep) found out they were pregnant weeks or months after I had already committed to this daily routine of "being pregnant." Two of them have had their babies for 2 months or more and the last friend (who was due right when I was due) already has her baby in her arms too!!! When is it my turn?!?! I know this sounds crazy and impatient, but it's truly where I am right now.

I feel like I have been pregnant forever and I'm having trouble seeing the end. I have the same feelings that I did when everyone else around me was getting BFPs and I was always stuck with a BFN. Now I realize that there is a baby inside me and eventually she will show up, but in the mean time I feel left out from my group of peers especially since their pregnancies seemed to be so much shorter than mine. (In reality two of them were since they delivered at 33 weeks and 37 weeks...I am just starting my 39th week!) I started this IVF cycle October 1st, 2009....so I translate that as being the day I learned I was pregnant if I were like most women who wake up one morning and can just pee on a stick...and surprise! If this were the case, my due date would have been sometime around June 11th. It's now July 29th and I still have two more weeks...and that's assuming that she's not late. Ugh! So here's my point...I have already been mentally pregnant for 10 full months (Oct thru July). I have learned of new pregnancies and since gone to meet their babies....and I'm STILL pregnant!!

Can anyone tell that I'm feeling beyond READY!!! I know I sound like a whiny little bitch, but please spare me the nasty comments. I realize how fortunate I am to even be pregnant. I'm trying chill. I really am....I just wish that I still had a pregnant friend around me........tick tock, tick tock......another month is about to start and I feel like this baby is never going to arrive....

This waiting is making me CRAZY!!

(Thanks for reading my venting session...I feel much better now. I know she will be here soon....I know, I know...you really don't need to tell me that. It's just that I'm so SO READY to meet my baby after trying to conceive her for 3 years. It's hard to sit back and relax and just wait.....it really is.)

I'll leave you with this picture...I took my 7 year old niece to the zoo a few weeks ago and we came across this pregnant rhino. They have a 16 month gestation period and she was in her 12th month. It was so hot and she was just wallowing in the water with birds climbing on her...I really felt for that old girl!!! I feel like I'm on Rhino-gestation time!!!!! HA!

Full Term and READY!

2010-07-22T11:00:00.000-04:00

How far along: 37 Weeks, 1 Day ... 20 days until our due date!!!

Total Weight Gain: 30 lbs

Symptoms: A ton of BRAXTON HICKS CONTRACTIONS!! And the the most relentless heartburn ever! Overall though I still feel quite healthy.

Sleep: I still sleep really well....but when I wake up I'm still tired. I'm sleepy a lot these days....so glad I have my mom and dad here to help with meals and my dogs and my house, etc, etc. They are so good to us!!

Most recent Doctor’s Appt: Great! My BP was 110/60, baby's HB was 145 and my cervix was starting to soften and efface. No dilation yet. Doc thinks labor could start tonight or 4 weeks from now...no way to really know. I'm hoping for sooner than later!!

Best Moment Last Week: Baby Shower #3...two of my best friends (Chris & Cary) hosted a ladies only afternoon shower for me. It was SO FUN having all my girls (well most of them) in one place at one time! Everyone was so generous and I felt so special. One of my mom's friends wrote a song and performed it for the group and one of my wonderful hosts (Cary) made me a special baby shower party hat to wear! Chris brought tons of beautiful pink Hydrangeas from her mother's garden. I even had a couple girls drive in from out of town...as far as 4 hours away!! It was so special!!! I will always cherish the memories!! Here are some pictures...

My super special, one of kind, party hat! :)

SOOO many generous baby gifts!

Amanda performing the lullaby she wrote for my baby!

Chris's beautiful flowers

Cary handmade the decorations!! They were awesome!

Movement: All the time. I can tell she's getting cramped in there!

Food Cravings: Greater's Mocha Chip Ice Cream!!

What I Miss: Nothing! (well, that's not true...I do miss drinking wine and being able to tie my own gym shoes...not much longer!!)

What am I looking forward to: Meeting my baby on her birthday!!!

Milestones: Getting our hospital bags packed, washing Morgan's newborn clothes, blankets, etc and getting her baby gear (swings, bouncer, etc) all set up!! We are totally ready!! We have everything but the baby!!! :)

How is Daddy? He is just as eager as I am to meet our little bundle! We are both SO EXCITED and feeling beyond GRATEFUL that we get to experience this joy as we await her arrival!

Our Maternity Pictures

2010-07-16T16:37:00.000-04:00

Getting ready to nurse...

2010-07-13T16:45:00.000-04:00

Days left to my due date: 29!!!

My parents have been in town which is wonderful!! I am so loving my time with my mom. It means the world to have her here with me!! Yesterday she went shopping with me for nursing bras, tanks, nighties and tops. I am so glad she was with me because it turned into a wild goose hunt that I may have not handled as well without her.

First we went to Macy's and found a sales consultant and asked her where we could find the nursing section. She sent us downstairs. I waddled all the way down and we ran into another consultant in the lingerie department. When we inquired about the nursing bra section she sweetly told us that they didn't have any in this season. Seriously??

My first thought, "Apparently it's not Vogue to nurse. Perhaps next season it will be back in style." How could this be? She was very nice, but repeated that there just wasn't any nursing clothes available in the entire store and suggested that we try Dilliards. Ugh...on to the next huge department store to waddle through...my back is starting to feel very sore after only 5 minutes of standing these days.

So my mom and I walk into Dilliard's and find the nightie and lingerie department and ask one of their sales people for the nursing section...she just looks at us and plainly says while shaking her head, "we don't carry any of that."

WTF!?!? I didn't realize that it was going to be so hard to find a store that sells this stuff. My biggest concern was finding a bra that fits since I'm way above average in cup size, but this was even more frustrating than that!

As we hit the road to go to yet another store I was thinking, "no wonder so few women really nurse their babies anymore." It makes sense when the two biggest stores at the mall make it seem like nursing is for freaks! I really didn't expect that this part would be so hard!

My goal is to nurse my baby for 9-12 months so finding some nursing bras and tops is pretty important to me! We arrived at Motherhood Maternity and finally they had the right stuff! I purchased their biggest bra in the store....size 44F!! (That F stands for holy F*CK my boobs are big!) And I was able to get 5 shirts that look half decent too!! I also got a nursing nightie that I plan on packing in my hospital bag.

Phew! I did it....thanks to my mom's help and perseverance! Nursing is already proving to be ONLY for those who are seriously committed!!!

Shower # 2 and An Update!

2010-07-06T10:24:00.000-04:00

I have been so M.I.A. from blog land!! I haven't posted in days, but I promise I have been keeping up with all my bloggy buddies (even if I've been bad at commenting.)

Summer is such a busy and fun time! My parent's got into town a week ago so we've been enjoying their company. We also were thrown a second couple's shower that included mostly my family and some close family friends. Our first shower was with Ben's family so it was great to celebrate with everyone on my side too! This baby will definitely be surrounded by two loving families!

My cousin, Rachael, organized the evening and it was great. It was a 4th of July shower so after a grilled dinner and gifts the whole party was able to watch the downtown fireworks (we have a view of the Cincinnati skyline from our back deck) and that ended the evening on a very festive note. Here are a few pictures...

Me and a pregnant friends sharing an O'Douls.

My sweet hubby, Ben!

Our baby's 1st Piggy Bank (I gave this to him b/c Ben works in finance and always talks about how he's going to teach his little girl how to save and invest....ha!)

Of course the little girls were right in the action! So Cute!

All the kiddos!! :)

Quick update: We had an ultrasound last Friday just so our doc could make sure everything is still going well. She was measuring 5 lbs 4 ozs which is perfectly average. My fluid was 15 and we were told that everything looks perfect!! Best news ever!!! Can't believe there is only 36 more days until our due date!! She'll be here in no time!!

On to shower # 3 this coming weekend! This group is going to be all my lady friends hosted by two of my best friends. I'm especially looking forward to having all my girlfriends in one place at one time!! What fun!! I don't think I've ever been more happy. We feel so blessed these days.

Our Birth Plan

2010-06-25T11:20:00.000-04:00

Below is our typed up one-pager we will be giving our doctor and sending to the hospital for our chart. I also plan on bringing a few copies to hand to the nurse(s) on duty when I actually go into labor. This has become a common practice and was encouraged by our physician, our childbirth class educator and our doula. Having a few bullet points on paper makes it easier for everyone to be one the same page so they can help support us the way we want to be supported. Also, this way, we wont have to continue to repeat our wishes over and over again whenever a new person walks into the room.

(We have already discussed and agreed all of the following with our doctor and he is totally on board to help us achieve our goal! We chose to see this specific doc because of his reputation for encouraging natural, unmedicated births...he rocks!!!!)

Birth Plan for Priscilla & Ben B.
June 25, 2010

We are striving for a natural, unmedicated birth at Bethesda North Hospital. We have taken Unmedicated Childbirth classes and toured the hospital’s OB unit. We have complete faith in the care we will receive at Bethesda North, and we would especially like to be encouraged by the medical staff to follow through with an unmedicated labor and birth.

In labor and delivery, Priscilla would prefer:
• The freedom to move about as much as possible utilizing a birthing ball, shower/tub, squatting bar, etc. to achieve as much physical comfort as possible.
• To have a stationary fetal monitor attached only when medically necessary. A wireless monitor is ok.
• To drink clear fluids and/or suck on ice rather than receiving I.V. fluids; establishing a hep-lock is ok.
• Not to have a vaginal exam unless necessary or desired.
• To be able to dim the lights and listen to music to help achieve relaxation.
• NOT to be given Pitocin, Misoprostol (Cytotec) or any other contraction inducing/enhancing drug unless medically necessary.
• NOT to have her water broken by the staff unless medically necessary.
• To be able to push her baby out in whatever position feels right (lying on her side, squatting on the bed,
hands and knees on the bed, etc.)
• To deliver without an episiotomy unless medically necessary.
• To deliver without the help of forceps or vacuum extractor unless medically necessary.

Immediately after the birth, Priscilla would prefer:
• To hold the baby on her chest (skin to skin contact) and nurse as soon as possible.
• That the umbilical cord stop pulsating before it is cut.
• For Ben, the father, to cut the cord.
• That the baby not be given any bottles or pacifiers unless medically necessary.
• That the baby never leaves her side unless medically necessary.

We know that complications could arise that would require us to deviate from our desire for a natural, unmedicated birth. We value the support of the hospital staff and our physician in guiding us to deliver a healthy baby in any event.

If a Cesarean becomes necessary, we prefer:
• For Ben to be present.
• For Priscilla to be awake during surgery.
• For Priscilla to be able to touch the baby immediately after the birth.
• For Ben to be able to hold the baby in the operating room.
• That the baby never leaves us unless medically necessary.

Thank you very much for your kind attention.

Priscilla and Ben B.
Due Date: August 11, 2010

1st Birthing Class

2010-06-24T14:38:00.000-04:00

Days left until our due date: 48!!

That is SO hard for me to believe! Time has really started to fly! Thank you summer!!

So the other night Ben and I went to our first Unmedicated Childbirth Class. It was fun to be around other couples who want the same thing out of their birth experience as we do. It was a nice break from the many questions we normally get from people like, "why would you want to feel the pain of natural child birth?!?"

I keep telling everyone that I'm not making any promises that might set me up for regret or disappointment, but I would like to go into labor with the intention to go all the way through unmedicated. I just feel that's what's best for me and my baby. To be honest I'm more afraid of an epidural and the slippery slope of complications that can ensue as a result than I am fearful of the pain. Everyone keeps telling me that I'll change my mind. We'll see.

I believe having a doula's support gets me one step closer to my goal. Also having a written out birth plan can't hurt, so I'm gonna work on that today.

I'm still feeling fabulous and staying active. Pregnancy really has been easier for me than I expected. (What a relief after years of infertiltiy!!!) Woo Hoo!! Hope I can keep this attitude all the way through my labor and delivery!! I'll post my birth plan when I get it written.

And here is a baby bump picture taken today!

Survey Time!

2010-06-18T13:29:00.001-04:00

How far along: 32 weeks, 2 days

Total Weight Gain: Last I weighed in, I was up 23.5 lbs.

Symptoms: Occasional Braxton Hicks contractions during the day especially when I'm on my feet for a while and heartburn EVERY night.

Sleep: Still pretty good minus the 3-4 bathroom trips I make every night. The baby woke me up kicking my bladder early this morning. :)

Most recent Doctor’s Appt: Today I saw Dr. F and everything went great. My blood pressure was nice and low at 110/64 and baby's HB was great too (I didn't get the exact beats per minute but whatever.) My weight is right on, but my uterus is measuring about a week ahead at 33 weeks, 2 days. Nothing at all to be concerned about he said. He's guessing she weights about 4.5lbs and we have an ultrasound scheduled for next appointment so he can measure her to get a more accurate estimate and to see about her positioning, etc. Looking forward to that! Yay for a healthy check-up!! Oh and he suggested I take a Zantac at dinner time to help with my late-night heartburn instead of relying on Tums. He told me heartburn is totally normal this late in the game due to my baby putting a lot of pressure on my stomach.

Best Moment Last Week: Dreaming about my baby sucking on my index finger. She was so little and sweet and I was so in love with her. When I woke up I had this warm feeling in my heart and I couldn't stop smiling.

Movement: You bet!! Mostly when I'm lying down. My whole belly changes into funny shapes when she really gets going. It's amazing to watch!

Food Cravings: WATERMELON!! Seriously I ate an entire watermelon all by myself this week.

What I Miss: Being able to bend over to take better care of my flowers and landscaping around the house. I see the weeds starting to grow and the ground cover that needs trimming around the edges and I can't do much about it. Ben's gonna help me get things under control this weekend. Yay!

What am I looking forward to: Welcoming my parents to town for the summer on June 27th!

Milestones: Still being able to walk/hike a couple miles a day (despite having to pee the entire time.) I am trying to keep my fitness and mobility up so that hopefully that will make labor and delivery easier on me.

How is Daddy? BUSY!! He works really long hours (he's a finance executive for a fortune 500 company) and sometimes I feel like I never get to see him. Especially this week!! I know that this is a particular busy time of year for his business so things should calm down shortly. Also he's planning on using a couple weeks of vacation after Morgan arrives so that he can bond with his baby girl right from the start.

Babies make me cry!

2010-06-15T12:39:00.000-04:00

Recently whenever I see a baby I feel this emotion rise up inside me and get me by the throat. Especially if they are crying it totally makes me cry. Seriously it happens in grocery stores, parks, malls, even babies on TV...everywhere you see babies I get choked up every time I see one! It's so freakishly weird. I'm not a cryer...especially in public, but whenever I see a little bundle or hear one cry out, tears just start rolling out of my eyes. It's crazy! What is going on?

Have any of you out there ever experienced this?

My guess is it's just my hormones going crazy and it's nature's way of preparing me to be a mama. Oh it's so embarrassing. I'm such a cry baby!! :)

100th Post!!

2010-06-14T11:08:00.000-04:00

So in honor of my 100th post and now that my count down ticker is under 60 days I am going to try to pick up my blogging pace. I have been slacking for some months now, posting something only once a week or less. And recently I have had at least 3 or 4 people give me the advice to soak this time up. That these last couple months of pregnancy go by fast, and I will always reflect back on them and miss them once they are over. So moms out there who have given this advice, consider it heard! I plan to write everyday, OK maybe not every day, but as often as I can so I can soak this time up and have this writing to reflect back on! After all, I have not forgotten how difficult this one pregnancy was for us to attain and I am aware that it might be my only, so I definitely want to cherish this time and not be in a hurry for it to be over (even though I can't wait to meet my baby)!

Days left until my due date: 58

Wow! I remember when I first created that ticker on the side of my blog and it was somewhere around 265 days to go. At the time I was a little afraid to post it thinking that it might jinx me or something. It really is hard to believe that we are in our final two month stretch! I am going to have a baby in TWO MONTHS! It still seems surreal to think about despite all the planning, baby kicks and the crib set up in our house. I bet all first time moms feel this way no matter how they conceived. There is this great sense that life as we know it is about to change forever and there is only so much we can really do to be ready. It's hard to picture oneself in a role they have never been in before. Mother. That is a huge responsibility!

There are people in this world who have always gravitated towards towards babies and children. They are just at ease and its totally naturally for them to interact with these youngsters. My only (and older) sister was always like this. I was not. She was a serious baby sitter all through high school, I worked at the mall in a bathing suit boutique. As a teenager I just wasn't drawn to children the way she was. Bottom line, now, I have no experience!

At this point I am completely relying on those "instincts" everyone talk about. "Oh it's different when it's your own baby." "You'll know just what to do." "It'll come naturally to you, don't worry."

I hope so!! Some days I can totally picture myself being completely confident with my infant. Like I've always known how to do this. I can picture myself calming her cries and changing her diapers. Bath time? No problem. It's all good. My instincts are leading the way and I am doing a fabulous job.

Then there are days when I picture myself trying to breastfeed my baby and I get totally overwhelmed. How am I going to do that? Is it really going to work? Can I really help my baby stop crying? Will I be able to determine what she needs? Am I going to be able to handle not sleeping for days and weeks on end? I feel totally unprepared!

I'm imagine motherhood is exactly a combination of what I have just described. Some days I'll be on top of the world and others I will be crying as pathetically as the baby I'm supposed to be caring for.

These days I am mix of pure excitement and little nervous anxiety. I want to be a really good mother and I know there is so much I will need to learn in a very short period of time.

So I am turning all my faith over to my instincts because I believe all the knowledge I will need is already inside me. I just have to learn to listen. Here's to hoping anyways!! Thank God my mom and dad, my mother and father-in-law, and my husband will be around in the begining to help me figure it all out!

Only 61 Days to go!!

2010-06-11T10:21:00.000-04:00

How far along: 31Weeks, 2 Days

Total Weight Gain: 23.5 lbs

Symptoms: Occasional heartburn at bed time (probably from eating too much too late at night) is my only complaint. Sure I feel heavier and less coordinated, but I love it!

Sleep: Great! I am still sleeping very, very well. (I give all the credit to our Tempurpedic mattress. We've had it for 2.5 years and I still say, "ahhhh" every night when I climb into bed. No pressure points at all, so my hips are doing just fine. I don't even use body pillow.)

Most recent doctor's appt: My blood pressure was 111/52, baby's HB was 165 and everything was measuring just right. No concerns at all. I am grateful for such health.

Best Moment Last Week: Watching Ben put together our new high chair and travel system that were gifted to us at the shower. We have them set up in our formal dining room (a place we rarely go, so they are not in the way) and I smile every time I walk by and see them in there. So amazing that we have those items in our house for OUR baby!!

Movement: ALL the time. She feels really big now and I love keeping my hands on my belly to feel her kicks. She has found her head down position (been there for over a month now...doc says that some babies find their nook early and like to stay put) so I always feel her feet in the same place on the right side of my abdomen. She also gets the hiccups a lot that are funny to feel. Ben can even feel them.

Food Cravings: Black Olives!

What I Miss: Being able to keep up with Ben on our evening walks/jogs. He is training for a 10K. I am obviously not, but I try to walk for 30+ minutes a day. We start out together at the track and then he takes off running and I keep walking. We meet back up after about 25 minutes. I look forward to doing it together once our baby is big enough for a jogging stroller. (I also look forward to not having a heavy baby on my bladder when I'm power walking!)

What am I looking forward to: Our 34 week ultrasound. This will help determine how big she really is and, of course, I always love getting a glimpse of what she's doing in there!

Milestones: Making it to the final 10 week stretch!

How is Daddy? He is amazing. He massages lotion on my feet most evenings when we get into bed since it's hard for me to reach and it feels so good. He is definitely going to be a great and loving father!!

Baby Shower #1

2010-06-01T16:35:00.000-04:00

This past weekend my sister-in-law, Betsy, threw me my first baby shower. Betsy is my husband's younger sister, and she is just the sweetest!! The shower included all the women in my husband's family and a few of their local friends. It was so pretty and perfect! I have never felt so showered in love and support. Of course it made me cry. I was so happy to be celebrating the upcoming arrival of their side of the family's first grand baby. Everyone seems so excited for us and that just makes it so special.

Most everyone there knew about the challenges Ben and I have been through to get actually get here, so the afternoon felt even more celebratory because our prayers were answered by this miracle pregnancy! His mom got teary-eyed with me as she told me how long and hard she had prayed with her friends at church for this baby to come into our lives. It was a real moment of bonding that I wont ever forget. The day was total perfection!! Almost an out of body experience to be at MY OWN baby shower....it's so amazing!! This is really happening!!!!!

The latest baby bump picture...

The beautifully set table with an "M" in the center for Baby Morgan

Great food spread!

The hostess, Betsy, with my my pup, Bunny...of course she was invited and thoroughly enjoyed herself and all the attention everyone gave her! Look at that smile!!

And the gifts.....WOW!! Everyone was so generous!!

Big Stuffed Kitty Ball!! How cute??

Froggie Bath Center

So many precious little pink outfits and this special hand made baby blanket!

Morgan got her first Cincinnati Bengals Onesie!! Ben and I are major football people and I expect that our little one will be the city's youngest fan!! She'll be a WHO-DEY baby for sure!! :)

And finally did anyone notice my sparkly earrings? My darling husband recently surprised me with these diamond studs for our 3rd wedding anniversary (which is tomorrow). He gave them to me early so I could wear them to this shower. How sweet is that?? I feel like the luckiest girl in the world these days! We are truly riding one of those peaks in life people talk about. It's feels so good to be finally out of the infertile valley. Thank God!!!

29 Weeks, 1 Day

2010-05-27T16:13:00.000-04:00

How far along: 29 weeks, 1 day
Total Weight Gain: Ugh...who cares. I know it's more than 20lbs now. My doctor has said all is right on track, but at this point I'm avoiding the scale since it's kinda freaks me out.

Symptoms: Heartburn has really eased up. I have it occasionally, but nothing too severe at all. Other than that I feel pretty good most of the time. I'm always hungry too. I feel like a big round-rolly-polly who's movements are compromised, but I still feel really healthy and that's what matters!

Sleep: I'm needing more of it these days and fortunately I still sleep well so that's good.

Best Moment Last Week: Trading in my beloved Mustang Convertible (not baby or car seat friendly at all) for a Cadillac CTS (sporty-mommy car). I absolutely love the new car so that made it easier to say goodbye to my old one.

Movement: All the time. I think I can feel every little thing she does now. I love it, but sometimes at night I wonder if she's ever going to stop squirming so I can fall asleep. Oh and she's gotten the hiccups a few times now which feels really funny.

Food Cravings: Skyline Chili (It's a Cincinnati thing.)

What I Miss: My mom and dad. I haven't seen my dad since November and I last saw my mom in March, but only for a couple days. They are coming to town this summer for 6 weeks over my due date ensuring that they'll be here for Morgan's birth so that will be wonderful to have their support and company!!

What am I looking forward to: This weekend is my first baby shower!!! It's hosted by my sister-in-law up in Dayton, Ohio where my husband's family lives. I am looking forward to seeing everyone on his side of the family!!

Milestones: Visiting the hospital for their maternity tour. It was really nice to be able to see where everything will take place so we can picture it. Certainly makes it real now!

How is Daddy? Great! He's taking tomorrow off so we have a 4 day weekend together!! Rare that he has that much free time with his busy work schedule. Looking forward to pool time at his parent's house!! :)

We finally got PICTURES!!!

2010-05-21T14:22:00.000-04:00

Third time was the charm!! Here is my baby's sweet little face. I am sooo in love!!

In this photo she's making Daddy's grouchy face.

Doc appt. & 3D/4D Imaging Take Two

2010-05-14T09:47:00.001-04:00

We had our last monthly appointment with our OB on Wednesday (from now on we go every two weeks until the last month when we'll go every week) and every thing looked great!! My blood pressure was low (111/62) and Baby's HB was 160. My belly is measuring just right and my weight is right on target. I also had my glucose challenge and hemoglobin blood tests. Hopefully they come back just fine (they are supposed to call me with the results today). If they do come back normal, I will have an excellent bill of health. Something I definitely will not take for granted in this 28th week. Health is such a blessing, especially during pregnancy! I have tried to stay as healthy as possible throughout...yoga class, walking daily, lots of veggies, lean protein, and water. No caffeine and plenty of rest. Most days I really couldn't feel better!

Last night we went back to the Becoming Mom Spa to try again to see our baby's face. Last time she was sound asleep and totally curled up with all her limbs in front of her face and she didn't budge during the whole 30 minute session. This time I tried something new to get her moving...Dr. Pepper! I drank the whole soda with dinner just before our appointment hoping that she would be very active. Not so much! She was STILL in the same position and the caffeine had no effect on her, but it sure did on me since I haven't had it in so long!

We spent another 30 minutes looking at her as she occasionally would shift a leg or an arm just a bit, but not enough to uncover her whole face at once. We got a glimpse of her nose and eyes as she sucked on her wrist, then she'd move her hand up covering the upper part of her face and we could see her mouth still moving as she tried to find her arm again. It was so sweet!! My heart almost melted!! We got to admirer each little digit of one foot and her hands and we saw her tiny little knee bent up against her chest. It was incredible and I enjoyed every moment of it. Since this place has a guarantee that they can get a whole face shot they sent us home again with another appointment (free of charge) scheduled for next week.

As Ben and I walked to the car we felt like we were getting the best deal ever. We only paid for a 20-30 minute session last week, but since our little munchkin loves having her hands and feet in her face so much we have already had an hour of their time to just watch our baby on the big screen and we get another 30 minute session next Thursday! (This must be unusual otherwise I have no idea how this place makes any money!!) I know their objective is to photograph her face so they keep apologizing for making us come back, but to us, every inch of her body is beautiful so all these extra 3D/4D sessions are absolutely fine with us!! I'm just thinking, "Sure! I'll come back again and again to spend 30 minutes looking at my child!!" It's almost like my wish of turning my belly into a fish bowl, so I can watch her all the time until she's born, is almost coming true!! (For those of you wondering...YES!! THESE ULTRASOUNDS SESSIONS ARE COMPLETELY SAFE FOR THE BABY!!)

And finally, here's my most recent belly pic...

UPDATE: Doctor called and my GTT was normal!! Yay! I can still eat chocolate!!

I am the proud Mama of a Pretzel Baby!!

2010-05-10T10:09:00.000-04:00

For my first Mother's Day Ben's gift was to take me to Becoming Mom Spa to have a 30 minute 3D/4D session with out our little bun in the oven. (3D because the pictures are taken in 3D and 4D because we can view her movements live on the TV screen...That's for Sonja who asked and anyone else who was wondering.)

So we go there and of course we were both VERY excited to see what her face looks like. The tech put the wand on my belly and instead of seeing her face we saw everything but! Not only were her hands covering her face, but her FEET were too! She couldn't have done a better job hiding herself. The tech was even a little surprised by how curled up she was. We tried moving me from side to side and I even got up to dance around a bit to see if we could get her to move, but she was sound asleep and not budging.

It reminded me of how our dog Libby sleeps:

The good news is that everything looked perfectly healthy. Her heartbeat was 148, the fluid was in good supply, and all her limbs looked great...and long! We even got a few moments when a hand moved just slightly so we could see her mouth moving as it inhaled and exhaled amniotic fluid practicing for when she'll be breathing air. With her feet clear up to her forehead we got a excellent view of, well.... it's definitely a GIRL! There was no mistaking that!

Thankfully this Spa guarantees a full face shot so we were able to reschedule another 30 minute session free of charge. We go back this Thursday evening, and maybe then she'll be ready to show us her sweet little face!!

I know...I'm so impatient!! I just can't wait 'til August to get her first picture taken!! :)

What are these unstoppable tears all about?

2010-05-07T16:10:00.000-04:00

I took my dog, Bunny, to get spayed this morning.

She just turned 2 last month, so Ben and I finally made the decision that the right thing to do is have her spayed. It was really a topic we didn't want to address while we were in the depths of infertility and IVF. I guess we just assumed that if we couldn't ever have our own babies, some day we might breed her and keep one of her puppies. It wasn't a clear thought out plan but nonetheless it was on the back burner.

We've been through three heats with her, and let me tell you, it sucks for all of us when she has to wear doggie diapers for 2-3 weeks. With an approaching 4th heat we've decided that now that we have a baby due in just 3 months it's as good a time as any to get it taken care of. We definitely don’t need to worry about our newborn AND changing our dog’s diaper at the same time!

I drove her to the appointment this morning and felt this icky feeling in my stomach. I know that 99% of the time dogs make it through this procedure without a problem, but I couldn't help but thinking, "What if something horrible happens to her? What if they call me and tell me that she didn't tolerate the anesthesia?" I know...I was being totally paranoid and perhaps a little over dramatic. I just love her so much, so naturally I was worried.

They called and everything went perfectly. I could pick her up at 2 PM.

When I got there I paid the bill and they explained how to care for her over the next 14 days. Then they brought her out and put her in her pet taxi. I thanked them and got out the door with her as quickly (and carefully) as I could. We barely made it into my car before burst into sobbing tears. I cried and cried. She looked so small and miserable in her crate and I felt so overwhelmed with guilt and shame.

What the hell was going on? I was a puddle of tears as I drove down the road...yeah, really safe, I know! I just couldn't stop crying. As crazy as it sounds I felt (feel) so awful for taking her ability to have babies away from her. Damn! I just started crying again as I typed that! What is going on with me? I know dogs don't dream of the children (puppies) they'll have someday...at least I don't think they do. I'm pretty sure all my Bunny thinks about is her favorite ball and the park where I throw it for her. That and treats!

So why am I crying like an insane person? Pregnancy hormones? Yes, I'm sure they are adding a lot of unnecessary drama to this day. But I feel like there is something else...I guess I'm projecting my history of sadness about not being able to become pregnant on my dog. All those emotions have come roaring up from inside me and they make me feel guilty for taking my dog's fertility from her.

Call me crazy if you want. I know I sound like a loon.

Getting this out has already made me start to feel a little better. I know my dog will forgive me...in fact she will probably thank me for never having to diaper her again. She probably has no clue what even happened to her today.

This isn't really about her at all....it's about what Ben and I have lived through...INFERTILITY....you bitch! You move into our lives and you never really go away. You leave some of your stuff behind and clearly those things pop up at random times and places. We are definitely scared from our past. I suppose I have to accept that and try to move forward knowing that my heart will always ache (from personal experience) for those who have trouble or cannot pregnant. PEOPLE that is. I will try not to cry every time a dog gets spayed.

He’s my little sleepy angel:

Third Trimester!!

2010-05-06T10:59:00.001-04:00

How far along: 26 weeks, 1 day

Total Weight Gain: 17 lbs

Symptoms: Heartburn people! Every single night I wake up with the worst heartburn ever. I have a Costco size container of Tums on my bedside table. Those seem to do the trick. Also my hands have been swelling a lot too. Yesterday I was out walking with a friend and my hands started to feel like they weighed 10lbs each...I looked down and they looked like a pair of blown-up latex gloves...yikes! My wrists were swollen too so I started moving my wrists in circle and wiggling my fingers a lot and raised my hands up in the air. It was hot outside so I don't think that helped any. When I got back in the air-conditioning the swelling went down a lot. Weird! I had to remove my wedding rings cause I'm afraid that one of these days they're gonna get stuck for good. I feel naked without them...I've never taken my rings off (except for cleaning them and maybe a few times when I was out gardening) since we got engaged. Boo!

Sleep: I still sleep very well. Happy about this because the tiredness has started to set back in. From weeks 14 - 24 I had so much energy, but now I get tired very easily again ... a lot like I did in my first trimester.

Best Moment Last Week: Playing the "poke game" with my baby. We do this all the time now! I gently poke a spot on my belly a few times, and then place my palm over that spot and wait. Within a few moments my baby pokes back right in that very spot. Next I choose another place on my belly and repeat. She almost always pokes back. It's so amazing to be playing a game with an unborn fetus. I love her so much!!! It melts my heart!!

Movement: See above

Food Cravings: Max and Erma's Hula Bowl Salad! Yum!

What I Miss: My husband!! He's been away on business all week.

What am I looking forward to: This weekend! My first MOTHER'S DAY!! We have big plans too! We are going to the Becoming Mom Spa to do a 3D/4D session. I can't wait to see what our baby's face looks like! I hope they are able to get really good shots!!!!!

Milestones: Making it to my third trimester!! Yay!!

How is Daddy? He's looking forward to coming home to see me and to rub my belly. :)

Weekly Update

2010-04-30T08:56:00.000-04:00

How far along: 25 weeks, 2 days

Total Weight Gain: 15 lbs

Symptoms: Constant peeing!!

Sleep: Much better this week. Hopefully it keeps going this way.

Movement: Every day, but her kicks always seem to be be very low, like her feet are determined to stay right on top of my bladder. I thought that fetuses at this stage did more flipping about, but my baby girl seems happy to stay in the same position...give or take an inch...or so it seems from my end. I occasionally feel a tap around my belly button area, but I think those are her arms and head...who knows! I wish my belly were translucent like a fish bowl so I could watch her in there...I know, I'm a freak!

Food Cravings: Chipotle Steak Burritos...yum!

What I Miss: My memory! I seem to be so forgetful these days...like leaving my car doors open at night with the GPS inside and forgetting my yoga mat in the yoga studio, etc.... just simple things, but they keep adding up and it's bugging me!! I feel like such an airhead some days!

What am I looking forward to: Our next doctor's appointment!! (May 12th) I feel like each one resets my confidence and they always make me feel better. I'm just paranoid sometimes and even though I try to stop, it creeps up on me. Guess this is just the lineage that infertility leaves behind. Grr.

Milestones: Finishing my registry!! Seriously this may sound silly to some, but for me it was a real learning curve. I avoided all things baby when I couldn't get pregnant so now that this is real and actually happening for us I had to get out there and learn about all these things. I've called a lot of friends and researched a lot of products to determine which the best products are and what some of the things I really don’t need are. It feels good to finally be up to speed on baby gear so now when people say things like "travel system" I know what they're talking about!

How is Daddy? Great! He's going on a business trip next week, which I always hate, but at least this is his last one before Baby Morgan arrives!

Weekly Update

2010-04-22T11:53:00.000-04:00

How far along: 24 weeks, 1 day

Total Weight Gain: 14 lbs (wow...2 lbs in one week! I guess this is when the weight starts adding up fast!)

Symptoms: My boobs are starting to change...darker nipples with trace amounts of clear fluid. I guess my ta-tas are getting ready to make some milk. So weird and kind of exciting!!

Sleep: Not so good the last couple of nights. It's not so much that I'm uncomfortable it's just that I've been waking up so many times that the night doesn't feel restful. Rolling over in bed is getting tougher and I'm more aware of trying to stay off my back and on my left side. I guess I'd better get used to it...this is just nature's way of preparing me to never have a long night's sleep ever again...or a least for a VERY long time once Morgan arrives.

Best Moment Last Week: Meeting our Doula and deciding that she will be an invaluable part of my birthing team.

Movement: Not as much these days. I think baby had flipped and turned inward and has her feet burrowed down near my bladder and cervix so every time I stand up I feel like I have to pee even if I don't or I feel a sharp pain on my cervix. Also some of her kicks seem to be going inward toward my organs so they feel strange and not as intense since my placenta is on the back wall of my uterus. I liked it better when she had her limbs facing out and when she was upside down so I can feel and see her leg kicks more. Oh well...as long as she's comfy, I'm happy.

Food Cravings: Frozen Snickers Bars...bad I know, but SO good!!!!

What I Miss: Nothing this week.

What am I looking forward to: Getting everything figured out on my registry...its a work in progress right now while I research products and ask experienced moms about there recommendations.

Milestones: Making it to viability (Fetus has a 50% of surviving outside the womb and odds just continue to increase from here.)

How is Daddy? Wonderful. We are so in love as we await the arrival of our miracle baby. This feels like a honeymoon of sorts. It's just so nice to have the weight of the infertility struggle lifted off us. We can make love again and not think about trying to conceive. We laugh easier and feel lighter in general. In a way we feel like the war is over and it’s a time of happiness and celebration!!!

Natural Childbirth and hiring a DOULA!

2010-04-19T12:31:00.000-04:00

Having a natural, un-medicated, childbirth is very important to me. I really believe I can do it and I think it's what will be best for me and my baby. (I am by no means condemning pain drugs or obstetrical tools because I believe that they can be beneficial and necessary in certain times and places.) But for me, if there are no complications, I think that laboring and delivering naturally is what is best. I will be able to feel what is going on therefore I will be able to follow my own instincts and rhythm. Women have done this since the beginning of time so I have faith that I will be able to do it too.

No, I am not a hippy. I paint my nails pink, shave my armpits and wear pearls. I use Clorox cleaning products in my kitchen, and I don't even like granola. So that’s not what this is about. It's just what I believe is best for me and our baby. I am somewhat of a control freak so the idea of being hooked up to an epidural (in my SPINE) which would prohibit me from moving out of bed, and necessitate being catheterized to drain my urine is enough motivation (I hope) for me to endure the pain so I can hold on to my freedom through out my labor.

Yes, I know it is going to hurt worse than I could ever imagine, but I am choosing not to be afraid of the pain. Instead I look at is like this: What won't kill me will make me stronger. I can endure anything for one day. Millions and millions of women have experienced natural labor and lived to talk about it, so I believe the same can be true for me.

Why do I want to do this? Why would I choose to be in immense pain? There are a lot of reasons….too many to list, but mostly it's just what my gut tells me. Ben and I had such a hard time conceiving as we had to use so many interventions to get here. A doctor literally selected which sperm would unite with which egg and physically injected that sperm into my egg. If I think about it too much it makes my head spin. By choosing a natural birth we feel that were are taking some of our power back from medical technology. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for the interventions available and that we were able to afford it, and even more so that it worked for us. But at the time we had to succumb all our trust and faith over to a doctor and his medical process. Now I'm ready to take some of that back. I want to do this on my own without the help of doctors, technology and medicine. I want to feel human again and what is more human than giving birth naturally?

I have known this about myself from the beginning of my pregnancy. I selected my doctor because of his reputation for supporting women in their desire to give birth naturally. At our last appointment we were discussing my birth plan and he suggested that maybe a doula would be something we would find helpful. We met with one our doctor recommended this past weekend and I liked her very much. For those who don't know what a doula does here is a snipped from her resume that explains a little:

"I have been in practice for 26 years, and trained through ALACE (Association of labor Assistants and Childbirth Educators). I am very committed to helping women achieve a positive, informed, and powerful birth experience. My personal philosophy about birthing is that every woman is unique, and each of her birth experiences will also be unique. Some women need and desire lots of physical support during labor (back massage, compresses, help with positions, etc); other women need more emotional support; and others need only a "guide" along the way. Most moms need a bit of each! I feel that I am very flexible and realistic and will attempt to help each mom get to where she needs to be in order to achieve a wonderful birthing experience. I believe that a doula's role is to educate and support the mother in achieving the kind of birth she wants. I also strongly encourage the father to become as involved as he is able and willing, and am happy to guide them through this process."

After our doctor's appointment, I was on the fence about hiring a doula. I just wasn’t sure… It was Ben who really encouraged that we meet with her to see about what she can offer us. Ben wants to be as supportive as he can possibly be during my labor, but knows that he doesn't have all the tools and experience that a doula could bring us. He believes that it will be a better experience for both of us if we have someone who is devoted entirely to helping me through each phase of labor and delivery.

Can I really do it…natural childbirth? This is where a doula comes in. I believe with the help and support of my husband AND our doula that I will be able to reach my goal. I know there are going to be moments during my labor where I will wonder what the hell I was thinking, but I'm hoping that her support and experience will pull me through. That she can show me a position that will help with the pain or massage my back, encourage me to walk, or get in a warm shower when I feel like giving up.

The best part of her service is that she comes to our house as soon as I feel that labor is starting. This way I can labor at home through the early stages instead of going to the hospital too early. I know Ben and I are going to feel scared and anxious and having someone with us who has over 25 years of experience watching women labor will be very comforting. We will be able to trust her to tell us when the right time to head to the hospital will be. Ideally I would like to get there once I’m in active labor (4-8 cm dilated) so that I won’t have too many hours left before its time to push. I know for many first time moms early labor (going from 0-4 cm) can take many hours and I would rather be at home in my own bed, shower, floor, couch etc instead of pacing the white halls of a hospital.

Our doula is planning on visiting us at home for two prenatal visits prior to 37 weeks so that we can get to know each other and share any thoughts, anxieties or concerns that they may arise. In a way it feels like we are hiring a personal nurse to be 100% focused on me and my needs during L&D. I know the hospital assigns a nurse to each laboring woman but their main concern in monitoring the baby….which is GREAT, but I’ll be glad to have someone else whose main concern in MY wellbeing. I feel really good about our decision to hire this doula.

I know that certain things can and may happen that could keep me from achieving a natural childbirth. For example maybe our baby goes into distress because of the cord being compressed and she stops receiving an adequate amount of oxygen or maybe she is in the breeched position in which case I will need a cesarean. I recognize that these situations and others like them may happen, but they are very rare, so I’m choosing to plan for a “textbook” delivery all the while making sure I’m educated on all the possible scenarios. I am not going to say that I think drugs are bad, because it might happen that I need them or change my mind and decide to ask for them. I am trying to keep an open mind and be as well informed and prepared as possible. I am going with my gut now and it says, “Natural birth is best for me.” I hope that I can continue to follow my instincts all the way through my labor and up to moment of my baby’s delivery. I truly believe that having the support of a doula will help me achieve this.

Doctor's Appointment & Quiz

2010-04-15T17:02:00.000-04:00

We had our monthly appt with the doc today. Everything checked out great! Baby's HB was 170 and she was all kicks and jumps during the appointment. I love the swooshing sounds that makes on the doppler. I am so in love with her already!! Here's a picture from today...

Weekly quiz...

How far along: 23 weeks, 1 day

Total Weight Gain: 12 lbs

Symptoms: A little heartburn recently...nothing a couple Tums can't fix. Other than that I feel fantastic!

Stretch Marks: Yeah I got some small ones...I'm not going to answer this question anymore. Stretch marks are inevitable and I'm not going to bring myself down every week thinking about them. It's a very small price to pay be able to experience pregnancy. Something I prayed and prayed to experience, so f*ck the stretch marks!! It's not like I was planning on wearing a bikini ever again anyway!! Haha

Sleep: I sleep very well! Lots of crazy dreams though....

Best Moment Last Week: Ben finally got to feel the baby kick. Her head was down so her legs were pointing up and she was kicking just above my belly button. He put his hand on my belly and right then and she kicked harder than ever before twice directly under his palm. Both times Ben short of jumped with surprise, wide-eyed and yelled, "Wow!" "Wow!" It was so awesome...like Baby Morgan knew it was her daddy and wanted to make sure he could feel her in there.

Movement: Every day...all the time. I love it!!!

Food Cravings: Fresh T O M A T O E S !!! Seriously I have been on a 'mater rampage. I've made caprese salads, bruschetta, BLT (heavy on the T) sandwiches, tomato and basil on toast...you name it! I've liked tomatoes in the past but recently they have been the best things on earth. Yum!

What I Miss: Being able to shave my lady business...I can't see over my belly anymore and I hate pubic hair. I mean I REALLY hate it!! I have always shaved (yeah...ALL of it) regularly so this is a new obstacle for me. I am considering getting a Brazilian wax...but I'm a little afraid. A) I know it hurts, but just how much?? And B) Pregnant lady getting a Brazilian? I'm afraid of the waxer person thinking I'm crazy or worse yet that I'm an over weight, pregnant stripper-hoe or something...what should I do???? Please help! Anyone who has experience in the field please fill me in!!

What am I looking forward to: Figuring out how to solve the problem listed above...

Milestones: Seeing baby kick on the outside for the first time this week and Ben being able to feel her move too!

How is Daddy? The best daddy ever!! He left work and drove all the way across town to meet me at the doctor's. Today was the shortest of appointments...a short weight in, blood pressure check, a quick listen to baby's HB, then pee in a cup and out the door. Super quick, but Ben wanted to be there with me and the baby. He is so supportive and interested and it makes me feel so loved. Today we are celebrating 5 years together and I still get those butterflies when I think about how much I love him. I am such a lucky Momma!!

Thanks!

2010-04-13T09:59:00.000-04:00

Thanks everyone for your comments yesterday. I wrote the previous post because the news at the baby shower rocked me to my infertile core. The experience brought back all the horrid feelings of when I had to be around others who were pregnant when we were struggling after a failed IVF. I just hated to be the catalist of the akwardness and somehow that made me take on some of her pain. I guess old habbits (and mind sets) die hard!! I know there was no way for me to know and my other friends have all said they are SO sorry for not giving me the heads up. It's just a heart breaking senario that I've read about but to be there and be the one who brought it up was a doozy! Thanks again for all your loving and supportive comments. I love this community!!

I feel so terrible!!

2010-04-12T11:13:00.001-04:00

I went to a sweet baby shower on Saturday for a friend of mine who is also having a little girl. The weather was gorgeous and it just seems like the perfect day for such an event. When I walked in I was greeted by the three hosts who are all good friends to the mother-to-be. I gave everyone a hug and was really glad to be there with such a nice group of ladies. As I walked in the kitchen the host, whose house it was, offered me a "non-alcoholic" beverage since everyone else was drinking a champagne punch. I smiled and accepted. Last time I saw her, two months ago, she had just announced that she was 10 weeks pregnant. I loved hearing the news as I was only 4 weeks ahead of her so I instantly envisioned all the fun play groups we would have with all these pregnant girls expecting around the same time! As she handed me a glass of sparkling juice I happily asked her if she had found out if she was having a boy or a girl yet. Her face went straight and she said, "I just lost the baby last week." Her pain stung through my core and I felt SO stupid for asking her that question...especially in front of 3 or 4 other women. Of course I said I was so, so sorry. The mood totally changed int he room. I felt sick as she awkwardly changed the subject. She was very gracious and moved through the party as if nothing bad had happened recently and that someone (ME) hadn't brought that pain right to the surface with her question. She was amazing.

I enjoyed watching the big bellied momma open her gifts and smile at all her friends for being there celebrating this with her, but in the back of my mind I couldn’t fully focus. I kept thinking about what it must have been like for the host. How the hell could she still hold her head high at a baby shower at HER house after loosing her own baby only a short week before at 18 weeks along? Talk about a nightmare!!

I wanted to go hug her and tell her that her news made me hold back tears. I didn't know what to do. I left the party feeling like a complete ass for bringing it up. How was I supposed to know....She still looked pregnant because it had JUST happened!! I feel terrible for her and all the women who have lived through this. It is just heartbreaking!!

Quiz and a belly pic...

2010-04-05T11:08:00.000-04:00

How far along: 21 weeks, 6 days
Total Weight Gain: 10.5 lbs
Symptoms: I feel fantastic all the time. I LOVE being pregnant. Even on days that I feel a little off, I just can't bring myself to complain...I have everything I have wished so hard for!!
Stretch Marks: A few...figure they are inevitable. I still use my Palmer's lotion every day just in case it might help.
Sleep: I sleep really well. Have to get up to pee once or twice a night, but I've gotten used to it.
Best Moment Last Week: Feeling her kick on the outside for the first time!
Movement: All the time!! She kicks harder and harder each day. Her Kung Foo moves even woke me up the other night. I LOVE the constant confirmation that she is doing well. And it melts my heart every time I feel her move. I am so in love!!!
Food Cravings: Chocolate milk and deviled eggs....don't ask.
What I Miss: Nothing...except a cold beer here and there now that the weather is warm and wonderful. :)
What am I looking forward to: Going to Becoming Mom Spa...a place here in Cincinnati that does the whole 3D/4D experience. I am not scheduled to get another u/s from my doc until 34 weeks....yeah, like I can wait that long!! Plus we are eager to see what her face looks like!! I think we will go in the next month or so.
Milestones: Getting her nursery completed!
How is Daddy? Anxious to feel her kick. We keep trying but she always seems to stop her acrobatics as soon as his hand is on my belly. Maybe he'll be really good at soothing her to sleep when she comes out cause he seems to be doing that really well now. :)

Here are a couple photos from our weekend. We took our Jack Russell, Bunny, to the dog park to play some fetch since the weather was perfect...I LOVE spring!!

The NURSERY PHOTOS and her NAME!!

2010-04-01T16:26:00.000-04:00

This nursery has been my pride and joy for the last couple weeks as we await the birth of our true pride and joy, MORGAN! I themed her nursery with flowers since they are some of my favorite things on Earth. What's prettier than a flower... or a baby girl??

The arm chair is a glider....and so comfy especially since I put the faux bear skin pelt on it!! I'm sure we'll use the fluffy pelt on the floor once Morgan is ready to sit up by herself. It's so fun to picture these things!

For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while....you might remember the dish of marble eggs in this photo? They we my lucky eggs I bought while I was going through IVF #2...they must be really lucky cause they worked and we're pregnant!! I figured they have to live in the babies room! I also especially like the all the curtains I cinched with an orchid flower. (yeah it's not a real flower)

My dad made this corner cabinet years ago, and it was in the house I grew up in. I recently painted it so it would match the new baby furniture...it came out perfectly! I can't wait to tell our baby girl that her grandfather made this piece of furniture!

We have a baby gate up already to train our dogs so that they know they are not allowed in this room. Sorry puppies..baby only! Fortunately its one of those gates that swings open and shut easily so its no trouble for humans to come in and out of the room...especially when we'll be carrying our little Morgan!

This is a view of the Ohio River just east of downtown Cincinnati from my glider...I love this view and I know I will look at it a lot when I sit there to nurse her.

The chair with the bunny on it was given to me when I was 5 years old and it was in the room I grew up in...it feels so special to be able to use it in my daughter's room after all these years!!

See the doggies at that gate? It works! :)

I'm waiting for her first baby picture for the frame on the left. The one with the pregnant bean is a card my mother sent me when we first learned we were pregnant. I have always been called "Bean" by my parents so the card was very fitting and extremely special since my mom had been saving it for 5 years hoping that some day she would be able to surprise me with it!! It says, "Bean Expecting?"

I glued rhinestones in the center of these flowers to make them more sparkly...pictures just don't show how glittery and pretty they make the room look!

I glued the rhinestones on all of the frames too...and I did the flower collages in the frames! I had so much fun creating all of these. I'm really looking forward to the day when Morgan and I can go through all the pictures on the wall and name each kind of flower together....daffodil, lily, orchid, hydrangia, rose, etc..

I decorated this lampshade myself...it's a one of a kind!! And that's a framed picture of our first ultrasound at 7 weeks....can't believe it's been 15 weeks since then!!! Only 18 more to go til baby girl gets here!!!!

Sorry I posted SO many pictures...I guess it just shows how much I love her baby room!! It think it looks so pretty in person...its so hard to capture a room in photos...that's why I posted so many pictures! :)

I know that when she's born some of the flowers and breakables on the surfaces will be replaced with more useful things like wipe warmers and stacks of diapers, etc, etc. I also know that her room wont always look so perfect, but for now I'm enjoying it all set up. The things that get put up when she's a toddler can come back out again when she's a little girl...it's all part of the fun!!

Thanks for looking at these photos and sharing in my excitement!!

The COLD that won't quit!

2010-03-31T09:59:00.000-04:00

I started coming down with this cold last Saturday (5 days ago). You know how that feels...the rawness in the back of your throat and nose that Tylenol does nothing to help. Rawness accompanied by achy, sneezing and headache...we've all had it. The stupid common cold. Usually, in my experience, these really uncomfortable symptoms last about a day or two then the congestion sets in and though you sound worse, you feel a lot better.

This time? Not the case! I'm thinking it must have something to do with being pregnant. I have had these awful raw symptoms for 5 days now. Where’s the snot?? The snot that soothes this terrible rawness that makes food taste horrible and even water feels gross going down. I would rather be so stuffy that I can't taste a thing than feel like this!!!

Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer, but spring has Sprung and it's so nice outside, but I hardly feel like leaving my house. I guess all my body's nutrients and immunity are focused on growing a healthy baby, so that's why this cold is taking so much longer to kick. Ugh...any day now would be great!!

Nursery update: Even though I've felt like crap, I've been slowly getting things together in there. Little bits at a time then I go lay down. It's so much fun that I can't help myself even though I feel like shit. Pictures are coming soon!!

Happy Spring!!

I'm totally obsessed!!!

2010-03-23T14:29:00.000-04:00

I'm totally obsessed with my baby girl and everything about her...nursery, clothing, bedding, gear and on and on and on!!!

I never imagined I would get so into decorating and all-things-baby, but it's all I think about and it's the most fun I've ever had. I guess I didn't realize how much I wanted a girl!!! What a blessing!

We picked out our nursery furniture set on Saturday and have to wait 7-10 days for it to be delivered!! Ugh...I am so excited to see the pieces in her room! We also bought her crib bedding set which is also taking forever to ship!! I know how impatient I sound and that must seem silly since we still have 19 weeks before she is suppose to arrive, but I am just so eager to get her room all set up so I can just sit there and admirer it. I told you I'm completely obsessed. I suppose it has a lot to do with the fact that it took us SO LONG to get here. All that time wanting to get to this point and never being sure if it would actually happen. Well, it is happening, so I am livin' it up as best I can!!!

(Of course I'll post pictures of the finished nursery when every eventually arrives!)

In the mean time I've been filling up my baby obsession with clothes shopping. I'm not buying that much, but I certainly am looking at every baby girl outfit in sight and buying the ones I can't resist!! I was at the mall yesterday looking in every baby store trying to keep my eye out for a very special dress. I wanted to find a tiny dress that was really well made and timeless. Something I can give to my daughter in years to come and tell her it was the first dress I ever bought for her. I went in the store, Janie and Jack, and found EXACTLY what I was looking for!! Blue velvet dress and bloomers, with embroidered pink roses in size 3-6 months. I figure she'll be wearing it this Thanksgiving! (I promise that this dress is MUCH prettier in person...photos just don't do it justice!)

I have looked at it about a thousand times since I brought it home. I just imagine it filled with our darling new baby and it blows my mind. I can hardly believe that we'll have our first child this summer. And that she'll be wearing this dress at Thanksgiving. Last year at Thanksgiving we were in our 2 week wait after IVF #2 and I hoped against all hope that this would be our future and now here we are living that dream....Amazing!!!

It's a..............

2010-03-19T18:19:00.000-04:00

GIRL!!!

TEAM PINK!!!!!!!! :)

I'll update more later since Ben and I are going out to celebrate now, but I wanted to let all you wonderful bloggy friends know our exciting news asap. She is very healthy and everything looks perfect!! I have never been happier!!!! Time to SHOP for girlie nursery stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow's the BIG day!!

2010-03-18T12:49:00.000-04:00

We have our 20 week anatomy scan tomorrow afternoon. Since the ultrasound is so long surely the technician will be able to finally determine the gender for us. I am so excited that I can hardly wait!! Boy? Girl? Hopefully tomorrow we won't have to wonder anymore!! And then I can SHOP!!!

We have started the basic plans for our nursery, but have wanted to know our baby's sex before buying anything...I can't wait to get the answer so I can start decorating!! :)

I had a dream last night that I was at the ultrasound and when the doctor put the wand on my belly we saw our baby's sweet little face and it was bobbing its head and mouthing words just like it was singing a song. Then he went to see if it was a girl or boy and I woke up....OH NO!!!! I wanted to know what it was!! Still it made me laugh that I dreamed that my baby was rockin out in utero!!

We're just praying for our baby to be healthy.

Only 27 more hours til it's baby viewing time!!!! YES!!

Belly Pic and the Aquarium

2010-03-10T17:14:00.000-05:00

Today I went to the Newport Aquarium with my cousin and her 18 month old son. We had a blast looking at all the fishys! I was amazed by how different these "family" outings are for me now that I'm pregnant. I used to cringe at the thought of being surrounded by babies, toddlers, pregnant women and strollers all day, but now I felt right at home and saw it as a chance to observe how my life will be once our baby is born this summer. Holy crap I have a lot to learn!! For instance, my cousin just instinctively knew where all the elevators and ramps were...she said these are the types of things that you automatically learn as a new mom when you have a stroller every place you go. I can't wait to start this new adventure....still counting my lucky stars each day that I've been given the chance to experience the joy of becoming a Momma!!

After I got home and sat down to relax after being on my feet all day, my baby started fluttering away!!! Ahh....what a wonderful feeling!!! Best pregnant day yet!!

Quiz

2010-03-08T10:48:00.000-05:00

How far along: 18th Week

Total Weight Gain: 9 lbs

Symptoms: I can't be on my feet for as long as I used to be able to. I hosted a dinner party over the weekend and by the end of the night I was exhausted. It was a fun evening so it was worth it. Other than that I have felt really like myself. I don't have any complaints. I really love being pregnant!

Maternity Clothes: For sure!! Tried a shirt the other day that I used to wear and it stopped above my waist...yikes!

Stretch Marks: Sadly, yes...but it's very light and I'm using Palmer's cocoa butter everyday. I figure they are inevitable since my mom and sister both got them, but I'm doing my best to minimize their appearance by using the lotion.

Sleep: Better now that we moved our little doggie back into her crate at night. She has been very spoiled and has slept with us for over a year, but now I just can't take it. Since it's harder for me to get comfortable now, her movement is the bed was causing me to wake a lot in the night and I would push her off the bed. Sometimes that would wake Ben up too and we'd all three be awake...ugh. Now that we each have our own designated spot I think we are all sleeping better.

Best Moment Last Week: Walking the dogs with Ben and having it hit us all over again that I am REALLY pregnant and that we are REALLY expecting the baby we've dreamed about for so long!! It's so amazing to us!

Movement: Still very light flutters. I don't know if they've gotten lighter or I've gotten used to them, but sometimes I wonder if what I'm feeling is really the baby or just my digestion. I am getting very eager to feel stronger kicks so I am sure about what I'm feeling!! I know it should start happening soon so I'm trying not to be too impatient...it's tough though when everyone I know said they were feeling really unmistable kicks at this point!! Com'on Baby...Kick the Momma!!!

Food Cravings: I craved fried chicken last week which was strange since I used to find greasy fried chicken disgusting! Also I craved a milkshake last night and I found that odd too. I have never really cared for milkshakes. I have been doing my best to not indugle in every horrible craving I have and just stick to healthy, balanced meals. I also eat a Red Delicious Apple every night before bed....that's been my favorite snack of all!!

What I Miss: Wine with dinner...

What am I looking forward to: Baby KICKS!!!

Milestones: hmmm...my stretch mark?...lol. Nothing really baby related since the last quiz since I still don't know the sex, and the kicks haven't really changed.

How is Daddy? Wonderful! I know he's really looking forward to the baby's anatomy scan on March 19th. We both can't wait to learn the gender of our little Pea!!

Things that make you go, "Hmmm??"

2010-03-03T18:06:00.001-05:00

I got a call this morning from a woman named Colleen. She informed me that she is a Registered Nurse from Humana's Health and Wellness department. She continued on to tell me that because we have such a great insurance plan through my husband's employer that I can call her any time during my pregnancy if I ever have questions or concerns. She told me about their services and some of the informational packets and DVDs they are putting in the mail to me. All the while she held a tone of voice that tried to express sincere concern and interest in my wellbeing. As pleasant as she was, I could tell that she was reading from a script. I was also a bit skeptical about why my insurance company would be going out of there way to help me out...doesn’t that just cost them more money? I thought that insurance companies always tried to get away with paying as little as possible ... I mean com'on their bottom line is all about profit, right? Sick! Anyways, back to the mysterious phone call....

She proceeded to ask me some questions:

What kind of activities are you doing to help maintain fitness during your pregnancy?
I walk my dogs several times a day and do prenatal yoga twice a week.

What kind of food are you eating these days?
Lots of fruit, veggies, lean meat, milk, and tons of fluids, etc, etc...I'm doing my best to eat healthy.

Are you exposed to cigarette smoke or any other environmental factors that concern you?
No.

Ok, so these questions seem pretty normal for the general population. They are just making sure that I know how to live a healthy pregnancy...i.e. not eating McDonalds for every meal and sitting on my ass 24 hours a day while smoking like a chimney. I get it; some people really don’t know these things are really bad for a developing fetus...and YOU for that matter. (And that’s a whole other issue for another day….)

She continued with the questions...

An average, how many alcoholic drinks do think you consumer each day?
Now? Ummm....ZERO!

Has anyone ever told you that they are concerned about your drinking habits?
No.

Are you using illicit drugs or are use exposed to drug use?
Hell No!

This is when I started realizing the purpose of this call....they are trying to help lower their liability by educating their insured moms-to-be. They act like they care about us and our babies, but really they just don't want to have to pay for the aftermath of fetal alcohol syndrome, premature birth, low birth weight or a whole host of other potential tragedies.

Then the final questions came that ultimately sparked my reason for writing this post.

Do you ever feel depressed?
No, I feel great. I've never been happier!!

Do you ever have the urge to harm yourself?
Ahh...NO.

Have you have been treated for depression?
No

Do you feel anxiety or fear about the fact that you are pregnant?
Look lady, I went through almost 3 years of trying to get pregnant and my husband and I eventually did In Vitro twice to achieve this pregnancy...I can assure you that this baby is very much wanted and I am as far from depressed as I've ever been in my life! I am HAPPY and healthy!!

She was sweet and said, "I'm glad to hear that." She then explained that some women are prone to psychological disorders in pregnancy due to an increase in hormones and that's why she was asking me those questions. I thanked her for the "concerned" call and we hung up, but not before she let me know that they will be checking in on me about every 4 weeks through the rest of my pregnancy...oh joy!

Later when I was out (being healthy) walking my dogs I was thinking about this call, and the whole concept started to irk me. Where were these "concerned" phone calls from my so called "caring" insurance company (who denied a huge majority of our infertility claims) while we were undergoing multiple IVF attempts? Where were they when our first IVF failed and we were left with an empty bank account, no frozen embryos and shattered hearts? If they had given a shit and called, the mental health questions might have gone more like this...

Do you ever feel depressed?
Every horrible second of every miserable day. I cry constantly.

Do you ever have the urge to hurt yourself?
I feel so hopeless and defeated that I've thought about slitting my wrists a time or two... (Not really for real, but I'm making a dramatic point here.)

Have you ever been treated for depression?
Not yet, but I am considering discussing an antidepressant with a doctor because I feel like I live under a dark, dark cloud all the time and its very hard to find any joy in my life.

Do you feel anxiety or fear about the fact that you're NOT pregnant?
Yes. I am terrified that I might never become a mother, that we will never hold our baby in our arms. I feel anxiety about this every day and it keeps me up at night. I don’t function like a normal person…I can't look at babies or pregnant bellies and I am becoming more and more withdrawn. Basically I’m all fucked up these days!!

See!!! When these would have been my answers I got NOTHIN' from this big, RICH company. They were no where to be seen when we needed their "Health and Wellness" support the most. And they think they can fool me into believing that NOW they care about me just because I'm pregnant. Please!! What a lame joke!!

** I am very grateful for my medical coverage because I know there are a lot of people who don't have any coverage at all. I just think is way fucked up that most insurance companies and healthcare plans turn their heads the other way when couples are dealing with a DISABILITY called infertility, but you can bet your ass they cover every other disability in the book. It just infuriates me that they treat having a family as 'elective' like having 'plastic surgery.' Insurance companies just have to make their profit, profit, profit!!! Ugh!!

Ok...my nasty rant is over with...I really am the happiest I've ever been in my life, I just had to get that off my chest! Back to smiles....

OMG!! WTF??

2010-03-02T16:53:00.000-05:00

Has anyone seen the show Platinum Babies?

I just stumbled upon it this afternoon on the WE channel and no matter how much it shocked me I couldn't stop watching. Part of its ok...cute nursery ideas, shower game ideas, etc., but the rest of it is completely unnecessary!!

This one couple had a baby shower that cost them.... $75,000.00 .... I threw up a little bit in my mouth when I saw it!! Then these moms-to-be were given gifts like Gucci baby shoes ($250.00) and designer diaper bags ($2200.00) Seriously?? Do you think their babies really know the difference....NO!! Let's get real people!! Total NON-SENSE I tell ya!!!

Of course all these bitches got pregnant really easily too....I guess some people just have it all. GRRR!!!

I realize I sound like a big bitch right now....I'll blame it on my hormones!! LOL

Fetal Doppler

2010-02-26T15:30:00.000-05:00

BEST PURCHASE EVER!!!!

It works beautifully, and it's the greatest feeling to be able to lay in bed, put the doppler on my belly and listen to my baby's heart beating away. What a relief to have this tool at home!!! I think this could be the end of my paranoia. Hurray!! (I'm sure my doctor will be please about this too...hopefully no more "freak out" appointments!!)

Baby's heart rate was 166 bpm this afternoon same as it was on Wednesday at my appointment with Dr. F. I could listen to this sound ALL day ... it's my new favorite song!!!

"Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop".... I'm so addicted!!!!!!!

If you are considering getting a doppler....DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!

I panicked and called my OB!

2010-02-24T13:42:00.000-05:00

I was feeling so confident and happy after my 14 week appointment, then as time ticked by anxiety set in. I haven't felt a single flutter in many days...I know this is normal, but it still makes me worry. I have also lost 5 pounds which seems really odd now that I'm this far along. To top off my freakout I had a horrible nightmare that my baby died. Yesterday I reached my breaking point and decided to call my OB with a little nudge from a friend of mine. She helped me realize that that's what my doctor is for and he shouldn't have a problem with helping to calm my nerves. I also feel like being anxious is the wrong environment for a growing baby so I made the call!

I AM SO GLAD I DID!! The receptionist was extremely understanding and offered to have my doctor call me as soon as he could. He did just a hour or so later...from his cell phone...and was so welcoming and sensitive. He said, "Ohh...I don't want you upset!! Why don't you come in tomorrow morning and we'll take a little look! Okay?" I was so happy to have his support and not feel blown off the way I have so many times in the past by my RE.

So this morning I showed up 15 minutes early and expected a long wait since I didn't have an appointment and was being "sqeezed" in. They called me back in less than 5 minutes. I was so surprised!! Then the nurse who took me back to the room was so friendly and compassionate. She told me how she felt the same way with her first baby and that I shouldn't feel foolish at all for coming in for a "mind calming" visit. Then she told me that the doc was going to do an ultrasound so I could see the baby with my own eyes! I was stunned! I was sure he would only use a doppler for a few seconds just to prove to me that there was still a heartbeat and then send me on my way. Nope, he was going all out for this paranoid mama!!! How nice is that!?!?!?!

He instantly located the heartbeat and I literally felt a huge weight lifted off my worried mind as I took a big sigh of relief. I'm not sure how I got so worked up with worry that there was something wrong with my baby, but seeing that little heart pump was the best feeling EVER. Since I start week 17 tomorrow he told me that he would be able to tell me the gender for sure by now. Since Ben wasn't with me I told him that I wanted to know, but not until my husband could find out at the same time. Dr. F suggested that since he was recording the sonogram on DVD (yes, he doubled checked that this time it was actually working) that he write "boy" or "girl" on the screen while I look away and then Ben and I could watch the DVD together later. I loved the idea and told him to go for it! It turns out that the umbilical cord was running right between Baby's legs, so once again he couldn't determine the sex no matter how hard he tried. This baby really doesn't want us to know it's secret!! Ha!! Oh well...we have our anatomy scan in 3.5 weeks so hopefully then we will finally learn if we are having a son or a daughter. Dr. F did get a shot of my baby sucking its thumb though! This picture totally melts my heart!!!

Boy or girl...it doesn't matter! Our baby is healthy and that is all we want!! He told me that the HB was 166bpm and that Baby was meauring 4.5 inches from head to it's little bottom (that doesn't count the legs.) So we have a perfectly healthy babe. My doc used these exact words, "Everything looks awesome!" Ahhh....sweet relief!!

I also ordered a fetal doppler yesterday from Ama.zon. I figured that if I could listen to the HB at home whenever I want then I will probably not freak out as easily anymore. Based on the reviews the doppler got, it seems like it will work great. I'll update when it arrives!

Ps. I nominated some of my bloggy friends for an award yesterday (I wish I could have nominated so many more of you wonderful ladies) so if you missed that post please be sure to go check it out!! Love you guys!! XOX

All of YOU Make My Day!!!

2010-02-23T18:15:00.000-05:00

My blog was awarded as one that makes someone's day!!! Thank you Wifey for this very sweet blogger award!! It truly made my day!! Wifey is a fantastic blogger who is finally expecting her first miracle baby after 2+ years of TTC...stop by and congratulate her if you have a few moments.

10 things that make my day (in no particular order):

1. Personal mail! It's the best feeling ever to open my mailbox and have a card or letter that someone handwrote ME! It's so special to get "real mail" anymore. I try to send notes here and there to make others' days too. I need to get better at it!!

2. Email, Facebook, Instant Messages and Phone calls! Even though I get a lot more of these than snail-mail it still makes my day. When my blackberry makes its alert sounds I still get a littel jolt of excitement. I love hearing from my friends!

3. A Sunny Day! There is nothing like a perfect weather...no matter the season. A hot day in summer by the pool, a spring day with the birds chearping and the flowers blooming, a sunny winter day with snow gleaming, or a bright fall day with rustly leaves. All four seasons can make my day!

4. Nice people! Making eye contact and getting a smile, a door held for you, or having someone say, "after you" all make my day. It just nice to be reminded that some people out there are aware of others and go out of their ways to be polite and pleasant. I always try to remember to do the same even if I am having a bad day...no reason to bring others down with me by being gloomy.

5. A closet full of clean clothes! There's nothing like the day after laundry day when every piece of clothing you own is clean, hung up and ready to go. You can wear whatever you want!

6. Reading that someone in blogger-IF world got a BFP!!!! We are all hoping for miracles, so I'm always thrilled when they actually happen for one of us!!

7. No lines at the grocery store!! Isn't it great when you can cruise your cart right in the lane and start unloading immediately?!? It doesn't always happen, but when it does I feel special and it makes my day!!

8. Every night when my husband gets home from work!! After 5 years together I STILL get excited to see him each and every evening. I love watching our dogs greet him too. They have no problem showing their excitement....like they haven't seen him in weeks. It's a wonderful daily reminder of all the love we have in our home.

9. Going out to dinner! I like to cook so my husband and I usually stay in, but when we go out it makes my day to still have a clean kitchen with no dishes when we get home!!

10. Getting comments from my bloggy friends. It is the best feeling ever to know that there are people out there who are reading my blog and writing breif comments to lend support or show interest in me. Thank you!!

I nominate the following bloggers (in no particular order) who all make my day on a regular basis. Thank you ladies...you have no idea how much your words mean to me!!!! (Sorry I can't nominate ALL the blogs I read.)

1. Tracey at Creating Baby Johnson is in her 13th week of pregnancy after toughing it through 5 IVF cycles. She is the strongest chick I know!! I couldn't be happier for her!!

2. Sonja On (In)Fertile Ground is about to start her 18th week with her quadruplet pregnancy. She and her 4 babies are living proof that embryos don't have to be perfect quality for a miracle (or 4 in her case) to happen. All are healthy and happy and I pray that they stay that way through the rest of her pregnancy and beyond.

3. Below Average Athlete Just got her first BFP after a FET!!! I am THRILLED for this West Coast Mama!!!

4. Emily at A hope and a wish for a gift from a petri dish is in her 8th week and pregnant with twins after a FET. She is feeling morning sickness in full force and facing a move this weekend! I'm rooting for ya Emily!!

5. Jem at Ambivalent Womb has been through a lot of loss these days. I have shed tears with her and I pray that the sun will shine for her soon!

6. One Who Understands is just starting her first IVF-ICSI cycle and I am really cheering for her!! Come on BFP!!

7. Babygaga is only two days ahead of me with her pregnancy. She is now starting her 17th week. It's been fun to follow her!

8. Brooke at Scifibaby just got at BFP after a FET. She has had so much faith and patience as I've been following her. She is really inspiring!

9. Rachel at Our Journey, But Not Our Plan has been through the ringer with TTC. She is now exploring adoption. Her strength is remarkable!

10. Lin at Our Someday Family is proof that miracle babies are possible. She got her BFP just days before starting IVF #1 for MFI. It's been fun following her throughout her pregnancy so far.

11. Sabine at A Land Far Away (She was already nominated by Wifey so I figured it would be ok if I listed 11 bloggers.) Sabine is about to turn 30 and is looking for 30 ideas of things to do this year that she's never done before. It's her "30 for 30" list! If you have a good idea please go let her know!!

Now it's your turn to List 10 Things That Make Your Day and then list 10 Blogs that you think are worthy of this award.

For all you DOGS out there...

2010-02-18T13:48:00.000-05:00

This morning I was staying in bed taking it easy since I over did yesterday and I'm feeling it now. Huge blogging nerd that I am, I grabbed my laptop as soon as I woke up to see what was going on out in cyber space. I checked my email, some news, Olympic updates, and of course my friends blog entries. As I typed a comment to a fellow blogger it occurred to me that my left hand was heavy and not working very well. This is what I saw! Look who love's me:

It's my Jack Russell, BUNNY!!! Of course, with my right hand, I grabbed my blackberry to take this picture. She is always cuddled up with me, but for some reason, this morning it caught my attention. The love of dogs is unlike anything else. (Yes, I'm a dog person, but I'm sure cat people feel the same way about their kitties!)

A canine's loyalty and affection is the most comforting thing ever! This little pup has been with us for most of our infertility journey...well, we got her several months after we learned it was going to be a long, hard road. She was our first baby, really. We raised her together since she was 9 weeks old. It has given us an outlet to express some parental love and nurturing. Even though she's just a puppy, it was something to hold and love while we've waited.

So this morning while she lovingly rested her sleepy head on my hand I was reminded of all the times she loved me when I needed it most. She never said the wrong things like, "just try to stress about it," or "at least you are still young." She let me feel whatever I wanted to feel, and she never judged me for a moment. She didn't try to solve my problems, and she never grew tired of me. She was the perfect companion in those dark hours.

So this post is goes out to all the dogs (and cats) who are helping us along the way. Your love is priceless!!

Thank you Puppies!!!!

Belly Pics & Weekly Quiz

2010-02-16T12:07:00.000-05:00

This is so fun!! I LOVE being pregnant and watching my belly grow!! I am so grateful for this gift.

5th Week (My Baseline Figure)

15th Week!

I got the following quiz from some fellow bloggers and decided I would join in the fun by answering the questions once a week. Here goes...

How far along: 15th week. I have never been happier!!!

Total Weight Gain: 6 lbs...Looks like a lot more to me, but I'm not complaining!! :)

Symptoms: Nothing bad. I've been very lucky. I am hungrier these days and I get out of breath a lot easier than I used to but that's not a big deal. I had some back pain from weeks 7-9 but that has gone away completely. Overall I have been feeling great this whole time. All smiles here!

Maternity Clothes: Absolutely!! In the pictures above, I'm wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt...the only clothes I used to wear that still fit me. I would never go out in public wearing these now, so I've made the switch to maternity pants and tops. They are very comfortable much more flattering.

Stretch Marks: Nope...I've started using lotion on my belly every day to keep the skin supple. I hope that I never get them!! We'll see......

Sleep: I sleep very, very well. (Except I get up to pee about 3-4 times a night, but this can't be helped.) I've moved a body pillow into our bed which really helps keep my knees comfortable. In all honesty, I feel that I should never complain about my comfort at night since Ben and I purchased a Tempurpedic mattress a couple years ago. They really are as amazing as the advertisements say they are. It was worth every penny!! After owning the bed for over two years I still look forward to crawling into it each night. Ok, now that I am starting to sound like those commercials I'll move on to the next question.

Best Moment Last Week: Our 14 week ultrasound!! Watching the baby move around and listening to the heartbeat is so incredible. I am so in love with our baby already!!

Movement: YES!! Only a few times here and there for the last couple weeks but they are unmistakable baby flutters. The best way I can describe it is this: Imagine the feeling you get when your eyelid starts twitching involuntarily. Well that's what it felt like to me when I first felt it. I thought my uterus was twitching involuntarily and then it hit me!! "That's my baby moving....the uterus doesn't twitch like that on its own!!!!" Since I've never felt anything like it before, I knew exactly what I was feeling!! Similar to gas pains? Yeah right!!! They are completely different!! And WONDERFUL. It makes me smile all day after I get that sensation. I love it!!

Food Cravings: Whole grapefruits...I love to peel them and eat each piece individually! Also PB&J sandwiches with a big glass of milk. I find this one weird cause I used to never like them...even when I was a kid. And the next one many of you will think is totally weird, but it is actually something I did eat when I was a child...Cream cheese and pickle sandwiches....haha....yum!! My cravings have been all over the board....these are just a few recent ones I can think of. We'll see what I'll be putting together next week!

What I miss: GOOD Wine!! I have always enjoyed cocktail hour, so skipping that is one thing I really do miss. But it’s totally worth it. I'll just appreciate a great glass of wine that much more when baby comes!!

What am I looking forward to: Our next ultrasound...of course!! Every glimpse I get of our baby is magic to me!! Our next one is March 19th (I'll be in my 20th week) so I have some waiting to do....

Milestones: I'm not affraid all the time!! Ever since our last appointment when we got confirmation that we made it through the first trimester with flying colors I have been able to relax a bit. I am gaining more and more confidence that things will be ok. I'm learning to trust that this pregnancy is strong and that we can believe that we are finally 'normal.' I'm ENJOYING my pregnancy instead of being paranoid!!

How is Daddy? Just as excited as I am. He is very protective of me and our baby. He won't let me do things like shovel snow and is always asking what he can get for me. He is also eager to learn the gender, but he's much more patient than I am. I couldn't have asked for a better husband...I know he will be an amazing father!!

That's it for now...thanks for reading!! :)

14 Week Ultrasound w/ new OB

2010-02-10T18:44:00.000-05:00

Today was sweet and sour...but mostly SWEET!! I'll start with the good stuff...

We met with our new obstetrician, Dr. F, who was kind and gentle, and instantly made me feel at ease. In fact, when I think about it, I was more relaxed with him today than I EVER was with my RE. Not that being in stirrups is a thing that gets me all panicked, cause lord only knows how many times I've been in them since the beginning of all this. It’s just that having someone in your nether regions isn't all relaxing like when you're getting your hair shampooed at the salon. It will always be somewhat uncomfortable no matter what, but today, with my new doc, it was much easier on me. He just moved slower and was more gentle with the instruments than any other gynecologist I've seen. I appreciated seeing a doctor who didn't work on my body like I was on an assembly line. OH, and get this ladies!! The lap cover was NOT made from that cheesy paper...It was a soft, pressed, white cotton sheet!! Real fabric.... Ah-Mazing!! I tell ya, it's the small things in life that really make me happy!! :)

We HEARD our baby's heartbeat for the very first time. WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP!!! It was a breathtaking sound. And our fetal heart rate was 162 BPM! Fast and strong...just like the baby itself!! We have a VERY Bouncy Bun in the Oven!! This baby was in constant motion for the entire u/s. I mean spinning, kicking, waving and bobbing so much that getting a picture was very difficult! Baby also had its legs crossed so no guesses on gender yet. We'll have to wait until week 19 when we have our next ultrasound scheduled. Oh well! Dr. F was able to count all 10 fingers as they waved around. And he said that the spine looked great with almost no fluid around it which means that there's a very low risk for downs syndrome. The baby's stomach was full of liquid so that indicates baby is swallowing and that the brain is functioning as it should be at this point. He did some other measurements of the femur, skull, abdomen, etc as best he could with all the movement and kept using beautiful words like, "great" and "perfect." Music to my ears after the weeks of nervous thoughts. At one point when Dr. F got a good view of some fingers he even said, "aww...how cute!" That made me feel so good that a doctor could allow himself to use a word like that to describe MY baby. We've made it to the second trimester and have a great bill of health!! I couldn't be more pleased with this news!

Now for the sour part...We had a snow storm hit yesterday morning and it lasted throughout the day so Dr. F had to close his office. Today he tried to fit all of yesterday's cancelled appointments in with his regularly scheduled appts. Yay for us! We waited over an hour just to be called back and once we were shown to the exam room...yup, you guessed it....more waiting. (This time with no panties...so you can see why I appreciated that real cotton cloth so much!!) We were there for OVER TWO FULL HOURS in total when we were told this appointment would last no longer than 45 minutes! It really wasn't that awful since we had no where we had to be, but what made it seem like it took forever was how EAGER I was to see my baby after all these weeks. I know weather can't be helped so we tried to be patient and definitely didn't complain.

The second thing is definitely a little more sour!! Dr. F told us that he was recording the entire sonogram with sound and all. We were SO EXCITED about it!! When we got home we instantly put the DVD in the machine and...Nothing. My husband then tried it on his laptop then mine, and still nothing. It turns out that there were no files recorded. I called their office to see if maybe he gave us the wrong DVD or they had another copy or something, but of course, no, it's gone forever. Actually it never was...apparently he didn't hit record properly. I'm so disapointed. It would have been a really great thing to show our baby some day when he or she is older...and it would have been fun to upload here on my blog. Oh well...shit happens! At least my baby is healthy...that is all the really matters. Since baby was moving so much, and he thought it was being recorded there wasn't much emphasis put on our still photos so that's why they are not the best. Here is our little Skeletar Alien:

3D image

When we go back in 5 weeks they have promised to do another full DVD recording for us. I'm sure that the new one one will be even better since the baby will be that much more mature. Next time I will be sure to ask, "Are you SURE that its recording?!?!"

Summary: Perfect fetal heartbeat, 10 fingers, lots of movement, a really nice doctor, and cotton sheets....it was a very good day, DVD or not!!

CAN'T WAIT for my First OB Appt. Tomorrow!!

2010-02-09T11:06:00.000-05:00

This wait has been really tough on me...very similar to the anxiety of my 2WW, but way LONGER! It's been one month...4 WEEKS...since we were released from the RE. I know, I know, that's only 2 weeks longer than the 2WW, but it feels like it's been 2 months or longer!

I realize that I'd better get used to this kind of wait since 4 weeks is the standard time between all my upcoming OB appointments until my third trimester. It's just that the last time we saw our baby he/she was only 10 weeks (1st trimester) and now I'm 14 weeks (2nd trimester). With all the horror stories out there about miscarriage in the first trimester I felt a great sigh of relief when we crossed over to the second trimester, but I have yet to have a doctor confirm that our baby is still doing great. I have had very minimal symptoms throughout my whole pregnancy thus far so I've had nothing physical to really go by. And not to mention that symptoms are suppose to ease in the second trimester so how would I know either way?

I don't mean to be projecting worry or fear that something is actually wrong with my baby or my pregnancy, because in my heart I believe that he or she is doing great. And I've had no spotting or pain or anything to make me worry, and my belly is growing. It's just that I love my baby so much already and I know how hard it was to get here, so trusting my heart or my belly isn't enough for me to be able to relax. I am so eager to SEE our little Pea again on the u/s screen. I just want to hear my doctor say, "All is well." I cannot wait to see all the changes that have happened to our growing little miracle. I am still dying to HEAR the heartbeat since our RE never turned on the sound. I'm anxious to know what the heartbeat actually is since we were never given an exact figure from our out IVF doc. He just said, "It's somewhere b/w 120 and 160." Great, huh?

I selected the OB I'm seeing based on friend recommendations and internet ratings....which were both great! He is supposed to have excellent bedside manner and is known for taking his time and never making patients feel rushed. Also he's in practice by himself so I will always be seeing him and not one of his partners. I really hope that he'll take his time with us tomorrow so that I can get a GOOD look at my growing fetus. My past ultrasounds went by so fast they felt like a blur.

I'll post the picture(s) and an update as soon as can!

Do any of you have any recommendations of specific questions I should ask or requests I could make? I have a list of the "basic" inquiries that I'd assume most people will ask, but I'm wondering if any of you might think of something that I'm not. Thanks! :)

Blogger Award!!

2010-02-03T21:45:00.001-05:00

Many thanks to Sabine at A Land Far Away for this sweet award!! She's in the depths of TTC...please stop by and give her some support if you have a moment!!

Seven (interesting) facts about me:

1. I grew up on a horse farm and could "ride" practically before I could walk. Here is a picture to prove it...

2. My Aunt, Dellie, gave me this chair for Christmas when I was 5 or 6 and I still have it, and it's in great shape. I look forward to putting it in our baby's room.

3. In high school I was captain and goal-keeper for the women's varsity soccer team during the fall and I cheerleaded for the men's basketball team during the winter. It surprised a lot of people that I didn't play for the women's basketball team. I liked to be tough one season and wear girly skirts the next! :)

(Yes, our cheerleading unifroms were hanus and competely butt ugly!)

4. I once got my hair braided into corn-rows in the Bahamas...Those tight braids HURT so much that I have sworn to never again wear my hair like that... and I have a new found respect for those who can.

5. Only 2 short weeks after my huband and I started dating we went to the Kentucky Derby in a limo with a group of friends. It was SO MUCH fun. We sat on a blanket in the infield...hence the casual attire. It would've been fun to wear a big fancy hat....maybe some other year. (Yes, I'm wearing a great big belt buckel in a Limousine. I was sporting the "country club meets country girl" look. HA!)

6. My sister and I have the same birthday...November 3rd....yet we are 4 years apart in age. (She's older)

7. I designed and built a website for my dad. He is a painter and this is one of the paintings he has done for me and Ben. It is a portrait of our Fox Hound, Libby. Please visit our website to see more of his paintings if you are interested.

I nominate the following bloggers to recieve this award:

Sonja: On (In)fertile Ground

Tracey: Creating Baby Johnson

Emily: A hope and a wish for a gift from a perti dish

Brooke: scifibaby

Rachel: Our journey, but not our plan...

The Wife: The Non-Housewife Wife

A: Remember All the Way

I WISH I could nominate more of you, but I'm follwing the rules...

So here's what you need to do:

Thank the person who nominated you and copy the award in your blog
Link the person who nominated you for this award
Share seven interesting things about yourself
Nominate seven fellow bloggers and add the links to their blogs

12 Weeks 5 Days Update

2010-02-01T14:37:00.005-05:00

OBGYN: My first OB appt is still not until Feb 10th! I last saw my RE on Jan 13th...so this wait is getting tough!! At my last u/s my baby was 10 weeks and at the next u/s he or she will be 14 weeks!! I can't wait to see how much The Pea has changed and we hope to learn the gender at that point if baby is in the right position! Fingers crossed!!

Nursery: Ben and I got started thinking about baby furniture this past weekend. It was really fun!! We rearranged our bedroom since we plan on keeping our baby in our room with is for the first several months. In fact, we don't plan on setting up a nursery at all in our current house since we expect that Ben will be relocated cross country for his job shortly after the birth. When we get to our new house, our baby will be about 6 months old so that's when we'll decorate a permanent nursery. Not to mention in the current house the extra bedrooms are kinda far down the hallway and I know I wouldn't be comfortable leaving my baby that far away from me especially in the beginning. Also I plan on breastfeeding, so having baby in our room will be the most convenient for all! We ordered the following furniture:

Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper that fits right up against my bed to make midnight feedings easier and to be able to check in on baby frequently. It will hold up to 30 lbs so it's bigger and will last longer than a typical bassinet. (This also turns into a pack'n play for later on when baby is larger.) We'll worry about getting a crib later on down the road closer to our move.
Glider Chair & Ottoman will be great for nursing and rocking baby to sleep. We also like that it looks like a normal piece of furniture so we can keep it around and it isn't so obvious that it's a nursery glider.

Changing table will be the next thing to pick out, but we haven't found one that we love yet. I'll post pics of our bedroom/baby room when the furniture arrives and we get it all set up. I know some might think we're getting started way too early, but I don't care what anyone thinks! We're so excited that we're finally expecting that we can't help it! I'm sure we'll have everything all done and ready by the end of my second trimester. That's OK with me since my third trimester will be during the HOT summer months so I'll spend my free time lounging in a cool swimming pool with my big belly instead of running around to every baby store in town. :)

My symptoms are almost non existent. I feel great all the time. I'm just way more hungry and I crave really healthy food all the time. Vegetables, fruit, milk and more fruit!! On Saturday night at about 3:40 AM I was tossing and turning and thinking about cereal ...what else is new...and I didn't realize it but Ben was awake. Out of no where he said, "if you want to go downstairs to have a bowl of Cheerios, I'll come with you." I jumped to my feet and said, "awesome...lets go!!" We sat in the dark on the couch eating a couple bowls together in our PJ's while watching Keeping Up With The Kard.ashians since that was the only thing on at that hour. It was my favorite part of the weekend. I love my husband and I LOVE being pregnant!!! :)

In your face, Facebook!

2010-01-28T14:54:00.002-05:00

So I did it!! I posted my pregnancy announcement on Facebook.

I used to gag, roll my eyes, and frequently cry when others would do this. It just made my infertile situation feel so much worse when others out there could easily get pregnant and just tell the world. Ugh!

I am finally 12 weeks and 1 day, so I decided, "Dammit! I've earned the right to post my announcement. I'm gonna do it!!" Of course I was a little concerned that I might unknowing upset someone out there who might be having trouble, but at the same time I want to celebrate my miracle with everyone I know. I'm tired of being "infertile" and acting accordingly. I'm tired of being fearful and holding back my joy. I want to be carefree as if this baby were easily conceived the old fashioned way. I want to allow myself to be NORMAL!!

So I did it...

"What's up world, it's Cilla! I'M PREGNANT and I'm not afraid anymore!!!!!"

This is NOT actually what I wrote, but it's what it felt like.

Gender Poll and a Thank You to our Blog World!

2010-01-26T16:34:00.006-05:00

I thought it would be fun to add a poll to my blog so my readers can try to guess my baby's gender. I have absolutely NO CLUE what I'm having, so I thought it would be fun to see what you all think!! Some days I think boy and some days I think girl....what would you guess?? We'll find out for sure in a few weeks so in the mean time, I'm having some fun!! (The poll is on the left side just under my profile description.)

Also I got my hair cut and colored today so I thought it would be fun to give my blog background a makeover too! (The blue means nothing...it used to have more pink....I'm just going for variety!)

I feel great and I'm more and more grateful as the days go by for having a healthy and uneventful pregnancy so far. It really is a miracle when I think about this time a year ago. I wasn't sure I would ever know these feelings, but here I am!!

I want to give a big blog shout out to Emily who just learned that she too is expecting her first baby after a long, tough journey! And to my other bloggy IFers turned pregnant: Babygaga, Sonja, Nicole, Tracey, The-Non-Housewife-Wife, and Lin I just want to say its a total joy to follow your pregnancies and I keep you in my thoughts often! I am beyond thrilled for all of us!! I also want to send positive thoughts and prayers out to Mom Genes who's currently in her two week wait after IVF #1. And last but definitely not least...to Rachel, A, Brooke, One Who Understands, and Jem: I have faith that each of you will get through this agonising battle. I think of you often and pray that you will get all that you're dreaming of!! And to anyone else I may have missed: Thank you for being a part of this wonderful community. I know how much it has helped me and I hope that the rest of you feel the same way! xox

Thank you ladies for being here offering the endless support and cheer leading that you have given me for months. In my real life there are often times I feel misunderstood, but here in this blogosphere I know you get me and that is totally priceless!!!

Thank you!!! Love, P.

NEW NAME...Same blog.

2010-01-24T05:40:00.002-05:00

It's 5:40 in the morning and I'm sitting in my kitchen eating Cheerios while my husband is fast asleep upstairs. This has become a fairly regular ritual of mine in the last several weeks of my pregnancy. I wake up and cannot stop thinking about food. This baby makes me hungry!! :)

As I read through others' blogs, it occurred to me that my blog's title has become a little outdated. I first started it as a journal of our second journey through IVF, hence the name, "Ben and Priscilla IVF #2," but at the time, I wasn't sure where it would lead. Now, as I continue to write about my experiences, I recognize that we and this blog have thankfully moved past In Vitro treatments....for now. (It's something we know we must face again if we want to try for more babies, but that is far from our minds as we relish the gift we have currently been given.)

As our journey continues on a much happier path we will never forget how we got here...

Prenatal Yoga Rocks!

2010-01-21T10:46:00.003-05:00

Last night I attended my first Yoga For Pregnancy class and was very happy with the experience. I have always enjoyed regular yoga classes for the centering in brings while using muscle and breath in unison. Last night's class was particularly enjoyable because it was so focused on surrounding my energy around my baby. The instructor was genuine and brought a certain calm to the room. It was a very peaceful environment to be in.

I learned some alternative poses that will come in handy as my belly grows. We also did exercises that worked on certain areas that are not focused upon in your average yoga class. We did Kegels as a group!! It made me want to giggle as I thought of the Samantha Jones' character from Sex and the City smuggly annoucing to her friends that she was doing hers "right now."

In the beginning of class we all sat in a circle (there were about 17-20 of us) and took turns telling our name, how far along we were and if there were any particular areas of discomfort that we'd been feeling so that our instructor could incorporate a targeting exercise or stretch into the evenings class. The majority of the women were 2o - 38 weeks along and most of them had these big, beautiful, round belly's. Being only 11 weeks I felt like the youngest one there (even though I was definitely not.) I felt like a freshman or something so I didn't mention anything about my sore back since I imagined that everyone would roll their eyes at me for having any type of physical discomfort so early in my pregnancy.

After years of being a pregnant wanna-be as Ben and I endured our infertility, last night I still had the same old familiar feelings of being among the enemy. All those round abdomens that I had literally run from not very long ago. There I was choosing to be in a room FULL of women who's very presence had caused me many tearful breakdowns in the recent past. How can I actually belong here now? Weird!! Obviously I'm still in disbelief about my pregnancy. I can't wait until my belly is big and round too. Maybe then I won't feel like such an imposter. Then again, I will always remember what it was like to live on the other side. Perhaps my new challenge is to learn how to live paralleling the two existences. Infertile turned pregnant....its like poor turned rich. I feel like I won the lottery and now I am learning to adjust to the good life leaving all my grief and pain behind.

Anywho...after I got over my silly 11 week insecurities that were all totally in my head I thoroughly enjoyed the class. It moved at a good speed I loved focusing my energy inward to my miracle baby. He or she is really in there and last night helped me get one step closer to truly believing it....cause clearly the ultrasounds weren't proof enough. Gawd! I must sound so silly!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpUVXlGqkSM

11 Weeks Along

2010-01-20T12:46:00.003-05:00

A lot has happened since I last blogged so I will use bullet points to update:

Chiropractor: Evening of first visit = blissful pain-free sleep. Next day at bed time I started getting sciatic nerve pain radiating ALL the way down my left leg after I did the floor exercises my chiropractor instructed me to do. As I lay in bed I was in so much pain it was almost impossible to sleep. I still don't want to take anything, so no Tylenol. After a couple fitful hours of tossing and turning a heating pad finally helped me get some rest. The next morning I went back to the Chiro and told him about my pain. He did an adjustment, and as I walked to my car I felt even worse. Decided that maybe it was these visits that were aggravating (NOT helping) my lower back pain. Chiro = Not not for me right now! I need a new plan!

Yoga!! I went to a Beginners Plus class with a good friend last Friday and felt fantastic after the class and ever since. I go back tonight to a prenatal yoga class. I'm hoping that I continue to feel better as a result of this type of stretching, strength building, breathing and inner focus. Yoga = Good so far!! Hope this is the answer to my lower back discomfort!

Pregnancy Symptoms: Other than the back pain I have been feeling pretty great. No sickness at all, my energy is returning, and I've had a good appetite! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and cant stop thinking about Cheerios so I end up heading down to the kitchen to eat a bowl or two of cereal before I can get back to sleep. I have gotten back to walking a lot, which feels good, but my pace has slowed some since I seem to get out of breath pretty easily. Just going up the stairs makes me huff and puff. I've read that its totally normal, but it makes me feel very out of shape. I get a little crampy here and there, sometimes its a sharp feeling when I move too quickly, but nothing too alarming or worrisome. Oh, and my memory....not so sharp these days. Pregnancy brain has totally set in!! :)

OB visit: I couldn't wait until Feb. 1oth to see the new OB a friend of mine recommended, so I made an appt with another highly recommended OB group for next week (Jan 28th). I kept the Feb. 10th apt with the first OB too. I will determine which practice I like better and stick with them! If neither of them make me feel completely comfortable I will keep looking. To some I'm sure this may sound a little overboard, but I really want to find a practice who I click with since I never felt a closeness at all with anyone at my IVF clinic. I just want a more personalized type of care. My sister, who's a midwife in Oregon, has suggested that I find a CNM practice and interview with them. I'm considering it. To be honest I'm feeling very overwhelmed about choosing my next provider. Since this is my first baby I have no idea what to really expect, therefor I'm not sure what I really want. Do I want to try an all natural birth with no interventions? Maybe a water birth? Or will it be far more painful and awful that I could possibly anticipate so will I want an epidural and all the drugs they can give me to make it easier? Will I need to be induced? Would that really be necessary? Will I ultimately need a C-section? Obviously I don't know the answers to ANY of these questions and I'm sure it may seem WAY TOO EARLY to worry about them. But I kinda feel like they do matter now because all doctors have different protocols about when its appropriate to induce, or do a c-sections, or administer drugs, etc, etc. I And to make things even more confusing for me is that everyone I know who's given birth has their own stories, suggestions and advice. I feel lost in all the information and options and fear that I've lost my own vision of what I want. I haven't even started meeting with the new doctors yet and I'm already feeling exhausted by the process. Part of me wants to just give up and go to the first practice I see. I am so tired from the fight of trying to get pregnant that the idea of fighting for the birth plan I want seems like to much work. Maybe it would be easier to just do whatever my doctor tells me to do. As long as my baby is healthy then I'll be happy, right? Maybe not? Maybe I'll regret not choosing one thing over an other! Ugh! Why is this so frustrating for me, and why do I feel like I'm the only one who feels this way? AHH! (Sorry for all the venting, it helped to get it out. Hopefully the first doc I see makes me feel really at ease and I can stop feeling anxious about the birth that is still 6.5 months away. Perhaps its just the fact that I've been released from my IVF doc and haven't yet found a new OB that has me feeling so vulnerable...who knows! Maybe its all my hormones!)

10 Week Ultrasound

2010-01-13T11:00:00.003-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a FEISTY FETUS!!

That's right! Our embryo is officially a fetus today and we saw lots of movement! It was incredible to see our little miracle kicking wildly during the ultrasound this morning. I'm still in total awe. It was a jaw dropping sight that I will never forget.

I have been studying this picture all morning. If you look closely you can see its FACE profile...eye, nose, lips!! WOW! I'm just beaming! This is MY BABY!!!!

Our doctor said, "The fetus is very big and healthy. Everything looks really, really great!" Music to my ears and the answer to my prayers!!! We were also told that we have now graduated from the IVF clinic!!! WOO HOO! This was our last appointment, and now we get to move on to 'normal' land!!

As we walked in this morning and waited for the elevator, I felt my anxiety beginning to rise. I looked at Ben and told him how I was feeling. As we rode up to the 4th floor, we reflected on how MUCH we've been through in that building. Every appointment had so much hope weighing on it and there was never any guarantee that things would work out. We learned this the hard way after our first IVF failed. No wonder just the sight of the building causes my heart rate to increase and my fear to bubble up. It will be wonderful to start fresh with a new doctor in a new office that doesn't hold so much baggage for us.

My first appointment with our new OBGYN is scheduled for February 10th. That is a WHOLE MONTH away!! Oh well....more waiting. What else is new?

At least now, after the wonderful appointment this morning, I'm feeling much more confident about this pregnancy. Like I told Ben, "I think this is really going to be it for us!"

It's still hard to believe after everything we've been through trying to make this baby, OUR BABY!!!

My Chiropractic Visit

2010-01-12T15:07:00.004-05:00

I LOVE my new chiropractor! What a wonderful change of pace after all the months of needle pricks and vaginal ultrasounds.

It felt great when he gingerly moved his hands up and down my spine gently pocking and rubbing in certain areas along my back to get an understanding of my unique spinal structure. For the first time in along while I didn't feel like I was on an assembly line. Ahhh...I'm an individual again!!

The appointment itself was really nice. He and I got to know each other (more him getting to know me than vice versa) before he did any adjusting. Once he was ready to work on me he took his time just running his hands up and down my back. His touch felt very sure and knowledgeable. It trusted him immediately. I easily was able to take a deep breath, let him manipulate my position, and "CRACK!" Amazing relief!! I had no idea how tight my entire body I has really become. I'm sure this whole IVF journey might have a lot to do with it.

It may sound a little barbaric to have a man wrap his arms around you and use force to get a tension releasing crack from your spine, but I promise it didn't hurt at all. It was pure heaven! I feel so much looser already after one appointment.

He also gave me some exercises I can do at home to help strengthen my hips. He explained that building those muscles will help take some of the strain out of my lower back along with regular adjustments.

I'm going back twice this week then the doc thinks I should be able to get by with once a week or just a few times a month. I am so glad I have chosen to do this throughout my pregnancy. I can tell already is it going to be very helpful!

My chiropractor also suggested I start some prenatal Yoga classes. I told him I have already been considering it, so his advice gave me the push I needed. I'm definitely going to get started! I have done Yoga in the past, and loved it...not sure why I ever stopped going.

After all this crazy conception intervention I realized that I've forgotten to take care of the rest of my body. I have been taking all kinds of vitamins and getting exercise, but I've only focused on the health of my uterus, my eggs, and now my baby. I had forgotten what massage, yoga and chiropractic adjustments can do for the mind, body and spirit! I have felt lost in all the infertility and the impersonal doctor's office visits that I have been feeling a bit worn out lately. After today's appointment I feel more vibrant and whole! What a relief!! :)

Back Pain!

2010-01-11T16:26:00.003-05:00

My lower back has been really bothering my these days especially at bedtime. I've tried body pillows and heating pads, but nothing really seems to ease the pain. I haven't tried tylenol, but I've opted not to take anything like that unless its absolutely necessary like if I have a fever or something. At first the back pain worried me because I've read that that could be an early sign of miscarriage, but since I've had zero spotting though out my 9 weeks and 5 days of being pregnant I keep trying to remind myself that being fearful isn't productive. Also I've been reassured by my sister, who's a midwife on the west coast, that the pain is very normal and it is most likely a result of loosening ligaments in my pelvis which is caused by my growing uterus. She recommended I go see a chiropractor who could help me by performing adjustments and massage.

I have my first appointment tomorrow with a chiropractor who a good friend has recommended. I have been to an other chiropractor in 2005 after I suffered a head and back injury. The adjustments I received then made a huge difference in my day to day pain and the speed of my healing. The doctor I went to then, who I LOVED, has since moved away, so I'm hoping the new doc can give me same level of care and relief. I'm sure he's great since my friend has totally vouched for him. I made sure that this chiropractor I'm seeing is accustomed to working on pregnant women and I was assured that he does it all the time. In fact, he thinks that women who come for regular adjustments during their pregnancies tend to have faster and more successful labor and deliveries. I hope he's right and I that my back starts to feel better soon!!

About my last post...

2010-01-10T12:54:00.002-05:00

Hi Blog friends!

Thank you all so much for your supportive feedback about my docs smart-ass comment. I feel a lot better knowing that many of you out there would have been offended too.

I wanted to answer your questions and clarify one thing...

I know how sensitive I must seem, but hell, it comes with being infertile. I can't really help it anymore. I'm working on it though...

I don't plan on confronting on my RE. It won't change anything. He is what he is. Period. I am just using it as a learning experience. It showed how important it is to me to find the right chemistry and trust between patient and doctor. I wont tolerate that kind of relationship between me and the person who will be delivering my baby. (I have found an OB in my area that comes highly recommend from women for his incredible, laid back personality, and his support of his patients being as well informed as possible... so I really look forward to meeting him. I hope he is all that I am looking for!!)

Second, I guess I wasn't clear in my previous post. My doctor made his comment about our next IVF cycle at my FIRST appointment since our embryo transfer. It was NOT our last appointment with him. I still am going back this Wednesday for a second ultrasound. He has made no mention of when I will be released. Had it been our last appointment I would have expected him to discuss our next course of action when it comes to IVF since we wont be seeing him again until we want to try for more children. So it was the fact that HE brought it up at our FIRST ultrasound that pissed me off.

Whatever...I'm being able to shrug it off now thanks to your support!! :)

Thanks again!! You ladies are really the best!!

A New CARE Provider Please!!

2010-01-08T12:03:00.005-05:00

My doctor and one of his assistants made a comment to me over two weeks ago at my fist ultrasound that I still haven't been able to get out of my head. It offended me at the time, but I chose to brush it off thinking I could let it go, but here I am weeks later still peeved over it.

Ben and I were so eager for our first (7 week) ultrasound that we made sure to actually write down all the questions we wanted to ask our doctor during the visit. After we got to see our baby's amazing heartbeat and our doctor had confirmed that everything looked great he asked if we had any other questions. Ben handed me our list so I could quickly scan it to be sure we had covered everything. And that was when I realized that there was one question we hadn't touched on.

I wanted to ask my doctor about OB/GYNs. If there is one or two in particular that he highly recommends or if the group of OB/GYNs I've seen in the past are a group that he would vouch for. I just wanted to know his perspective on the subject. Since I'm still so early in my pregnancy, I was a little hesitant to ask the question since there had still been no mention of when he would be releasing me from his care, but I know it is inevitable, and I like to be prepared and do research, so I figured it would be perfectly fine to inquire. In my mind this is a pretty obvious question that I would assume the majority of his patients in my position commonly ask. Wouldn't you? This is how our conversation went:

I said, "Oh, yea, there is one more thing. And I hope I'm not jumping the gun but..." And that's when my doctor got a know-all smirk across his face and interrupted me by saying, "you're wondering about you're next IVF cycle already aren't you?" Then he looked to his assistant and they both chuckled as he said to her, "She would ask about that wouldn't she? Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha." I was stunned and quickly said, "NO! I was going to ask about OBGYN's you recommend." He gave his answer that I only half heard because I was becoming more offended by the second.

After he left the room I was in total shock that he would even think that I would seriously be asking about a future IVF cycle when we had just seen our baby, for the first time, after all that we'd been through. "Who the hell does he think he is?" The way he and his nurse laughed made me feel like I'm the joke of their practice. Like I'm some kind of high maintenance patient who is always getting ahead of herself that they all make fun of behind my back.

As I walked down the hallway to leave their office I was still tripping over his tactless comment. "Do they think these things about me because I worked hard to be as well informed as I could about the invasive IVF process I had just come through? Is it because I called to get my blood results after my appointments? Is it that I brought list of questions I wanted to be sure to remember to ask? Why would he say that, even if he was just joking? Why would they laugh when I was trying to ask questions that were important to me?"

When I got home I tried to just put it out of my mind and not let myself be too sensitive. "Just get over it," I thought. But weeks later it is still with me and it has brought up a lot of inner pondering.

Perhaps I am over analyzing that one comment, but there is a bigger issue that it helped me focus on. Maybe I really was one of their most involved patients who asked far more questions that the typical IVF couple. Maybe it was the fact that I wouldn't accept their explanation of our remaining embryos just "pooping" out prior to freezing. That I required him to give me a better answer than something you would tell a 3rd grader. Maybe most of their patients really don't ask about what is going on with their bodies or their embryos. Just like sheep they follow his every word and don't dare get too involved or venture to ask, "WHY?"

This is really scary to me. I can't fathom trusting anyone that much. I have brain too, and no, I'm not a doctor though I do respect those who are, but I feel that I at least have the right to ask questions before, during and after treatment without being snickered at.

I've realized that throughout both of my IVF cycles my doctor has tried to share as little information as possible with me rather than being open and candid and willing to honestly answer my questions. He has dumbed things down to explain them to me and has acted like a robot. For example, EVERY TIME I get a trans vaginal ultrasound (which has been dozens of times by now) he uses the EXACT same line to me as he inserts the transducer, "Liiiiiiitle bit of a pressure, Cilla." No shit....We've done this before, dude! Is it really necessary for you to use the same stupid words every time we do this proving to me that you use the same stupid words with each and every one of your patients? I am so tired of not feeling like an individual who my doctor really "cares" about. And they call themselves "CARE providers." Please!

These feelings I have about the impersonal nature of nurses and doctors in general has really raised my concern about my next huge step....GIVING BIRTH. I do not want to find myself in prenatal care and eventually labor when I have a doctor dumbing explanations down or sparing me from all "technical" details that are deemed unnecessary for me to know or learn.

Just as a woman’s heart knows,
How and when to pump,
Her lungs to inhale,
And her hand to pull back from fire,
So she knows when and how to give birth.
- Virginia Di

This is my mantra for how I will find my next "CARE provider." I refuse to see someone who belittles my involvement or someone who pushes interventions without much explanation. I don't want to feel like my decisions are not my own or feel forced into choices because of not having all the information. Instead I want to feel empowered and encouraged to be involved. I want to be supported and not stifled. Of course with our current doc we didn't get to make these choices since the only criteria was to find the best infertility specialist in the area.

Now the possible OBGYNs, Midwives, Doulas, doctor's offices, hospitals and birthing centers are vast....Let the research begin!!

** I am still beyond grateful for my RE's skill at being able to get me pregnant in the first place. I will never forget this. I'm just very ready to move on to a CARE provider whose chemistry aligns with mine. Someone who is down to earth, knowledgeable, sensitive, patient and who spares me the corny, repetitious one-liners.

I'm back!

2010-01-04T12:33:00.005-05:00

Hello Blog-world! I've missed you! I have been totally M.I.A. since before Christmas. It feels good to be back!

On Christmas Eve we surprised Ben's family with our 7 week sonogram framed and wrapped in a gift box. They seemed very happy for us and look forward to welcoming the first grand-baby into the family.

Ringing in the new year sober was a new experience for me. I had a good time, but it made me realize that Champagne really brings a lot to the evening and the non-alcoholic sparking grape juice I drank this year...not so much! Being pregnant is the best high of all so I could definitely forgo the bubbly this year, although, it was difficult to stay awake that late as I have become the sleepiest version of myself that I've ever known.

All in all our holiday vacation was wonderful. We had lots of time just the two of us to smile and reflect on all the changes that are going to happened over the next 7months. We also enjoyed time with friends and family playing games, exchanging gifts and eating meals together.

The bond between Ben and I feels extra special these days. Many times over the last couple weeks when our eyes locked across a crowded room we couldn't help but smiling at each other. Just knowing what's growing inside me is an amazing feeling. A feeling we feared we'd never know. We're so happy and relieved that we made it this far and we're so excited for the future. I find it very romantic to be pregnant with my Love's baby.

I have been feeling pretty good recently. Really sleepy some days, moody (verging on bitchy at some moments), sore boobs, hungry all the time...you know, PREGNANCY symptoms!!....it's a wonderful thing! I honestly have nothing to complain about. I finally have everything I've always wanted so I'm soaking it all up!

I'm still on Endometrin (vaginal progesterone suppositories) but I've been cut back from three times a day, to twice a day, to now only one a day since our first ultrasound. I can't believe how long I've been on these damn things. I know I said that I have nothing to complain about, but these are the one thing I have a few choice words for. GROSS...being the first one that comes to mind! I am so ready to stop using them. My doctor wants me to continue once a day until our next ultrasound which is still 10 days away. I can manage it for sure, but I'm really ready to be a normal pregnant person who is on nothing more than prenatal vitamins! I have been using prescribed hormone drugs for 73 days and counting! If these drugs help my baby stay put and keeps him/her healthy than I can do it, but I'm also starting to feel that my body is capable of taking over it's own hormone production! Doctor know best, so we'll see what he says on January 13th. Until then, I'm feeling content and confident that The Pea is growing fast and stong!

Happy New Year!!!

7 Week Ultrasound

2009-12-23T11:08:00.003-05:00

We have one Pea in the pod!!! We couldn't be any happier!! Our doctor said that everything looked "perfect!" We are officially due on August 11, 2010. The heartbeat was strong and it was the most precious little blob we've ever seen in our lives!!!!

This is truly the best Christmas present we have ever received!!! What a miracle!!! :)

Here's our Pea:

2 More days 'til Our 1st Ultrasound!!!

2009-12-21T09:46:00.003-05:00

Finally!!! The week of our first ultrasound has arrived!!! It's been 18 LONG days since we first learned that IVF #2 worked and now our appointment is just two short days away!! This waiting has felt like an eternity. I am just so anxious to see our little miracle with my own eyes!!

For most of this wait I haven't been feeling very "pregnant." The only real symptom of note has been fatigue. (But who isn't tired during the winter when it's freezing cold outside and the days are the shortest of the year?) I did throw up one morning but I'm convinced that was because I took some vitamins on an fairly empty stomach which could make anyone sick. Since then I have had no real nausea to speak of. I have been hungrier, but that ALWAYS happened around the holidays!! I've mostly just felt like myself, which is what made me the most nervous.

I know in early pregnancy a lot of women really feel nothing, and its completely normal. I also know I should be grateful, and I am, for the lack of unpleasant symptoms. It's just a little unnerving to have very little physical reminders of this newly established pregnancy especially when I knew my sister to be VERY aware of her 3 pregnancies during the first trimester. She was sick daily practically the whole way through the first 12 weeks, so there was no doubt about whether she was still pregnant.

Me, on the other hand, not so much...which is great, but also fills my mind with question marks! I almost went out the other day to buy a home pregnancy test just to take it so I could see the confirmation, "yes you're still pregnant, Cilla!" Feeling like that might be going overboard, I opted not to.

Over the weekend, things started changing and I'm FINALLY starting to feel a little bit more "pregnant." It's my boobs that are giving it away!!! They are SO SORE, HUGE and very HEAVY! I'm normally a DDD size, so you can imagine what I'm dealing with now that they're even BIGGER! Yikes! Rolling over in bed has become a painful operation unless I'm very careful. I'm busting out of my bras and when I take them off at the end of the day it's like nothing I've ever felt before. I feel like gravity is working overtime on just those two parts of my body. Ouch!! It's wonderful!! It means that I really am pregnant and that my body's going through the changes I have been wanting so long for!

6 Weeks Along

2009-12-15T10:04:00.005-05:00

Ever since my 3rd beta test on Friday I've been feeling a little more at ease.
I'm sure that it may seem silly to some that I needed 3 blood draws and a positive home pregnancy test to help me believe that I am indeed pregnant, but, as my blog buddies know, infertility really changes you. It takes away innocence and adds a lot of fear. There is no way to change that reality, but I'm doing my best to at least be conscious of it so that I can try to calm myself whenever I get swirled up in fear and worry about the health of this pregnancy. After all, I have no control....I never have, but being so 'technically' involved somehow makes one think that they do.

I am still so early in my pregnancy that if it had been achieved naturally I may not have even contacted a doctor yet. Hell, if I didn't track my period so closely I may not even be aware that I'm even pregnant. But in my reality I have gone to the doctor over 10 times in the last month. I got daily reports of our embryos when they were in culture, and I even have a photo on the Fridge of the two they transferred back inside my uterus. Talk about a different conception experience!

Intervention and IVF?... I have fully accepted that this was our path. In addition, part of me feels special that I got to experience it this way. How many moms out there have a photo of their baby when he or she was only 5 days past conception? How many know the exact hour their child was conceived? Not many!! As much grief and hardship as this road has presented us with I feel confident in knowing that there isn't a single grain of doubt about how much we want this baby. If we had gotten pregnant when we first started trying and not gone through all this soul-searching pain I'm not sure we wouldn't have some fear and doubt about whether we were ready. But now, WE ARE, and it feels great to know that we're headed into this with such conviction.

I feel totally confident about my desire for motherhood, now I'm trying to find as much confidence to believe that this pregnancy will continue to move along with health and success. Like I said, infertility breeds fear and doubt in the natural process. We get stuck in thinking that we'll always be doomed, so its been a challenge to allow myself to find the innocence I once had before I knew so much. To be able to believe that this can work and that we won't be crushed, AGAIN.

It's odd. It seems like no matter how you conceive there is always going to be a certain amount of fear and worry. For those who conceive their first baby easily I imagine their worries would be more focused on the labor and delivery and their readiness to be a parent or maybe their worry about loosing their "child-free" self, but for those of us who have had a lot of trouble conceiving, these are really the least of concern. We are terrified the moment we are told we're pregnant because its something we thought we might never get and the thought of it being taken away is truly our worst nightmare. We KNOW we're ready to become parents and definitely wont miss the time of being "child-free." Getting to full term and going through labor and delivery will be the biggest gift ever no matter how much pain we'll have to endure. I can't say from experience because I've never given birth, but I imagine that there is no physical pain that can trump the emotional hurt of being infertile.

I'm not trying to say that infertiles are more enlightened than fertiles...I'm just trying to point out how different it can make a person's experience when it comes to pregnancy. We ALL have our fears, but the fears seem to be different based on our conception history.

I'm finally getting to the point where I can find my faith over fear...the 3rd beta definitely helped. I know that our first ultrasound will be huge confidence boost as well if it goes smoothly. I am SO EXCITED and anxious to hear the heartbeat that it's becoming very hard to be patient!!!

I've been trying to stay busy with holiday preparations!! Just 8 more days...I can do it!!

Beta # 3 Results

2009-12-11T11:18:00.004-05:00

My number is now 3575!!

For those of you who understand beta doubling here are my stats:

17dpo: 166
20dpo: 966 ...doubled every 28 hours since 1st beta.
24dpo: 3575 ...doubled every 51 hours since 2nd beta.

I am VERY pleased with these solid numbers and the nurse confirmed that we are doing just great. She really thinks that I have no reasons worry and that I should feel confident and enjoy the process. She was very sweet and I am completely going to follow her recommendations!! I am feeling more blessed now than ever. We are REALLY pregnant and things are doing very well!!! What a relief!! Thank God!!

One more thing...I read yesterday in a new book I bought called The Pregnancy Journal that by now our baby's heart has started beating....AMAZING!!! I cannot wait until our first ultrasound on Dec. 23rd so we can see it!!

What an amazing holiday season we're having. God is good!!!

I'm Getting a 3rd Beta!!

2009-12-10T15:42:00.000-05:00

I decided that I couldn't wait until December 23rd to go back to my doctor to get confirmation that everything is still going ok, so I called today to see if there was any chance they would let me come in for a 3rd beta. I was told that they typically don't do a 3rd beta if the second one showed a solid doubling, but they're willing to do it if I really want. So I jumped at the chance and I'm going in first thing tomorrow morning!

I'm hoping that my numbers will be 2450 or above. If they are then it will mean that I've doubled at least every 70 hours which is just right.

Symptom Update:

YAAAAWWWWNNNNN!! I have been totally exhausted. I mean yawn every 5 minutes exhausted. Every where I've read tells you to expect it, so I'm happily yawning my way through week 5!

My sense of smell is out of this world too! For example, my dogs were eating their dinner about 10-12 feet away from where I sit to use my computer on the kitchen counter. This is where it's always been and they were eating in the same place I always feed them, but the other night our system had to be changed. I could vividly SMELL their GROSS DOG-FOOD-EATING-BREATH from where I was sitting and it was revolting to me!! HAHA! I even feed them dry Iams dog food so it’s not like it’s the wet smelly stuff. I can't believe how heightened my sense of smell has gotten!!

My appetite is down...for some reason NOTHING really appeals to me. Even so, I’ve been forcing myself to eat all the things I know I should, but eating hasn't been as satisfying or enjoyable as I usually find it. I'm sure this will pass.

Other than those few things I haven't noticed much else. My cramping has really diminished to almost nothing. I still have trouble believing that I'm actually pregnant. Well, besides the fact that I've not had my period in almost 6 weeks nor have I had any spotting. I just know that getting this third beta will help put my mind at ease if it comes back well.

I'll update as soon as I get the call from the lab tomorrow!

Beta # 2 Results

2009-12-07T17:35:00.002-05:00

I want to start by saying THANK YOU to all my wonderful friends (blog world and real life) for your amazing words of excitement about our good news. I've heard/read comments like this:

"CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!"
"Yeeeaaayyy!"
"YES! YES! YES!"
"WooooHooooo!!"
"Congrats!"
"WONDEFUL!!!"
"WOW!!"
"Best news ever!"
"What Wonderful News!"
"Hooooorraaaaaaay!"
"Yay! Yay! Yay!"
"OMG...Awesome news!!!"
And finally, the one exclamation that keeps ringing in my head and making me smile came from my Aunt who lives in Vermont: "FAR FUCKING OUT!!!" I love it...we totally feel that way!! :)

And today when I was at my doctor's office getting my blood drawn this morning I enthusiastically told the nurse where we were when we got the call from their office. I told her how excited we were and how funny it was that we were in public. Her response? Imagine the most valley-girl, stoner, monotone, uninterested voice ever, "Thaaaat's coooool." What is with these nurses? How can they be so unaware of the emotional state of their infertility patients? I mean I just learned that we are finally expecting after ALL that THEY have seen us go through....can't I at least get a smile?? Damn! It felt like the most fucked-up exchange ever. Like I had just told her that vanilla was my favorite flavor....ugh!

Whatever...Forget her!! I DID see my doctor in the hall and he gave me a BIG HUG....it made my day to get such a warm response from him.

Beta # 2: (20dpo/15dp5dt) 966 (that's a doubling time of 28 hours!) We are feeling great about it!

My first ultrasound is scheduled for December 23rd...no appointments, no blood work or anything until then. It feels so strange! It's a relief to not have to be running to the doc every other day like before, but at the same time I have gotten very accustomed to being "checked" so it also feels a little scary. I'm sure everything will be fine...I just can't wait for the 23rd!!

Thoughts Over the Weekend...

2009-12-07T10:52:00.004-05:00

Ben and I had a joyful weekend celebrating our news. My parents took us out to a fancy restaurant and we couldn't stop smiling...still haven't. It's been wonderful, but also very surreal and thought provoking.

We just keep saying to each other, "Can you believe it's actually true that we got a positive beta and we're really pregnant?" We're still trying to grasp it.

We also talked about how we feel like we're playing make-believe or something. We have been bogged down by infertility for so long that now when we say "we're pregnant" we feel like we're just fantasizing about the future (like we have for so many months) and that it's not really real right now.

For so long we metaphorically gritted our teeth and rolled our eyes at the easily impregnated fertiles out there and sometimes even the infertiles that left us in the dust. Now that we've just crossed over from "infertile" to "pregnant" its almost a sensation of being a traitor. It's a very bazaar feeling and I'm pretty sure I'm not doing a terribly good job of explaining it. Maybe you would have to have once be an infertile who eventually became pregnant to really get me. I don't know...

Part of me feels like I am now a resented "pregnant person" amongst the infertile community of friends that once made me feel so understood and not alone. I know how I felt when friends of mine joined the pregnant club and left me behind in miserable infertile land. It sucked a lot.

Now I am beyond thrilled to be on the other side of the line, but I am definitely aware of how my news might affect others who are still waiting to get their positive results. My heart is still with them because I remember how awful it feels. How strange to FINALLY be one of those "pregnant people" I have spent so many months snarling at.

I went in for my second beta test this morning...I will be updating with those results when I get the call later this afternoon.

Day 63 - The Results.

2009-12-04T11:12:00.004-05:00

We're PREGNANT!!!!

The nurse called and since it wasn't my doctor's voice my knees almost buckled. Of all the places in the world, we were standing in the children's toy isle at Wal-Mart. Why you ask? Well, my docs office told us this morning that my results most likely wouldn't be in until close to 4PM so we decided that we HAD to find something to distract ourselves until then. Since Ben has taken the day off we decided to go Christmas shopping for our 5 nieces and nephews. I have been avoiding anything baby/child related for a long time now (for obvious reasons) and I knew if our results were bad it was going to be MUCH harder to accomplish this task.

So when my cell phone rang and I saw that it was my doctor's office I almost stopped breathing. I knew my reaction was going to be dramatic no matter what and I instantly regretting being in public. Oh well....SO, I answered and it was the nurse. "Oh no! I thought that my doc would call if it were good news." That's when she happily told me that she had good news!! I started freaking out...of course....and everyone around me must have thought I was crazy. Who cares! WE'RE FINALLY PREGNANT!!!

How totally ironic that we learned we are pregnant in the baby department!!!!!

We are still spinning with disbelief and joy! I was so prepared for disappointment today that I didn't even put any make-up on this morning because I was afraid I would be crying later and I didn't want to have raccoon face. Now with our fantastic news I'm crying anyway, so I guess no make-up was a good call!!

To think that after 30 months of negative pregnancy tests, multiple surgeries, a failed first IVF round, over a hundred needles, and thousands of tears and dollars we have finally gotten some good news!! Today is a GREAT day!!

I know that everyone tells you that you're not out of the woods until after the first three months and this I respect, but from our perspective we feel that it's all in Gods hands now and it's a lot easier to trust in the Lord than to trust in a doctor's practice. Though, thank God for our doctor.

I have faith in my body and I have faith in our little bean(s).

I can't believe that I have FINALLY seen two lines on a home pregnancy test for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE....maybe they're not bad luck after all.

My Beta level is 166 (normal for this stage is between 5 and 426) so we feel good about ours and so does our doc. I go back on Monday morning for another test to make sure the my levels are doubling. (More on this later for those who are interested.) Then I will have my first ultra-sound in two weeks to determine if one or two implanted. (I think it's only one.)

Thanks again to everyone out there who has given so much amazing support!!!!!!

Ps. For those of you who know me in 'real life' please keep this info to yourselves. Thanks so much and thanks again for all your love!

Day 62 - It All Comes Down To Tomorrow

2009-12-03T11:36:00.002-05:00

I realize that blogging every day during my two week wait has brought forth almost no new news and my recent writing is most likely not very interesting. I will say, however, that having a place to focus my thoughts through this agonising period has helped with my temporary insanity.

When in doubt BLOG!

When I sit down to write my daily entry it gives me a focused mantra to hold on to for the next 24 hours as I've tried to end each blog in hopeful words.

So finally this is the last entry I will make until I have my test results tomorrow. I have never felt more in the dark before. Totally on the fence....utterly clueless about what my future holds.

There have been plenty of times in the last couple weeks that I have had hopeful thoughts like, "Of course it worked!" Then the very next moment the confidence I just had scares me right back into the old familiar way of thinking, "Don't get your hopes up Cilla. You know what it feels like to be devastated...so protect yourself and stop being so optimistic."

I am imprisoned by my own thoughts. I know that I could take a home pregnancy test to just get my answer now, but I am too afraid too. I have cried in my bathroom too many times. If the news isn't good I don't want to find out that way....again.

It's during this two week hell that my envy has peaked for those couples who get pregnant the "old fashioned" way. Going through In Vitro Fertilization turns our focus to medical details like egg quality, EXTREMELY early embryo development, blood HcG, uterine lining thickness, progesterone levels and on and on. We know so much that we know what can go wrong. We live in fear and anxiety and I don't believe that we, as humans, are programmed to be able to gracefully handle this amount of information when it comes to our own procreation. It feels so unfair. I wish I knew what it was like to wake up one morning and think, 'hmm, I haven't seen my period in a while." Then take a home pregnancy test and be surprised. "Wow! We're expecting!! No wonder my period is 5 days late!" How lovely that must be instead of feeling like a ticking time bomb through every grueling minute of this wait to find out if our $20,000 will result in happiness. God!! It's SO UNFAIR!!!

Obviously by now we've accepted that this IVF thing is our path even though we still feel the loss of normalcy sometimes. After 62 LONG days in this IVF cycle, and the many months before that of anticipation, it all comes down to a blood test tomorrow. We will finally learn what the next year holds for us...the much wanted pregnancy and parenthood? Or heavily feared second failed IVF heartbreak?

Your guess is as good as mine....someone flip a coin!!

Day 61 - ???

2009-12-02T13:00:00.002-05:00

Today I feel nothing. No more cramps, not tired, not anything. I have no idea what will unfold on Friday. The future looks like this to me: "????????"

Just two more days until we get an answer...we're in the home stretch now and remaining as hopeful as possible!!!

Thanks EVERYONE for all your incredible support through the last 60 days of this 2nd IVF round. I honestly would be much worse off (mentally) if it weren't for all the sweet comments from my bloggy friends, and all the support from my 'real world' friends!! Thank you all SO MUCH!!!!!!!! :)

Day 60 - CRAMPS!

2009-12-01T08:22:00.002-05:00

I have strong feelings of menstrual cramps this morning which has me freaking out. No spotting, but definitely cramps. SHIT!! What does it mean? Am I about to start my period?? Is this normal in early pregnancy? I HAVE NO IDEA!! I have never been pregnant so I don't know what it feels like, but I have gotten my period a lot and I sure as hell know what that feels like.....SHIT!!! I'm a nervous wreck!!!....UGH!! I wish I knew what was going on inside my body....3 more whole days of waiting....AHHHH!!!

(I still refuse to take a home pregnancy test. My beta is scheduled for this Friday and Ben has taken the day off so that we can be together and either spend the weekend celebrating or mourning. We don't want to find out mid-week since the results are too intense either way.)

Day 59 - Tick Tock, Tick Tock...

2009-11-30T09:20:00.003-05:00

I still have to wait 4 more days until my beta blood test!

My embryos are 13 days old now...surely my doctor could have let me come in earlier, but no, December 4th is the earliest day they are willing to see me. Ugh!!! This wait is tortuous!! No matter how torturous, I refuse to do an 'at home' pregnancy test. I have peed on so many test sticks so many times over the last 2 and a half years, all of which broke my heart, so I refuse to do that this time. I have gotten to the point where I feel like they are bad luck, so no matter how hard it is to wait, I'm going to wait until I get that phone call from my doctor's office.

Ben and I are really holding on to our hope...trying to anyway. I still really believe that there is a good possibility that this wait can end in joy, but as the days keep ticking by the fear keeps lurking around in the shadows scaring me half to death. I am holding on to my hope with all that I have because just the fear itself of getting bad news is almost more that I can take. After all this time, hope and money I'm not sure what we would do if we get crushed AGAIN. Imagining it scares me SO much so I keep doing my best to just not to go there.

All I know for sure is that in 4 days we will either be floating on air with happiness or we will hit the floor in sadness. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock...

Day 57 - 6 More Days of Waiting

2009-11-28T12:54:00.003-05:00

After the non-stop cramping I had all day on Thursday I haven't felt any odd symptoms since. Except being really tired in the evenings...pretty sure that is a symptom of all the excess holiday food I've been chowing. I've had sore boobs too, but they have been tender even before the embryo transfer from the three times daily progesterone I'm on, so I'm not counting that as anything worth noting. All in all I feel very normal....which is good, but it also makes this wait feel even longer. Am I pregnant, am I not?? What's the verdict??

I keep wondering what our two little embryos are up to in there? Could one of them have actually implanted the other day? Or maybe even both? Or was that just cramping from my ovaries who are still big and fat and mildly tender from the super egg production? Are our embryos living and growing into a baby or have they pooped out like the rest? When I wake up at night I touch my belly and think about them. Most mornings when I wake up I just lay there thinking about them until Ben wakes up too and we start our days. I think about them literally every 5 minutes or less. I am constantly praying that they are still doing well.

I have even been dreaming a lot too. I dreamt last night that I was pregnant and I ran into Madonna and told her that I was expecting and she gave me a huge hug. I know...I've gone nuts. Apparently I am friends with Madge in dream land. Ha!

This waiting is really the hardest part of the whole IVF experience. We've made it through 6 days and in 6 more we will have our answer. Pregnant?? I sure hope so!!!!